November 5, 2004
Editor:
Let me be bold. I am a convicted TPer. It's true. I once engaged in the uncivilized, barbarous, vandalistic—okay—subhuman act of TPing. What's worse, I've no remorse. I've not lost one night's sleep. I would even go so far as to suggest that the free distribution of toilet paper may be better moved from an annual to a monthly event in an effort to improve the atmosphere around town.
You see, there's no rehabilitation from the heinous act of TPing. The evidence is overwhelming. Since TPing has been criminalized at the high school the incorrigible delinquents simply engage in chaos elsewhere. The administration is obviously justified in their War Against TP. The next generation must be stopped before they toss their first roll.
We lost souls know too well that criminalization, humiliation, and extra schoolwork are not enough to overcome this senseless crime. There are only two solutions:
First, ban toilet paper, and return to the use of Sears and Roebuck. This would be a great strain on the city sewer system. It's not financially feasible.
That leaves the Final Solution. Every year during Homecoming Week, all the high school students can be 'proactively' jailed. The one-cent sales tax for buildings and grounds can be used to erect a tall, concrete fence topped with barbed wire around the high school. Every thousand feet a turret with an armed guard (paid through anti-terrorism funds) can be placed. Outside the fence a mote can be dug in place of the sidewalks, while emblazoned on the gate students find the patriotic admonition, "Work Makes One Free."
Inside the facility students can be tested, retested, and tested again until they've learned to concentrate on academics. To reflect that intent, the facility can be called a concentration camp.
If enough community consensus can be contrived, this camp could run year-round. Children can be placed there at age five and released at after the completion of high school. No child left behind—let's round them all up! During these 13 years of confinement, they can be empowered to return the lightning to the sky and the scepter to the king. You know, develop the type of deep respect for authority's divine right that has always been the foundation of American thought.
Our DHS office can close permanently. Crime will be drastically reduced, and there will be no need for a juvenile probation officer. The school would be granted absolute power over children, and parents would no longer be allowed to corrupt their dear little souls.
Think of the hours and inches saved by the newspaper. Think of the fun school administrators could have once again. Think of the well-adapted citizens produced by this highly controlled facility. Together, we can make these Hard Times.
As patriotic Davis Countians, you do not have to agree with the Final Solution, but because of the great urgency to win the War Against TP, you must support it. It is our Manifest Destiny. Without these drastic measures, rebellion against arbitrary bureaucratic decision-making could become the fashion right here, in the heart of America. This isn't Boston, and TP doesn't mean Tea Party. Yet, heaven forbid, that sort of clandestine terrorism is possible if something isn't done soon.
<----- kidding, maybe
