Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

Acala said:
A woman goes to see her lawyer. After they were together in his office for a few minutes she says "Please kiss me!"

The lawyer says "You know I can't do that."

After a few more minutes the woman pleads more passionately "Oh, please kiss me!!!"

Again the lawyer says "I've told you a dozen times that I can't do that!"

A few more minutes pass and the woman says "Oh, why can't you kiss me?

The lawyer responds "I can't kiss you because it would be unethical. I shouldn't even be having sex with you."
Click to expand...

lmao! :) that's a great one.
 
What do you call 3 Irishmen sitting on the front lawn?
Fertilizer.
How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot
What do you call a fat girl with a yeast infection?
a Whopper with cheese.
 
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Dr.3D said:
Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.

One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."

The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."
Click to expand...

I heard the punch line say:


i DO TO BUT i DON'T THINK HE WOULD LET ME...
 
A Battalion commander (Lt Colonel) in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure?

The X.O. (Major) chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

The Logistics officer (captain) said it was 50-50.

The colonel's aide, (lieutenant) responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir," the enlisted man said, "if there was any work involved, you officers would have me doing it for you."
 
A recent survey suggested that over 90% of women kiss with their eyes closed

No wonder it's so hard to catch a rapist.




No matter how much you give a homeless person for coffee.... you never get that coffee.
 
- What's the difference between a neoconservative and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

- How many public union activists does it take to paint a house? It depends on how hard you throw them.

- What gets louder as it gets smaller? A politician in a trash compactor.
 
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Icymudpuppy said:
A Battalion commander (Lt Colonel) in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure?

The X.O. (Major) chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

The Logistics officer (captain) said it was 50-50.

The colonel's aide, (lieutenant) responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir," the enlisted man said, "if there was any work involved, you officers would have me doing it for you."
Click to expand...

We have a Winner! +REP

This is definitely my favorite! Some damn good ones in there, even if they are just fucked up!

---

A Marine General, an Air Force General, and a Navy Admiral are all arguing about which branch of the Military has the most Courage.

The Marine General proclaims that Marines definitely have the most courage because they are willing to die at any time for their country. He calls over to the the nearest PFC and yells to him "You! Private! Shoot yourself in the head!" The PFC responds immediately "Sir! Yes Sir! Right away Sir!" and proceeds to shoot himself in the head, and unsurprisingly dies instantly.

The Marine General boasts "Now thats Courage!" to the other two high ranking officers standing there.

The Air Force General responds "Bah! Thats nothing! He didn't even feel it! Watch this!" and calls to the nearest aircraft and orders the pilot to jump out without his parachute. The Pilot responds immediately "Sir! Yes Sir! Right away Sir!" and jumps from his perfectly good aircraft and falls several thousand feet to his imminent death.

The Air Force General gloats "Now thats Courage!".

The Admiral just shakes his head in disbelief, and says "Ok, watch this guys." He calls down to the first Seaman Recruit he sees and shouts to him "You! Seaman Recruit! Go get me a cup of coffee!" and pauses, "Now!". The two Generals look at each other with a puzzled look on their faces as the Seaman Recruit rudely responds to his Admiral "Fuck you! Get your own fucking coffee! Shithead!".

The Admiral looks back to the two Generals with a glare in his eye and says "Now thats Courage!"

---

There is some good stuff in here. Should we keep this thread going?
 
Chuck went to vegas with his family and while he was there he made a $100 sportsbet. He won, but decided he'd been lucky. Still he found a fascination with it.

So he decided he'd learn a little, and before he got done with the book he'd checked out at the library about it he was hooked. It was all he could do to finish it before he rushed out to find a bookmaker.

Pretty soon he had a place to make bets, and so this time he placed two. $100 each on two football games. The book he had read had given him some tips on finding the edge in football, and he'd watched quite a bit of the game himself, so he thought that'd be a good place for his money.

Well Sunday came around, and once the games were done he had lost both bets. So he was out the $100 he'd won in Vegas, plus a hundred more dollars. Dejected, Chuck thought and he thought about what he was going to do. Finally he thought, 'In Vegas I got lucky, and here I got a little unlucky. But before I put down any more money, I'm really gonna figure out this sportsbetting stuff.'

So he went back to the library and checked out a few more books. He learned about statistics, off-nights, and home field advantages. And then he watched games, this time basketball. It was his favorite sport, and one he thought he could learn all about. For a whole basketball season, he watched every game he could. And then, just when the time looked right, he placed his bets. They were sure fire he thought - 4 bets of $100 each on 4 different games. But when the games came around, he'd lost all four bets, and was now out $500.

This time Chuck was upset. He knew he'd gotten very unlucky, and was determined as ever to get his money back. This time he'd choose his ace in the hole - baseball - a game he'd played himself. He knew it inside and out already - but this time it wasn't enough. Without rest, Chuck studied the game like a religion. He taped and rewatched them all. He barely ate, he barely slept. He made charts, built computer programs to calculate probabilities, studied statistics, and more. And then finally, he knew he was ready - so he placed 8 bets of $100 each on 8 different games.

He had been so consumed and so was now so emotionally invested that he couldn't watch the games himself. But the day after his final bet was over, his bookie called him.

'Chuck, I've got bad news. You lost all your bets and you owe me $1300.'

'Damn,' Chuck said. 'I was so sure of those bets! I'm the unluckiest guy in the world. Give me one more bet, double or nothing. Put it all on one more baseball game - tonight. If I lose, I pay you tomorrow.'

'There's no baseball tonight. And besides, you lost 8 baseball bets, you really wanna bet baseball?'

'Alright basketball,' Chuck replied.

'No basketball either. And besides, you lost 4 basketball bets. You really wanna bet basketball?'

'Alright make it a football bet then,' Chuck said.

'It's wednesday, there's no football. And besides, you lost the football bet. You really wanna bet football?'

'Fine.' Chuck said, 'What else you got?'

'Well, there's 3 hockey games you can bet on.'

'HOCKEY?' said Chuck, exasperated: 'WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW ABOUT HOCKEY?'
 
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how do you get a one-armed pollack out of a tree?
Wave at him
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce!
Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
Someone dropped a quarter
What happens when a jew with an erection walks into a wall?
he breaks his nose
 
Ok, well since it looks like some people wanna keep the thread going, I'll give another +REP in a couple of days, starting this set from post #69 by Gaius1981 (just to be fair to him since I didnt read his before I picked a winner) and just continue on from there.

---

How do you catch a Unique Wabbit? Unique up on it! (unique = 'you neek', like 'you sneak' but without the 's', the way a young child would pronounce it)

How do you catch a Tame Wabbit? Tame way!
 
What do you call a Deer with no eyes?














No ideer.


What do you call a deer with on eyes and no legs?








Still no ideer.

What do you call a dog with no legs?














Doesn't matter, It won't come when you call it anyway.

What do you call a cow with no legs?









Ground Beef.
 
blonde joke :)

So, a blonde housewife is feeling extremely depressed and angry about her life in general. Her husband tells her that he's been cheating on her. She gets out her gun and points it at her own head. Her husband says, "no, don't do it!", and the blonde says, "Shut up! You're next!" :D:collins:
 
Okay, guess I upset some Marines. LOL
It's an old Navy tradition.......

A Marine and a Sailor walk into the head together. The Sailor unbuttons the 13 buttons on his fly and relieves himself. The Marine having a zipper on his fly is already finished relieving himself and is washing his hands. The Sailor having buttoned up his fly begins walking toward the restroom door, when the Marine says; "Hey Swabby, in boot camp they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak." The Sailor replies; "In boot camp, they taught us not to piss on our hands."
 
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