Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

[Todd]

Since there have been some good military jokes..here's another:


Army Retirement

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my balls."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeant Major's penis and began to work back.

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your balls?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied... .........."Vietnam."

 

[heavenlyboy34]

IDR if I posted this one, but here goes: What happens when a jew with an erection walks into a wall? He breaks his nose.

 

[Johnny Appleseed]

blind man walks into bar swinging a dog over his head bartender says "what gives?" dude says "just looking around"

Greece fires are the hardest to put out....

 

[Napolitanic Wars]

A priest a rapist and a pedophile walks into a bar...

That was the first guy.

 

[Drex]

They announced the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, and tomorrow the winning dog gets to ride on the roof of Mitt Romney’s car.” –David Letterman

 

[Miss Annie]

Ok, I will take a crack at this.....

A man was having a talk with God. He asked, "God, why did you make women so beautiful"?
God replied, "I did that so that you would like them".
The man then asked God, "God, why did you make women so curvy"?
God replied, "I did that so that you would like them".
The man then asked God, "Well God, why did you make them so dang dumb"?
God replied, "I did that so they would like you". ......

 

[thoughtomator]

So the Republican Party walks into a Santorum nomination...

 

[heavenlyboy34]

How do you get a Polish girl pregnant? Cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest. How do you fuck a fat girl? Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

 

[heavenlyboy34]

So, a rabbi is ready to retire. He has a huge jar full of foreskins, and decides to take it to a craftsman to see if he can make something useful out of it. The craftsman takes the jar and says "I'll work on it and have something for you in the morning". The rabbi comes back in the morning, and the craftsman hands the rabbi a wallet. "That's it?," says the rabbi, "there was hundreds of foreskins in that jar!" The craftsman says "when you rub it, it turns into a briefcase".

 

[Edward]

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 

[Mckarnin]

One day, Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What's wrong, Adam?"

"I don't have anyone to talk to, God," Adam replied.

So God said, "I'm going to give you a companion, and she will be called a 'Woman.' This Woman will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "How much would this Woman cost me?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

So Adam asked, "Um...what can I get for just a rib?"

And the rest is history.

 

[Time for Change]

I cant believe this is not here yet...

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar.....
The bartender asks,

"What will it be, Mr. President?"

 

[MsDoodahs]

Didn't read the thread, so my apologies if this one is already listed...this was one of my late uncle's favorite jokes.


A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper replied, "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms."

The trooper asks, "Why do they call them circle flies?"

"Well," said the farmer, "they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horses back end."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

[Bruehound]

I sent my resume to all the free market think tanks because I have always wanted an invisible hand job.

 

[Danke]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

 

[Schifference]

what is better than roses on a piano?

2 lips on an organ

 

[Working Poor]

A man decided he wanted a vasectomy so we went to a doctor and the after examining him doctor told him he would be called when there was an opening. About a week later the doctor called and told him to come in. when the man arrived he was greeted by the mot beautiful woman he had ever seen and she told him to follow her. he did and when they arrived he told him to take off his clothe and to put on the gown provided. he id a he was told and when he ha the gown on the woman told him to lay down on the table. The woman then took off her clothes an got on top of him and proceeded to give him the best sex he had ever had in his life! He asked what he had done to deserve such treatment and the woman said that it had been discovered that the operation went better if the man ejaculated right before the procedure. After dressing the woman got him up on his feet and took him to another room that as full of men jacking off. The man asked why they were doing that and why was she not taking care of them as well she replied oh because you have Blue Cross/Blue Shield and the other guys have Obamacare.









c

 

[heavenlyboy34]

How do you get a one-armed Pollack out of a tree? Wave at him.
What do you call 3 Irishmen sitting on a lawn? Fertilizer.

 

[heavenlyboy34]

what has six legs and shouts "ho de do! ho de do! ho de do!"? 3 blacks running for the elevator.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?
Got me, but it can sure pick lettuce!

 

[Danke]

Sex - Harley Davidson

A man is in a position to buy a Harley Davidson, and after much consideration opts for a very nice model. The salesman is very pleased and offers the man a few words of advice. He tells him to always carry a jar of Vaseline in his pocket and if he knows it is going to rain to smear the Vaseline all over the bodywork of the bike in order to prevent rust. The man drives his Harley off and is most pleased.

A few weeks later the man and his girlfriend drive the Harley to her parents house where the man is to meet them for the first time.

The girlfriend tells the man that they have a rule in her house that the first person who speaks after dinner has to wash the dishes.

He walks in and sees that every room is stacked to the ceiling with dirty dishes. He thinks to himself that the stakes are pretty high at this point. His girlfriend leads him into the dining room, careful to not step on the dishes, where her parents are waiting silently.

They have a lovely meal and afterwards there is nothing but silence from all around the table. This silence goes on for about an hour and the man decides that he has to do something to make someone break the silence, so he grabs his girlfriend and kisses her passionately, still no one says a word. He then decides that he's going to have sex with her right there on the dining room table. Again no one says a word. Getting very frustrated at the continued silence he decides to have sex with the mother on the table, nobody says anything.

Just as he finishes with the mother, he sees rain clouds gathering outside.

He runs over to his pants and grabs the tube of vaseline and the father says, "All right, all right, I'll do the damn dishes!!"