Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

[francisco]

How are martini's like breasts?


...One is not enough but three is too many.

There's no such thing as too many breasts, as long as they come in pairs

 

[Danke]

How are martini's like breasts?


One is not enough but three is too many.

My mom never breast-fed me. She told me she just wanted to be friends.

 

[satchelmcqueen]

any of these should qualify as it took fucking guts to get up there vs typing them lol

 

[susano]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a

conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said
" So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the
curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed
in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what?s the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners'
couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a

pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry
her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So,
it's nutsoff for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped !

OMG, I lol'd all the way through that.

 

[susano]

Donald Rumsfeld walks into a bar and sees George Bush sitting there.

He sits down next to Bush, and tells Bush he has some unfortunate news...that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq that same morning.

Bush immediately throws his head down into his arms and starts weeping uncontrollably...

Rumseld, knowing Bush to be a person that didn't show his emotions often, was dumbfounded by Bush's reaction, and asked why he was so shaken by this marginal news.

To which Bush looked up sobbing and asked, "Just how many is two brazilian?"

Hahaha!

Fits the Bush I knew and hated.

 

[Icymudpuppy]

I used to be into Sadistic Necrophilic Bestiality, until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

 

[Dary]

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon and says that she wants breast reduction surgery.

The Doc has her disrobe and after examining her he says, "Are you sure? You've got the nicest breasts I've ever seen, and I've been in the business a long time.

The woman says Yes that she is sure, that she has been thinking about it for a while now and that is what she wants.

So the Doc says OK, but first he will have to numb them.

The woman says OK, do what you have to.

The Doc grabs both her tits, shoves his head between them and shakes his head from side to side...

Num, num, num, num, num.

 

[Danke]

Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?







A: Crust

 

[tod evans]

Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?







A: Crust

Cheese.

 

[Danke]

Cheese.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?






A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

 

[tod evans]

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?






A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

 

[Danke]

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?







A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

 

[Theocrat]

I Gave Up

I was writing down a joke with my pencil, when, suddenly, the tip broke. Then I realized there was no point to it.

 

[Danke]

I was writing down a joke with my pencil, when, suddenly, the tip broke. Then I realized there was no point to it.

Q: What is the ultimate rejection?





A: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

 

[Theocrat]

Rejected From Your Job...

Q: What is the ultimate rejection?





A: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Danke, I heard you got fired from a calendar factory for taking a day off.

 

[tod evans]

Danke, I heard you got fired from a calendar factory for taking a day off.

I heard it was for coming in too early.......

 

[Danke]

I heard it was for coming in too early.......

Some people thought it was premature. But it was from often using the back door and not punching in.

 

[Suzanimal]

Cheese.

mushrooms

 

[CCTelander]

So, this guy slides up to a bar and says, "Bartender, line me up 9 shots."

Bartender looks across and asks, "What's the occasion?"

Guy says, "Well, I've just had my first blow job."

The Bartender reaches across the bar, claps the guy on the shoulder and says, "Congratulatons! Have a tenth shot on the house to celebrate."



















The guy replies, "Thanks anyway, but if the first nine don't get that taste out of my mouth, I doubt another will make a difference."

 

[Danke]

So, this guy slides up to a bar and says, "Bartender, line me up 9 shots."

Bartender looks across and asks, "What's the occasion?"

Guy says, "Well, I've just had my first blow job."

The Bartender reaches across the bar, claps the guy on the shoulder and says, "Congratulatons! Have a tenth shot on the house to celebrate."



















The guy replies, "Thanks anyway, but if the first nine don't get that taste out of my mouth, I doubt another will make a difference."