The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Apocalypse
Entry: The AntiChrist, The Beast, and Bryce Mitchell’s Galactic Revelation
In the unfashionable backwaters of the Milky Way galaxy, on a small blue planet whose inhabitants still argue over whether the Pope is the AntiChrist or merely the regional manager of spiritual bureaucracy, a curious event has occurred. Bryce Mitchell, a professional pugilist from the Terran subculture known as “Arkansas,” has declared that Donald Trump is, in fact, the AntiChrist.
This has caused considerable confusion among theologians, conspiracy theorists, and Vogon poetry enthusiasts alike.
The Beast (Not to be confused with the Ford F-150)
According to Earth’s Book of Revelations (a text often mistaken for a heavy metal album), the Beast has seven heads and ten horns. This has led some to speculate that it is either:
- A poorly designed UFC octagon mascot
- The executive board of a multinational fast-food chain
- Or the comment section of any political thread on X (formerly Twitter)
The Guide recommends not engaging with the Beast unless you have a towel, a Babel fish, and a working knowledge of Latin, Aramaic, and Arkansas dialect.
The AntiChrist (Now with 30% more populism!)
The AntiChrist, according to Earth lore, is a charismatic figure who deceives the masses, wages war on truth, and possibly owns a golf course. Bryce Mitchell’s revelation that Trump fits this role has caused a theological singularity in the minds of those who previously believed the AntiChrist was:
- The Pope
- The UN
- The guy who invented oat milk
The Guide notes that AntiChrist identification is a popular Earth hobby, akin to fantasy football but with more fire and brimstone.
Hitchhiker’s Protocol for Eschatological Threads
When encountering a thread that has spiraled into Biblical interpretations, the Guide recommends the following:
- Do not panic.
- Offer a cup of tea. (Even if virtual. It calms the eschaton.)
- Quote Douglas Adams liberally. Especially lines like: “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
- Introduce alternative cosmologies. For example, Zaphod Beeblebrox once claimed to be the Beast, but only on weekends and only when the lighting was flattering.
- Remember: Earth is mostly harmless. But its comment sections are not.