Schifference
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- Jun 23, 2010
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- 7,423
Clinton will be the best president we have ever had!
Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!
- Thread starter DamianTV
- Start date
NorthCarolinaLiberty
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- Oct 11, 2010
- Messages
- 12,674
The following conversation took place after a recently deceased Pakistani man knocked on the gates of Heaven for about 5 minutes.
St. Peter: “May I help you? ”
Pakistani man: “I’m here for Jesus.”
St. Peter: “Jesus, your taxi’s here!! “
St. Peter: “May I help you? ”
Pakistani man: “I’m here for Jesus.”
St. Peter: “Jesus, your taxi’s here!! “
fedupinmo
Member
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2016
- Messages
- 2,355
A Bank Robbery
Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe.
There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's
tainted.
The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much
better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to
the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and
nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes later in comes John.
"It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!"
Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe.
There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's
tainted.
The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much
better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to
the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and
nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes later in comes John.
"It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!"
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2010
- Messages
- 40,932
I like dead baby jokes.
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
Q: How do you unload a truck full of dead babies?
Yeah, I'm goin' to hell ...
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
Q: How do you unload a truck full of dead babies?
Yeah, I'm goin' to hell ...
Last edited:
Natural Citizen
Banned
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2012
- Messages
- 16,463
eeeeyew. That's just nasty.
Suzanimal
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- Jan 17, 2012
- Messages
- 33,385
Danke
Top Rated Influencer
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- Nov 6, 2007
- Messages
- 44,643
If you don't like any nasty on RPFs, just but her on ignore.
Suzanimal
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- Jan 17, 2012
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tod evans
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- Jan 3, 2008
- Messages
- 36,071
Food in the 50's from my Ma;
Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.
Curry was a surname.
A take-away was a mathematical problem.
Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All chips were plain.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.
None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.
The three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties...were elbows, hats and cell phones!
Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.
Curry was a surname.
A take-away was a mathematical problem.
Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All chips were plain.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.
None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.
The three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties...were elbows, hats and cell phones!
heavenlyboy34
Member
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2008
- Messages
- 59,093
Old gags from the 2009 vintage...
Blonde Logic
>
> Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking
> and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
> away, Melbourne or the moon?"
>
> The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
> You see Melbourne ...?????"
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> Car Trouble
>
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
> She tells the mechanic it died.
>
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> She says, "What's the story?"
>
> He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
>
> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> Speeding Ticket
>
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
> very nicely if he could see her license.
>
> She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your
> act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
> and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> River Walk
>
> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
> and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
> "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
> "How can I get to the other side?"
>
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
> and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> At The Doctor's Office
>
> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
> and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>
> "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
>
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast
> and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed
> even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
> likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
>
> The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
>
> "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
>
> "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken".
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> Blonde On The Sun
>
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
> The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
>
> The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
>
> The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
> on the Sun!"
>
>
> The Russian and the American looked at each other
> and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
> You'll burn up!" said The Russian.
>
> To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
> We're going at night!"
> __________________________________________________ _______
>
> In A Vacuum
>
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
> She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
> Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
> your name, can you hear it?"
>
> She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
> __________________________________________________ _
>
> Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes !!
>
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
> two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
> The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
> and one was named Timex.
>
> Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming
> dogs like that?"
>
> "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde.
> "They're watch dogs!"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over is mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath Nurse',
he mumbles, from behind the mask.
'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may split his sutures from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
Blonde Logic
>
> Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking
> and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
> away, Melbourne or the moon?"
>
> The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
> You see Melbourne ...?????"
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> Car Trouble
>
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
> She tells the mechanic it died.
>
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> She says, "What's the story?"
>
> He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
>
> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> Speeding Ticket
>
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
> very nicely if he could see her license.
>
> She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your
> act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
> and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> River Walk
>
> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
> and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
> "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
> "How can I get to the other side?"
>
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
> and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> At The Doctor's Office
>
> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
> and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>
> "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
>
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast
> and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed
> even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
> likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
>
> The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
>
> "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
>
> "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken".
> __________________________________________________ __
>
> Blonde On The Sun
>
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
> The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
>
> The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
>
> The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
> on the Sun!"
>
>
> The Russian and the American looked at each other
> and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
> You'll burn up!" said The Russian.
>
> To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
> We're going at night!"
> __________________________________________________ _______
>
> In A Vacuum
>
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
> She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
> Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
> your name, can you hear it?"
>
> She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
> __________________________________________________ _
>
> Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes !!
>
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
> two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
> The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
> and one was named Timex.
>
> Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming
> dogs like that?"
>
> "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde.
> "They're watch dogs!"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over is mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath Nurse',
he mumbles, from behind the mask.
'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may split his sutures from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
opal
Member
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2008
- Messages
- 4,332
[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif]Lunch With The Pope[/FONT]
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht. The Pope accepted; and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down, and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht. The Pope accepted; and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down, and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
fatjohn
Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2008
- Messages
- 2,285
Wow! This thread is still alive? Well, might as well keep it going?
Yeah, I just made myself laugh with a joke I wrote 6 years ago. Oh the power of the internet...
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