Anti Globalist
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Lyndon B Johnson
Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!
- Thread starter DamianTV
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tfurrh
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Adding that to my repertoire.
Anti Globalist
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How did the owl feel when he lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.
He didn't give a hoot.
Anti Globalist
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Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
I heard the reception was amazing.
I heard the reception was amazing.
Swordsmyth
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An old priest lay dying in a Hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Chuck and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest
As they went to the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy‘s hand in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”
The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” The old priest continued... “He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same!"
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Chuck and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest
As they went to the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy‘s hand in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”
The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” The old priest continued... “He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same!"
Mach
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A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault!
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault!
Anti Globalist
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At the career fair, why didn't the wizard go to the booth on predicting the future for a living?
Because there would be no prophet in it.
Because there would be no prophet in it.
Danke
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[FONT="]man sees woman with the most buetifule set of mambahangers and he is struck.[/FONT]
[FONT="]So he goes up and tells her "I'll give you 5 dollar if'n I can bite ur tits."[/FONT]
[FONT="]of course she says no f'n way perv get lost.[/FONT]
[FONT="]So he follows her around and the price keeps going up, finaly he proposed 1thousand dollar.[/FONT]
[FONT="]She looks around and they dive into an alley where the perv liks, smells, kisses, nuggies her ample bosom buddies and she gets irritated and asks:[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Why don't you just bite them and get it over with?" his reply?[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Oh no, that would cost too much."[/FONT]
[FONT="]So he goes up and tells her "I'll give you 5 dollar if'n I can bite ur tits."[/FONT]
[FONT="]of course she says no f'n way perv get lost.[/FONT]
[FONT="]So he follows her around and the price keeps going up, finaly he proposed 1thousand dollar.[/FONT]
[FONT="]She looks around and they dive into an alley where the perv liks, smells, kisses, nuggies her ample bosom buddies and she gets irritated and asks:[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Why don't you just bite them and get it over with?" his reply?[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Oh no, that would cost too much."[/FONT]
tod evans
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I think this is hilarious! I NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE!!!
1.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
2.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
3.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
4.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
5.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake" and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
6.
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
7.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
8.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
9.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
10.
Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System.
Amen
1.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
2.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
3.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
4.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
5.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake" and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
6.
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
7.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
8.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
9.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
10.
Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System.
Amen
Anti Globalist
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Why does a fighting fish keep its eye open?
So it can sea an-enemy.
So it can sea an-enemy.
Anti Globalist
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Why can't Amy Winehouse drive?
Because shes dead.
Because shes dead.
CCTelander
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What's the first thing a cannibal does after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his ass.
Wipes his ass.
Anti Federalist
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- Aug 31, 2007
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So a pirate walks into a bar.
The first thing the bartender sees is a huge ship's wheel, stuffed down the front of the pirate's trousers.
The bartender asks, "hey, that looks awful uncomfortable".
The pirate replies, "Yarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
The first thing the bartender sees is a huge ship's wheel, stuffed down the front of the pirate's trousers.
The bartender asks, "hey, that looks awful uncomfortable".
The pirate replies, "Yarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
PursuePeace
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- Oct 9, 2011
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What's brown and sticky?
Swordsmyth
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Bigamy is illegal.
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