Calling addiction a personal choice makes me think you have never met an addict.
In a bold escalation of empathy-based enforcement, President Trump (the teetotaler in chief) has launched
Operation Booze Shield, a multi-branch military campaign designed to protect the victims of America's greatest addiction threat, alcohol, from themselves by raiding bars, breweries, and liquor stores nationwide.
The Pentagon, citing “compassion-driven counterinsurgency,” deployed Marine Expeditionary Units to urban nightlife districts, where they conducted precision strikes on rooftop margarita bars and staged amphibious landings outside Applebee’s happy hours.
“Addiction isn’t a choice,” said the Secretary of Moral Hygiene, “which is why we must militarily neutralize every distribution node of temptation.”
Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Sobriety has begun issuing Compulsory Beverage Risk Assessments, assigning citizens an Ethanol Vulnerability Index based on Spotify playlists, Uber destinations, and how often they say “just one more.”
To ensure compliance, National Guard units now patrol liquor aisles, offering unsolicited trauma counseling to anyone reaching for a bottle of Merlot. Those with high vulnerability scores are escorted to federally funded “Dry Zones,” where they can safely reflect on their lack of autonomy under the watchful eye of biometric empathy drones.
Critics argue this violates civil liberties. Supporters say it’s the only way to show we care.
Next phase: drone strikes on weekend tailgate parties ... for predictive addiction assessments.
Note: Not that I approve of taxpayer funding of addiction programs. But if you're going to play the addiction card, Trump has revoked over $11 billion from addiction treatment programs since he took office.