tod evans
Member
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2008
- Messages
- 36,071
Had to share this'n I'm still laughing!
>
>> Dear Family, I'm not dead
>> yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my
>> Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might
>> consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
>> Dinner is at 2:00.
>> NOT 2:15 NOT 2:05 Two 2:00 Arrive late and you
>> get what's left over.
>> Last year, that moron Marshall fried a
>> turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned
>> the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used
>> to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut
>> butter I add to the carrot soup.
>> Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot.
>> You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving
>> needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I
>> thought you might have learned after two wives - date them
>> longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
>>
>> Now, the house rules are slightly different
>> this year because I have decided that 47 percent of you
>> don't know how to take care of nice things. So this year
>> I'm using paper plates and red Solo cups. They might be
>> bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that
>> will be your problem to deal with.
>> House Rules:
>> 1. The University of Texas no longer plays
>> Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
>>
>> 2. The "no drink cans for kids"
>> rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your
>> children still open a third can before finishing the first
>> two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty.
>> All of the cups will have names printed on them and I'll
>> be paying close attention to refills.
>> 3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's
>> house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad
>> showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front
>> door it will go right back out the back door with the
>> garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never
>> been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that
>> wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
>>
>> 4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies
>> and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat
>> healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they
>> like as long as they finish it.
>> 5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease.
>> That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't
>> change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg
>> salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a
>> little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good.
>> Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being
>> healthy, look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I
>> know.
>> 6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space
>> on the plate.
>> 7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in
>> the car.
>> 8. I do not like video cameras. There will
>> be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of
>> memories without the camera pointed at me.
>>
>> 9. Being a mother means you have to actually
>> pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I
>> won't put them away just because company is coming over.
>> Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
>>
>> 10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice
>> a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think
>> staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me
>> know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with
>> that. Can you?
>> 11. Words mean things. I say what I mean.
>> Let me repeat: when I say, "You don't need to bring
>> anything," means you don't need to bring anything.
>> And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the
>> quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be
>> difficult.
>> 12. Dominos and cards are better than
>> anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That
>> was true when you were kids and it's true now that you
>> have kids
>> 13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees
>> presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that
>> may or may not be signed.
>> In memory of your grandfather, the back
>> fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I
>> prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the
>> designated driver. I
>> really mean all of the above. Love you,
>> Grandma
>
>> Dear Family, I'm not dead
>> yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my
>> Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might
>> consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
>> Dinner is at 2:00.
>> NOT 2:15 NOT 2:05 Two 2:00 Arrive late and you
>> get what's left over.
>> Last year, that moron Marshall fried a
>> turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned
>> the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used
>> to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut
>> butter I add to the carrot soup.
>> Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot.
>> You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving
>> needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I
>> thought you might have learned after two wives - date them
>> longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
>>
>> Now, the house rules are slightly different
>> this year because I have decided that 47 percent of you
>> don't know how to take care of nice things. So this year
>> I'm using paper plates and red Solo cups. They might be
>> bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that
>> will be your problem to deal with.
>> House Rules:
>> 1. The University of Texas no longer plays
>> Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
>>
>> 2. The "no drink cans for kids"
>> rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your
>> children still open a third can before finishing the first
>> two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty.
>> All of the cups will have names printed on them and I'll
>> be paying close attention to refills.
>> 3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's
>> house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad
>> showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front
>> door it will go right back out the back door with the
>> garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never
>> been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that
>> wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
>>
>> 4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies
>> and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat
>> healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they
>> like as long as they finish it.
>> 5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease.
>> That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't
>> change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg
>> salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a
>> little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good.
>> Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being
>> healthy, look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I
>> know.
>> 6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space
>> on the plate.
>> 7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in
>> the car.
>> 8. I do not like video cameras. There will
>> be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of
>> memories without the camera pointed at me.
>>
>> 9. Being a mother means you have to actually
>> pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I
>> won't put them away just because company is coming over.
>> Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
>>
>> 10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice
>> a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think
>> staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me
>> know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with
>> that. Can you?
>> 11. Words mean things. I say what I mean.
>> Let me repeat: when I say, "You don't need to bring
>> anything," means you don't need to bring anything.
>> And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the
>> quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be
>> difficult.
>> 12. Dominos and cards are better than
>> anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That
>> was true when you were kids and it's true now that you
>> have kids
>> 13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees
>> presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that
>> may or may not be signed.
>> In memory of your grandfather, the back
>> fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I
>> prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the
>> designated driver. I
>> really mean all of the above. Love you,
>> Grandma
Gonna send it to my kids. And my mom. +rep
My MIL still makes the gelatin salads--heh heh.
