January 20th, 2009
"Shocking news this evening as President Paul has died of unknown causes. He was on his way home from today's inaugural address when Vice President Romney took him into a dark alleyway with some 'associates' to discuss 'important matters of state,' only to return minutes later with the horrifying announcement.
"Rather than take him to a hospital for an autopsy, the vice president thought it best for the country to move on from its period of mourning by launching the president's body into outer space, along with the original copy of the US Constitution.
"After being sworn in as the 45th president of the United States, a slightly inebriated President Romney told reporters at a ritzy after-party attended by an estimated 5000 individuals from all over the world that 'what happened two hours ago is still with me, yet it has only made me that much more committed to serve this country as president... but hey, enough of this depressing baloney, who wants to get jiggy with me?!'"