Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

[Deborah K]

A guy walks into a bar and sees some chimpanzees telling a joke:

heheh cute!

 

[Bruno]

Contrary to what you may have seen on porn sites, real lesbians aren't attractive. I get hired by lesbians ALL the time to solve their pest problems. The best looking of them so far looked a bit like Susan B Anthony, which is to say that while they might have been attractive as teenagers, and while they have kept their figures, their bitterness at the world has turned their features harsh.

The cheerful lesbians are all fat and rather manly looking.

.

Among the most ridiculous generalizations I've ever read here. I've met many very attractive lesbians and bi-sexual women, none of them porn stars.

You should have said, "I've only met unattractive lesbians. Your results may vary."

 

[Deborah K]

C'mon guys - get off the lesbo-train derail! I wanna read some jokes I can use.

 

[Seraphim]

You're one to talk with you're bestiallity smut...


JK, I laughed at the human-dog doggy style joke.


Hump hump hump.

C'mon guys - get off the lesbo-train derail! I wanna read some jokes I can use.

 

[pmbug]

The Aristocrats!

 

[Bruno]

A Koala Bear walks into a bar...

..sits down and orders a drink. A sexy, scantily clad woman walks up to him and says, "Hey, big fella, wanna date?"

The Koala Bear shrugs his shoulders, says, "Sure!" and accompanies her back to a nearby hourly motel.

She take off all her clothes, and the Koala Bear proceeds to perform oral sex on her. After about half an hour, he gets up, and starts to walk out the door.

"Hey!! Where are you going?" she screams.

"I'm leaving," says the Koala Bear.

"You can't just leave! I'm a prostitute!" says the prostitute.

"I don't understand," he says.

She throws a dictionary at him. "Look up prostitute and read the definition to me."

Thumbing through, he says, "Ok, Prostitute, a woman who gets paid for sex."

"See! She says.

"Well, fuck you, I'm a Koala Bear. Look it up and read it back to me."

"Koala Bear," she read, " a little furry animal that eats bush and leaves."

 

[Deborah K]

You're one to talk with you're bestiallity smut...


JK, I laughed at the human-dog doggy style joke.


Hump hump hump.

me has naughty sense of humor

 

[Deborah K]

A Koala Bear walks into a bar...

..sits down and orders a drink. A sexy, scantily clad woman walks up to him and says, "Hey, big fella, wanna date?"

The Koala Bear shrugs his shoulders, says, "Sure!" and accompanies her back to a nearby hourly motel.

She take off all her clothes, and the Koala Bear proceeds to perform oral sex on her. After about half an hour, he gets up, and starts to walk out the door.

"Hey!! Where are you going?" she screams.

"I'm leaving," says the Koala Bear.

"You can't just leave! I'm a prostitute!" says the prostitute.

"I don't understand," he says.

She throws a dictionary at him. "Look up prostitute and read the definition to me."

Thumbing through, he says, "Ok, Prostitute, a woman who gets paid for sex."

"See! She says.

"Well, fuck you, I'm a Koala Bear. Look it up and read it back to me."

"Koala Bear," she read, " a little furry animal that eats bush and leaves."

I'm sending that one to my Mom.

 

[dannno]

"I wish there was an infestation of Koala Bears.. it would be the cutest infestation ever!!" -R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg

 

[Guitarzan]

Donald Rumsfeld walks into a bar and sees George Bush sitting there.

He sits down next to Bush, and tells Bush he has some unfortunate news...that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq that same morning.

Bush immediately throws his head down into his arms and starts weeping uncontrollably...

Rumseld, knowing Bush to be a person that didn't show his emotions often, was dumbfounded by Bush's reaction, and asked why he was so shaken by this marginal news.

To which Bush looked up sobbing and asked, "Just how many is two brazilian?"

 

[Deborah K]

donald rumsfeld walks into a bar and sees george bush sitting there.

He sits down next to bush, and tells bush he has some unfortunate news...that 2 brazilian soldiers were killed in iraq that same morning.

Bush immediately throws his head down into his arms and starts weeping uncontrollably...

Rumseld, knowing bush to be a person that didn't show his emotions often, was dumbfounded by bush's reaction, and asked why he was so shaken by this marginal news.

To which bush looked up sobbing and asked, "just how many is two brazilian?"

omg!!! Lmao!

 

[Bruehound]

I just sent out my resume to some free market think tanks because I have always wanted an invisible hand job.

 

[Bruno]

I'm sending that one to my Mom.

My mom loved that joke.

 

[heavenlyboy34]

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"​

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" ​

The Screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?" ​

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..." ​

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!​

A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in the and does the same. The bartender asks him, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, " Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"
A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel. They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor.
In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.
"It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.
A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"
Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "So. Why the long face?"
A guy walks in.........ok, he did not walk in, he was already there. One guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know; what was her maiden name?".
A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck."
So a guy walks into a bar, looking really moody and orders immediately a double-whiskey. Then he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he's got, until the bartender finally says: "You know, I don't understand what you're complaining about. All the other guys in here only have compliments about your wife."
Skunk walks into a bar and he says, "Hey where did everybody go?"
E-flat walks into a bar, The bartender says, sorry, we don't serve minors......
A potato walks into a bar and all eyes were on him!
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."


How do you get a one-armed Pollack out of a tree?

Wave at him

 

[heavenlyboy34]

OP-are politically incorrect jokes allowed in here? I have more of those off my head than clean ones.

 

[Dr.3D]

Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.

One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."

The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."

 

[Guitarzan]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper asks, "You have drink named Steve?"

 

[Bruno]

Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.

One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."

The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."

I lol'd!

 

[Deborah K]

A seventy-five year old White guy, his hair was completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

The nurse says: "She had twins."

He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."

 

[Dr.3D]

I lol'd!

Thanks.

It's hard for some people to understand the dual meaning that joke has.