Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!
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DamianTV
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Iowa
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One day an elderly couple was out for an afternoon drive had to and stopped for gas.
Attendant: " Would you like me to check the oil?" Wife: "What did he say?" Husband: "He wants to know if I want the oil checked."
Attendant: "Would you like me to top up the washer fluid?" Wife: "What did he say?" Husband: "He wants to know if I want the fluids topped up."
When the attendant heard them talking, he asked, "By the way, where are you from?" The husband replied, "We are from New York." "Oh," said the attendant. "Years ago I was in New york and had the worst love affair ever."
The wife said, "What did he say?" Husband: "He thinks he knows you."
Attendant: " Would you like me to check the oil?" Wife: "What did he say?" Husband: "He wants to know if I want the oil checked."
Attendant: "Would you like me to top up the washer fluid?" Wife: "What did he say?" Husband: "He wants to know if I want the fluids topped up."
When the attendant heard them talking, he asked, "By the way, where are you from?" The husband replied, "We are from New York." "Oh," said the attendant. "Years ago I was in New york and had the worst love affair ever."
The wife said, "What did he say?" Husband: "He thinks he knows you."
shakey1
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Schifference
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Hillary Clinton indicted.
opal
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A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?”
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old man.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"
"No sir," said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old man.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"
"No sir," said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”
shakey1
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Stock Market Alert
Normally I avoid discussing any advice received from our broker, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another market crash.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company
Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful.
Normally I avoid discussing any advice received from our broker, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another market crash.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company
Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful.
Last edited:
William Tell
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shakey1
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SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK?
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are ! 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are ! 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Pauls' Revere
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Two penguins are sitting on an iceberg.
First penguin turns and looks at the other and says "Hey, looks like your wearing a tuxedo".
Second penguin says "What makes you think i'm not"?
First penguin turns and looks at the other and says "Hey, looks like your wearing a tuxedo".
Second penguin says "What makes you think i'm not"?
Pauls' Revere
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Whats read and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Red paint.
Swordsmyth
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- Apr 14, 2016
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- 74,737
[h=1]An FBI Supervisor Walks Into A Bar.....[/h]
An F.B.I. counterterrorism supervisor is under internal investigation after a woman stole his gun following a night of heavy drinking in a North Carolina hotel, according to documents and government officials.
In July, Robert Manson, a unit chief in the F.B.I.’s international terrorism section, had his Glock .40-caliber handgun, a $6,000 Rolex watch and $60 in cash stolen from his room at the Westin hotel in Charlotte, N.C., according to a police report.
“Investigators determined that the victim, Robert Manson, met a woman in the hotel bar the prior night and took her back to his hotel room,” Robert Tufano, a spokesman for the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department, said in a statement.
At 6:30 the next morning, police officers for the department were called to the hotel. Mr. Manson was incapacitated because of alcohol, according to the police report, which he did not file himself. A fellow agent, Kevin Thuman, gave the report, which says the theft happened from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. The hotel bar closes at 2 a.m.
Adding to the hilarity of the event, while they failed to disclose it originally, Manson's fellow agents later told the police that the women they had been boozing with the night before were exotic dancers. Oddly, that little detail didn't make it into the official police report.
Of course, no arrest has been made to date but we're sure the FBI is thoroughly enjoying the investigation into Charlotte's finest establishments...
Here is the full police report for your amusement
More at: http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2017-...ets-stripper-wakes-no-gun-no-rolex-no-dignity
An F.B.I. counterterrorism supervisor is under internal investigation after a woman stole his gun following a night of heavy drinking in a North Carolina hotel, according to documents and government officials.
In July, Robert Manson, a unit chief in the F.B.I.’s international terrorism section, had his Glock .40-caliber handgun, a $6,000 Rolex watch and $60 in cash stolen from his room at the Westin hotel in Charlotte, N.C., according to a police report.
“Investigators determined that the victim, Robert Manson, met a woman in the hotel bar the prior night and took her back to his hotel room,” Robert Tufano, a spokesman for the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department, said in a statement.
At 6:30 the next morning, police officers for the department were called to the hotel. Mr. Manson was incapacitated because of alcohol, according to the police report, which he did not file himself. A fellow agent, Kevin Thuman, gave the report, which says the theft happened from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. The hotel bar closes at 2 a.m.
Adding to the hilarity of the event, while they failed to disclose it originally, Manson's fellow agents later told the police that the women they had been boozing with the night before were exotic dancers. Oddly, that little detail didn't make it into the official police report.
Of course, no arrest has been made to date but we're sure the FBI is thoroughly enjoying the investigation into Charlotte's finest establishments...
Here is the full police report for your amusement
More at: http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2017-...ets-stripper-wakes-no-gun-no-rolex-no-dignity
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