Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

[DamianTV]

Good shit guys! Keep em comin!

 

[fatjohn]

- So a guy comes into a bar ...

- Oh wait it was a giraffe!

- So a guy comes into a giraffe ...

 

[Dr.3D]

A bum is sitting in an English pub when a gentleman enters. The bum asks the gentleman if he would buy him a drink but instead the gentleman tells him he will buy him a drink if he will listen to a little story. The bum agrees and the gentleman tells his story.

"An equestrian, a cyclist and a pedestrian were traveling down the road when from the other direction a young lady approaches. With which of the three was she acquainted?"

The bum thinks about this for quite some time and finally the gentleman says, "The answer is quite simple, the horseman knew her."

The bum laughed and laugh while drinking his drink. The gentleman leaves the pub and another man enters. The bum walks up to him and says; "I'll tell you a story if you'll buy me a drink." The man agrees and the bum tells his story.

"A man on a horse, another on a bicycle and one on foot are going down the road and from the other direction a woman approaches. Which of the three coming toward her did she know?"

The man thinks for a few seconds and the bum starts laughing, "Ha ha ha, you'll never guess, the answer's horse shit."

 

[heavenlyboy34]

A father wants to keep his son from sleeping around with women. So, he tells his son, "they have teeth down there, son". The thought of the scares the daylights out of the boy, and he remains abstinent till he meets his wife. On the wedding night, the fellow's wife gets naked in their bed and summons him to her. "oh no!," he says, "you have teeth down there!" His wife laughs and invites him to inspect down there. After a thorough investigation, the fellow says, "you don't have any teeth, but your gums are in terrible condition!"

 

[Guitarzan]

Take my wife...please.


She gives great headache.

 

[Theocrat]

An Adam & Eve Joke

One day, Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What's wrong, Adam?"

"I don't have anyone to talk to, God," Adam replied.

So God said, "I'm going to give you a companion, and she will be called a 'Woman.' This Woman will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "How much would this Woman cost me?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

So Adam asked, "Um...what can I get for just a rib?"

And the rest is history.

 

[Dr.3D]

A bit of faith?

The Nuns at a convent went to town to buy supplies. On their way back, their automobile ran out of fuel and they had to walk down the road a quarter mile to a gasoline station to get more. When they got there, they were told, all there was to contain the gasoline for the trip back to the automobile was an old bedpan.

The nuns after transporting the bedpan full of gasoline back to their automobile were carefully pouring it's contents into the fuel tank when a Priest and a Rabbi, sharing a ride back to the hotel from a conference, saw them.

The Priest looked over at the Rabbi and said; "Don't you wish your people had faith like that?"

 

[Theocrat]

Priest & Rabbi Joke

A priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "I'd sure like to screw him."

The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

 

[Liberty4life]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

 

[heavenlyboy34]

a priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "i'd sure like to screw him."

the rabbi replies, "out of what?"

hahahaha!!! Lmfao!!

 

[Original_Intent]

What do you call a legless water skier?
Skip.
What do you call him when he lets go of the tow rope?
Bob.
What do you call a legless and armless door to door salesman?
Mat.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene.
A Japanes woman with only one leg?
Irene.
What do you call a man with no car?
A taxi.

 

[nayjevin]

What did the Shepherd say when he heard his sheep were targeted for redistribution?

'Let's get the flock out of here.'



What's the difference between a politician and a dirty diaper?

None. They both need changed when they're full of shit.

 

[TCE]

"Today before sex with my girlfriend, I spoke Parseltongue to her vagina because I had to prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry."

 

[heavenlyboy34]

What do you call a legless water skier?
Skip.
What do you call him when he lets go of the tow rope?
Bob.
What do you call a legless and armless door to door salesman?
Mat.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene.
A Japanes woman with only one leg?
Irene.
What do you call a man with no car?
A taxi.

In that vein, what do you call a man with no legs?
Neil.

 

[Bruno]

In that vein, what do you call a man with no legs?
Neil.

And his wife with no legs?

Eileen.

 

[KCIndy]

An oldie, but I can't help but chuckle each time I read it:





The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and used them to 'bite' his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


...

 

[Jim Casey]

What do you call an airplane that never goes anywhere?

A boring 747.

 

[heavenlyboy34]

And his wife with no legs?

Eileen.

Original_Intent already wrote that in the post above mine, sorry. ~shrugs~

 

[DamianTV]

A priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "I'd sure like to screw him."

The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

+Rep! I have beer in my nose after that one!!!

---

My bad joke...

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure I apparently still looked confused.

So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Vince?' she asked.

I said, 'sure did,' and held up my Thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me................

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

 

[Bman]

A priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "I'd sure like to screw him."

The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

I got flamed a few months back for saying that very joke on the board.