Schifference
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Do you know why the animal court judge would allow the bird to post bail?
Bird was a flight risk.
Bird was a flight risk.
Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!
- Thread starter DamianTV
- Start date
DamianTV
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
<arghhkgahk>
Ha ha ha! Kind of reminds me of this one:
Things never to say to a cop
Driver: Officer, I know why you pulled me over! You're gonna try to sell me tickets to the Annual Police Officers Ball!
Cop: Police don't have BALLS!
Driver and Cop: <uncomfortable pause>
Cop: Have a nice day citizen.
---
(I cant believe this thread is still alive!)
Danke
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Fred was driving home from one of his business trips in Indiana, when he saw an elderly Injun walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Injun named [MENTION=27246]oyarde[/MENTION] if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the Oyarde got into the car. Fred tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Man. He just sat there silently looking intently a everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred. “What in bag?” asked the old Injun man. Fred looked down at the brown bag and said “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.” Oyarde was silent for another moment or two.Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, ”Good trade…”
Last edited:
J
Jan2017
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What's the difference between the government and The Mafia ?
Sonny Tufts
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Physicist Werner Heisenberg was driving down the road when he was pulled over for speeding by a highway patrolman.
Patrolman: Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
Patrolman: Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
Swordsmyth
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Danke
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[FONT="]Proof That Men Do Remember [/FONT]
[FONT="]A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his cocoa, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too," she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today." Then the fight started!![/FONT]
[FONT="]A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his cocoa, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too," she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today." Then the fight started!![/FONT]
Anti Globalist
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Both Trump and Clinton believe in liberty and freedom.
Anti Federalist
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I am very excited...
I have just formed a new rock band.
We call ourselves...
999 Mega Bytes.
We sound great...
And can't wait to start playing.
We just have not got a Gig yet.
I have just formed a new rock band.
We call ourselves...
999 Mega Bytes.
We sound great...
And can't wait to start playing.
We just have not got a Gig yet.
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Fixed. Joke Telling 101: Never step on the punch line. /joke-nazi
Schifference
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Why did the girl want to dance with the mushroom? He was a fungi!
specsaregood
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Why are dogs bad dancers? They have two left feet.
Original_Intent
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A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Good evening, Mitt."
The bartender says "Good evening, Mitt."
Anti Globalist
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew.
I'm a cashew.
Schifference
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I am a person of color that is entitled to housing and food. Tomorrow I will wake up early and work hard all day long.
wizardwatson
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Joker: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Jokee: Why?
Joker: To get to the ugly person's house.
Joker: Knock knock...
Jokee: Who's there?
Joker: The chicken.
Jokee: Why?
Joker: To get to the ugly person's house.
Joker: Knock knock...
Jokee: Who's there?
Joker: The chicken.
Anti Globalist
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What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi.
Wasabi.
Danke
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A LESSON: DON’T TEXT UNLESS IT’S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY
“Hi Fred, this is Richard next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself any longer without you knowing this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife without you knowing about this. In fact, much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard.” Neighbor’s response: Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He looked down at his phone and discovered a second text from Richard. “Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured if out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife”. Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all!”
“Hi Fred, this is Richard next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself any longer without you knowing this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife without you knowing about this. In fact, much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard.” Neighbor’s response: Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He looked down at his phone and discovered a second text from Richard. “Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured if out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife”. Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all!”
Sonny Tufts
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A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankees fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army. While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death!
With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "Its my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping".
The Cubs fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so after some thought he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.
The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "OK please tie two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankees fan crying like a baby.
The Red Sox fan was the last up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have two wishes".
The Red Sox fan replied, "My first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes". "You are very brave," said the Sheik. "100 lashes so be it. And your second wish?"
"Tie the Yankees fan to my back."
With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "Its my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping".
The Cubs fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so after some thought he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.
The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "OK please tie two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankees fan crying like a baby.
The Red Sox fan was the last up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have two wishes".
The Red Sox fan replied, "My first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes". "You are very brave," said the Sheik. "100 lashes so be it. And your second wish?"
"Tie the Yankees fan to my back."
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