The rise of 'motherism': Stay-at-home mothers face prejudice

[July]

Families who can financially afford for one parent to stay home are very fortunate in todays economy.

Who cares what "society" thinks? Look where they've got us.

Indeed, I think the assumption is becoming also that SAHMs are rich, and that adds another layer of resentment.

 

[cajuncocoa]

Yep. And I think a large amount of homeschoolphobia comes from the parent having the ridiculous notion that they have to "come up with" everything involved and basically replace a 5-8 hour school day (depending on homework load) all by themselves. Frankly, public school wastes a crapload of time. Teaching just your child means that you can play to their strengths and challenge/address their weaknesses. There are plenty of good lesson plans and texts out there, and there are even online resources that can make excellent use of. You are also free to actually go out and look at leaves instead of just looking at them in a book, without having to sign 100 waivers because little Jenny might be allergic to maple pollen and break out in hives. The list goes on and on, and that's without even addressing the content objections.

I didn't homeschool, and I regret that decision. My two went to public school (couldn't afford private/parochial) and I can tell you that they do indeed waste a crapload of time. In the end, I think I did actually wind up filling the holes that public school left in their education....I had to teach both of them algebra in middle school. They just couldn't grasp it from just school lessons. If I had a quarter for every time they came home in elementary school and said what they did that day was watch a movie....wow.

 

[donnay]

My wife stayed home until each of our children entered Kindergarten and I wouldn't have it any other way. We suffered financially for that decision and we have not regretted it for one second. My second child is finishing high school now and we also have a 3 year old. When my wife mentioned to some other mothers recently that we likely will home school this child, they were horrified at the concept. I think people get worked up because they look at these decisions as a reflection of their own. Why should a working mother care if another wishes to stay home? Why should they care if someone home schools? I think they want every other mother to stop breast feeding, put their baby in day care and then put them into public school... any deviation from this path bothers those that choose it for their family.

Because we have a society of nosy nellies and narcissists. The phony feminist movement brainwashed a good many young women.

 

[donnay]

I didn't homeschool, and I regret that decision. My two went to public school (couldn't afford private/parochial) and I can tell you that they do indeed waste a crapload of time. In the end, I think I did actually wind up filling the holes that public school left in their education....I had to teach both of them algebra in middle school. They just couldn't grasp it from just school lessons. If I had a quarter for every time they came home in elementary school and said what they did that day was watch a movie....wow.

Unfortunately today school has become glorified babysitters for the parents who have to keep up with the Joneses. I have seen people who are mortgaged to the teeth, eat out four times a week and their kids have the latest and greatest toys as do the parents. They enroll their children in every extra curricular activity and live vicarious through their children.

When we first started out, we didn't have two brand new cars and the brand new house full of brand new furniture. I cooked every night of the week and we went out to dinner only when it was a special occasion. If money was tight, I worked nights as a waitress, juggled night school three nights a week and my husband watched the children and worked days. Family watched the children when we went out for our Anniversary.

 

[cajuncocoa]

Unfortunately today school has become glorified babysitters for the parents who have to keep up with the Joneses. I have seen people who are mortgaged to the teeth, eat out four times a week and their kids have the latest and greatest toys as do the parents. They enroll their children in every extra curricular activity and live vicarious through their children.

When we first started out, we didn't have two brand new cars and the brand new house full of brand new furniture. I cooked every night of the week and we went out to dinner only when it was a special occasion. If money was tight, I worked nights as a waitress, juggled night school three nights a week and my husband watched the children and worked days. Family watched the children when we went out for our Anniversary.

Your life sounds a lot like ours was. And those parents in your first paragraph...we knew so many who were living like that. Couldn't understand how they found the time to do all that!

 

[amy31416]

It's great if someone can stay home with children during their most critical years. I do have to laugh, though, at the idea that there's this huge prejudice. Just no. Envy? That I could buy; it means there are other economic resources available so that the mother can stay home, whether that is the husband or an extended family or the Government. Lazy? I have met lazy parents in my time, yes, and it is mindboggling that maybe those are some of the mommies being offended (if you can't actually run a household where there isn't mold and dirty clothing and unchanged kitty litter in your home, then please don't bring children into it).

But the prejudice I HAVE seen is largely of the anti-non-mommy variety. Don't have children? Expect to be called upon when your co-worker's child has a cold, or a doctor's appointment, or a recital. If your co-worker is pregnant and moody and hormonal, you will be expected to be excited for her bringing another child she cannot afford into the world. If you have plans, they can be negated by the "more important" duties associated with motherhood. I have worked (note: past tense) at places where my time off was revoked because someone wanted to go to a concert, and what with being a single mom, she NEVER got to go ANYWHERE and her boyfriend got tickets. They did not ask, they just revoked my time off on some made-up technicality and told me that if I called out without a doctor's note to demonstrate why I couldn't come in that day, I would be written up.

Ah... right... *looks at topic*... anyhow back to it, right?

I would think the look with pity in their eyes thing is either envy or an assumption that, if you are working, you need the check to make ends meet. If you are going to stay home with a child then your income is going away AND you are going to have a lot of expenses. What those people don't realize is that you are also shedding a number of expenses, so if you're crafty about it you can come out of it economically even --- and greatly benefit your child. In that particular case, it'd be a no-brainer, but this also assumes (again) that you are not the sole income.

I never really got any "discrimination" either way, except from parents pushing for grandkids and one idiot step-MIL who asked what I do all day. She's the type to just yell a kid into submission, so I turned her down on her babysitting offer to "allow" me to go back to work. She doesn't think it's any work because for her, it really wasn't.

 

[MelissaWV]

I never really got any "discrimination" either way, except from parents pushing for grandkids and one idiot step-MIL who asked what I do all day. She's the type to just yell a kid into submission, so I turned her down on her babysitting offer to "allow" me to go back to work. She doesn't think it's any work because for her, it really wasn't.

OMG! You are promoting a motherist stereotype!

 

[Paulbot99]

But... But... Those women are obviously oppressed! No one can find emotional satisfaction from raising their own kids full-time.

 

[kathy88]

Where I live there are actually very few stay at home moms. There are instead lots of tax tics who are better off financially if they don't work. Huge difference. I work from home. Does that make me a stay at home mom?

 

[amy31416]

OMG! You are promoting a motherist stereotype!

Actually. I just thought of a situation where I was one of those who "discriminated" against one of the uber-mommy types. I had a long-term technical project with a woman who had 3 kids and two more on the way, she was supposed to do the microbiology aspect of the project, and I was undertaking the chem part. She missed so much work and was incapable of doing 90%+ of what she should have handled. I was doing almost everything, she'd whine a lot, and I had her kicked off the project. I was better off on my own, and she was about to explode with twins or triplets--can't honestly remember which.

She got pushed on me because I was the noob in the department, and they couldn't figure out what do do with her since she wasn't medically allowed into most of the labs. They couldn't say anything to her due to a potential lawsuit. She intended to return to work after having the babies.

So...I'm guilty of discrimination. Don't regret it.

Speaking of which, ever run into women who just seem to like being pregnant, then don't seem very interested in the finished product? I have.

 

[calendula]

@cajuncocoa moms of twins rock! My twins are 9 months old now, and I am a SAHM.

If I had a nickel for every time I've been asked, "So when are you going back to work?" And when I tell them, "Not any time soon," I get a puzzled look in return, "Oh..."

I do have to say, many people have been very supportive of our decision. We are sacrificing a lot to do this, and I'm not just talking giving up cable tv. Shit's tight right now to say the least. On the other hand, I have gotten plenty of negative feed back as well. Many times, when I tell someone that I am not going back to work for now, they say something like, "That must be nice," and scoff. They're not meaning, "That must be nice to be able to raise your children yourself," rather, they mean, "must be nice to sit on your ass at home all day while we all work."

So, that to me is discrimination. And it just isn't true, though I think it depends on the mom. For us, we like to make our food from scratch, garden, make our own laundry detergent, soap, I sew, do cloth diapers, very little as far as "convenience items" go, etc... I'm a busy person. However, I have known a couple of SAHMs who have dirty piles of laundry, scummy floors, and neglected children on a regular basis, and those chicks give us a bad name.

I feel that through my schooling and the media, I was socialized to not want kids at all, but to most certainly be a working mother if I somehow "got stuck" having some rugrats. Obviously, I have changed my mind on the subject, but many women do not.

 

[cajuncocoa]

@cajuncocoa moms of twins rock! My twins are 9 months old now, and I am a SAHM.

If I had a nickel for every time I've been asked, "So when are you going back to work?" And when I tell them, "Not any time soon," I get a puzzled look in return, "Oh..."

I do have to say, many people have been very supportive of our decision. We are sacrificing a lot to do this, and I'm not just talking giving up cable tv. Shit's tight right now to say the least. On the other hand, I have gotten plenty of negative feed back as well. Many times, when I tell someone that I am not going back to work for now, they say something like, "That must be nice," and scoff. They're not meaning, "That must be nice to be able to raise your children yourself," rather, they mean, "must be nice to sit on your ass at home all day while we all work."

So, that to me is discrimination. And it just isn't true, though I think it depends on the mom. For us, we like to make our food from scratch, garden, make our own laundry detergent, soap, I sew, do cloth diapers, very little as far as "convenience items" go, etc... I'm a busy person. However, I have known a couple of SAHMs who have dirty piles of laundry, scummy floors, and neglected children on a regular basis, and those chicks give us a bad name.

I feel that through my schooling and the media, I was socialized to not want kids at all, but to most certainly be a working mother if I somehow "got stuck" having some rugrats. Obviously, I have changed my mind on the subject, but many women do not.

yep, I've gotten that one before too. And +rep to a fellow mom of twins!

 

[Voluntarist]

xxxxx

 

[Voluntarist]

xxxxx

 

[muzzled dogg]

What about a stay at home mother who send her kids off to public school?

 

[cajuncocoa]

How about stay-at-home fathers? Do they face prejudice? (Which I mention having been one for over four years).

I would think stay-at-home fathers face even more prejudice than SAHMs.

 

[specsaregood]

//

 

[cajuncocoa]

What about a stay at home mother who send her kids off to public school?

*raises hand*

For some reason, I didn't think I was qualified to homeschool when the twins were ready for kindergarten. The ironic thing about sending your kids to public school is that you end up homeschooling them anyway when it comes time for them to do their homework.

 

[Feeding the Abscess]

Perhaps; but I don't think I'm entirely off the mark. Some people just don't have the experience or attitude to spend all day with their kids and don't like the experience.

On a sidenote: I'm lucky enough to work from home and thus be a stay at home dad, I love it. But I have a lot of babysitting and child experience from when I was growing up. I dont' know about what moms go through but every guy I've mentioned my situation to is almost outright jealous. And the #s of SAHDs is growing quickly from what I see. Hell, if you go grocery shopping in my area early on a Saturday or sunday (pre-9am) the store is filled with dad's with kids and nary a woman with kids to be found. I thought it was a fluke the first time then I started making note of it.

I wouldn't think a dad shopping on a Saturday or Sunday morning with his kids would necessarily be an indication that he's a stay at home dad. If anything, I'd think he's there on those days because he's working during the week.

 

[jclay2]

Just starting month 3 with our first little one. Typical response my wife has gotten for deciding to stay home for the time being:

Friend: "Oh so when will you be going back to work"
Wife: (very nervous) "Umm....well I think I am going to stay home with them for the first couple months and see what happens"
Friend: "Oh that's nice" (looks away embarrassed)