Anti Globalist
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What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
Nobody knows.
Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!
- Thread starter DamianTV
- Start date
Schifference
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I thought Clinton to blame prior to punchline.
Todd
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My favorite:
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned.
Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "I guess yours is raisin, too?"
"No," stammers the old man: "but it's a quiverin'!"
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned.
Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "I guess yours is raisin, too?"
"No," stammers the old man: "but it's a quiverin'!"
Swordsmyth
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Perhaps you are right about the cereal killer's identity?
Anti Globalist
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A horse walks into the bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
CCTelander
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on a highway outside Washington D.C. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have taken the entire US Congess hostage and are demanding a $100 million dollar ransom. If they don't get it they intend to douse them all with gasoline and light them on fire. We're going from car to car asking for donations."
"How much is everyone giving on average?"
"Roughly a gallon."
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have taken the entire US Congess hostage and are demanding a $100 million dollar ransom. If they don't get it they intend to douse them all with gasoline and light them on fire. We're going from car to car asking for donations."
"How much is everyone giving on average?"
"Roughly a gallon."
Anti Globalist
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How do you organize a party in space?
You planet.
You planet.
Swordsmyth
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And then they tell everyone that the way to change things is to not vote without starting a revolution.An anarchist and a self identified Libertarian walk into RFPs pretending not to be a leftist.
fedupinmo
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Centuries ago, the pope decreed that Jews in Italy had to convert or leave. There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.
Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.
The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God ruled from Heaven above. He responded by pointing to the ground to remind me that the Devil also has a dominion below. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.
"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.
Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.
The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God ruled from Heaven above. He responded by pointing to the ground to remind me that the Devil also has a dominion below. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.
"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
fedupinmo
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the
lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're
married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the
lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're
married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
Anti Globalist
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Why did Timmy cross the road?
To suck dick for crack.
To suck dick for crack.
Anti Globalist
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
Virgin mobile.
Anti Globalist
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What kind of concert costs 50 cents?
50 cent plus Nickelback.
50 cent plus Nickelback.
tod evans
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Subject: First year veterinary student
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body.
" For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body.
" For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
specsaregood
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uhm, shouldn't that be: "What kind of concert costs 45 cents?"
Suzanimal
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Irish Prostitute
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
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