Honorable members of Congress, esteemed representatives of the media, exalted masters of the financial universe, and sane people:
The state of the Union is sound. This is the case, as always, as Will Rogers said, in spite of government, not by the aid of it. But rest assured that your government is not in any way complacent in this matter. Washington D.C. has rolled up its sleeves and is working daily to rectify this situation.
And toward that end, your federal government has once again contemplated the ancient fable of the ant and the grasshopper, and has devised yet another way to reward the foolishness of the grasshopper at the expense of the wise and forward-thinking ant. This, of course, is just what you expected. But we have unusually good news for you. This time, we will not merely be punishing the wise and long-suffering ants among us for the benefit of the foolish, short term thinking grasshoppers here in Washington, but for all the foolish and short sighted all across the nation! This will take the form of a new program to steal college savings from those wise enough to save for education, and distribute it among those who aren't. We anticipate great benefits from this, as the Official Indoctrination is often wasted on the smart and the wise, and we are very excited by the prospect of being able to thoroughly wash some more foolish brains...
[Your turn...]
