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Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!
- Thread starter DamianTV
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Anti Globalist
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- 49,039
My friend David lost his ID.
Now we just call him Dav.
Now we just call him Dav.
Danke
Top Rated Influencer
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- Nov 6, 2007
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- 44,263
His chair was small and soft?
Schifference
Banned
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- Jun 23, 2010
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- 7,423
John McCain was a great American Hero!
Anti Globalist
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And Mitt Romney was the reincarnation of Thomas Jefferson.
Anti Globalist
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- Sep 7, 2017
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What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison.
Bison.
DamianTV
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- Dec 7, 2007
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- 20,677
Anti Globalist
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What did the deer say when he left the gay bar?
"I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there."
"I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there."
Working Poor
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- Feb 15, 2008
- Messages
- 10,985
Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Confucius say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.
Confucius say: Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Confucius say: Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is "Negligent"
Confucius say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.
Confucius say: Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Confucius say: Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is "Negligent"
Anti Globalist
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- Sep 7, 2017
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- 49,039
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was out standing in this field.
Because he was out standing in this field.
tod evans
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- Jan 3, 2008
- Messages
- 36,071
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
__________________
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
__________________
heavenlyboy34
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- Jul 4, 2008
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- 59,093
Anti Globalist
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- Sep 7, 2017
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- 49,039
How does a crazy person walk through a forest?
He takes the psychopath.
He takes the psychopath.
tod evans
Member
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2008
- Messages
- 36,071
The good old days are slowing slipping away from us...
THE NEW ANT and the Grasshopper, Two Versions:
The ANT
AND THE
GRASSHOPPER
This one is a little different....
Two Different Versions ...
Two Different Morals
OLD VERSION
The ant works
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed.
The grasshopper has
no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN
VERSION
The ant works hard
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant
is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving..
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN,
and ABC show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant
in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears
on Oprah
with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green ...'
Occupy the Anthill stages
a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the
Black Lives Matter group singing, We shall overcome.
Then Reverend Al Sharpton
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper
while he damns the ants. He later appears on MSNBC to complain that rich people do not care.
Former President Obama condemns the ant
and blames
Donald Trump, President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the
Pope
for the grasshopper's
plight.
Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer
exclaim in an interview on The View
that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper ,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
of green bugs and,
having; nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar
and given to the grasshopper .
The story ends as we see the grasshopper
and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken
over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest
of the free world with it.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2018.
THE NEW ANT and the Grasshopper, Two Versions:
The ANT
AND THE
GRASSHOPPER
This one is a little different....
Two Different Versions ...
Two Different Morals
OLD VERSION
The ant works
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed.
The grasshopper has
no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN
VERSION
The ant works hard
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant
is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving..
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN,
and ABC show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant
in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears
on Oprah
with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green ...'
Occupy the Anthill stages
a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the
Black Lives Matter group singing, We shall overcome.
Then Reverend Al Sharpton
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper
while he damns the ants. He later appears on MSNBC to complain that rich people do not care.
Former President Obama condemns the ant
and blames
Donald Trump, President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the
Pope
for the grasshopper's
plight.
Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer
exclaim in an interview on The View
that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper ,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
of green bugs and,
having; nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar
and given to the grasshopper .
The story ends as we see the grasshopper
and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken
over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest
of the free world with it.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2018.
Swordsmyth
Member
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2016
- Messages
- 74,737
The Trix Rabbit, Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun were all found dead this week after having been drowned face down in oversized bowls of milk.
Police believe a cereal killer is responsible and have asked the public to exercise extreme caution.
Police believe a cereal killer is responsible and have asked the public to exercise extreme caution.
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