Voluntarist
Member
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2011
- Messages
- 4,006
EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM — SNAPocalypse Alert
Dooot dooot dooot
This is not a test.
Repeat: This is not a test.
The National Bureau of Grocery Stability has issued a Category 5 EBT Panic Warning for your area.
Dooot dooot dooot
Conditions:
- Viral TikToks indicate rising threat levels of “I’ll steal if they cut my SNAP.”
- Walmart has activated Code Zucchini: all rotisserie chickens are now behind bulletproof glass.
- Target has deployed anti-looting fog machines in the frozen aisle. Visibility: zero. Morality: compromised.
Forecast:
- Expect scattered thefts of Lunchables, with isolated outbreaks of Capri Sun hoarding.
- Bread shelves may experience flash-mobbing. If you see someone sprinting with twelve loaves, do not engage.
- Local produce may be weaponized. Authorities report one incident involving a cantaloupe and a moral lecture.
Advisory for Retail Staff:
- If approached by a customer yelling “I got kids to feed!” while holding a 40-pack of Slim Jims, assume defensive posture.
- Do not attempt to reason. Do not mention kale.
Statement from Wally Weatherman, now promoted to SNAP Meteorologist:
“We’re looking at a full-blown entitlement front sweeping across the Midwest. If you are an elderly American, we urge you to shelter in place. If you are a cashier, Godspeed.”
Dooot dooot dooot
Final Note:
- The Emergency Broadcast System will now loop indefinitely until Congress passes a budget or the last Hot Pocket is stolen.
