Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!
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Bman
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While visiting England, Obama is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Obama asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Obama watches as the Queen phones David Cameron and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
David Cameron responds, "It's me."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Obama?"
Obama nods: "Yes. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Obama, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Vice President to the test. Obama summons Joe Biden to the White House and says, "Joe, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course. What's on your mind?"
Obama poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Biden hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Obama agrees, and Biden leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of the senior Democrat senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Biden calls Hillary Clinton at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Hillary answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Biden rushes back to the White House, finds Obama, and exclaims, "I know the answer! I know who it is! It's Hillary Clinton!"
And Obama replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb fuck, it's David Cameron!"
Obama asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Obama watches as the Queen phones David Cameron and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
David Cameron responds, "It's me."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Obama?"
Obama nods: "Yes. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Obama, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Vice President to the test. Obama summons Joe Biden to the White House and says, "Joe, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course. What's on your mind?"
Obama poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Biden hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Obama agrees, and Biden leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of the senior Democrat senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Biden calls Hillary Clinton at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Hillary answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Biden rushes back to the White House, finds Obama, and exclaims, "I know the answer! I know who it is! It's Hillary Clinton!"
And Obama replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb fuck, it's David Cameron!"
specsaregood
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Why do so many tree-hugging hippies play the didgeridoo?
--Because it is the closest they can get to actually blowing a tree.
--Because it is the closest they can get to actually blowing a tree.
Anti Federalist
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On a small plane, making an over the ocean trip, are a Mexican, a Texan and a Frenchman.
Sudden mechanical failure forces the plane's occupants to frantically throw out everything they can, to lighten the load.
Still too heavy, the plane continues to lose altitude.
With a dash of gallantry, the Frenchman steps toward the open door, shouts "Vive la' France!!!" and jumps out of the plane.
Stunned, and wondering what do to do next, as the plane is still losing altitude, the Texan bravely steps up to the open door.
Shouting fearlessly into the wind, he hollers at the top of lungs, "Remember the Alamo!!!!"....
...and chucks out the Mexican.
Sudden mechanical failure forces the plane's occupants to frantically throw out everything they can, to lighten the load.
Still too heavy, the plane continues to lose altitude.
With a dash of gallantry, the Frenchman steps toward the open door, shouts "Vive la' France!!!" and jumps out of the plane.
Stunned, and wondering what do to do next, as the plane is still losing altitude, the Texan bravely steps up to the open door.
Shouting fearlessly into the wind, he hollers at the top of lungs, "Remember the Alamo!!!!"....
...and chucks out the Mexican.
Anti Federalist
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Picture the scene...
A suburban back yard, with the police leading a man away in handcuffs, obviously the owner of the home, who has a compound bow and a quiver of arrows on his back.
Lying face down, in a pool of blood, is a woman in a dress, obviously the man's wife.
Sticking out of her back are a number of arrows.
As he is led away, the cops ask, "why did you kill her?"
The husband replies, "Well, I found out it works just like acupuncture....
...now that pain in my ass is gone!"
A suburban back yard, with the police leading a man away in handcuffs, obviously the owner of the home, who has a compound bow and a quiver of arrows on his back.
Lying face down, in a pool of blood, is a woman in a dress, obviously the man's wife.
Sticking out of her back are a number of arrows.
As he is led away, the cops ask, "why did you kill her?"
The husband replies, "Well, I found out it works just like acupuncture....
...now that pain in my ass is gone!"
eduardo89
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heavenlyboy34
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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
RiseAgainst
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How do you top a car?
You tep on the brakes.
You tep on the brakes.
kill the banks
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What You Get For 20 Bucks
Bill Clinton is out on his morning jog when he sees a hooker. As he
passses her, he yells "20 bucks!"
"No way," she answers.
The following morning Bill is jogging with Hillary. As they pass the
same hooker on the street she says, "See what you get for 20 bucks?"
Bill Clinton is out on his morning jog when he sees a hooker. As he
passses her, he yells "20 bucks!"
"No way," she answers.
The following morning Bill is jogging with Hillary. As they pass the
same hooker on the street she says, "See what you get for 20 bucks?"
Ben Bernanke
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kill the banks
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dumb blonde joke:
'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
heavenlyboy34
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I think that one was told earlier in the thread, but still funny.
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Last edited:
heavenlyboy34
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A bunch more:
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.
Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.
Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
ryanmkeisling
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- Jan 16, 2008
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- 1,502
I lived with some girls in Boston who were like this, they let me play too. I worked a chef job 90 hrs a week, between that, the coke and those girls, I slept 4 hours in a whole year. To be in yer 20's....
Here's a joke I herd back in that time...
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
getting her back in the wheelchair.
DamianTV
Member
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2007
- Messages
- 20,677
Winner! (picked due to Liberty Orientation, and Cops are Dicks!)
Been about a year, but I guess this is Round 5?
Ok, on to the next set of terribly horrible jokes!
Working Poor
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- Feb 15, 2008
- Messages
- 10,985
What is the Brunette mating call?
Have all the blondes left yet?
Have all the blondes left yet?
CasualApathy
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- May 22, 2007
- Messages
- 3,235
A vote for Newt is a vote for the people!
fisharmor
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- Feb 8, 2008
- Messages
- 12,455
A mathemetician, a physicist, and an engineer are all locked in prison cells with water and 30 cans of food, with no can opener.
A month later, the guards check on the mathemetician. He's used the cans as a primitive abacus and figured out pi to 1000 places... and is stone dead.
They check on the physicist, and he's figured out the exact trajectory to throw the cans at the wall and pop them open, and is well fed and alive.
They check on the engineer, and he's gone.
What's the difference between Simba from the Lion King, and Barack Obama?
One's an African Lion, and the other's a lyin' African.
What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
Nobody eats parsley.
What's the difference between refrigerators and women?
Refrigerators don't fart when you pull the meat out.
What's the difference between looking for your lost golf ball, and Lady Godiva?
Looking for your golf ball is a hunt on a course.
What's the difference between a hooker with diarrhea and an epileptic oyster shucker?
The epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.
An Irish girl comes home from college and says "Ma, I got me a case o' VD."
Her mother replies "Put it in the cellar, yer father'll drink anything."
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. The trick is getting them in there.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hung on his dick.
The bartender asks "What's with the wheel on your dick?"
"Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
A man walks in a bar and orders a drink. Before he can drink it, a tiny man jumps out of his pocket and kicks his drink over.
He orders another, and the tiny man kicks it over again.
Bartender: "What's going on here?"
"Well, years ago I found a magic lamp and was granted one wish. So I wished for a 12 inch prick."
Napolitanic Wars
Member
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- Aug 9, 2011
- Messages
- 997
A blond walks into a bar and the bartender says "I heard your pregnant. Congradulations!"
The blond says "Thanks, but I'm not sure I'm the mother."
The blond says "Thanks, but I'm not sure I'm the mother."
specsaregood
Member
- Joined
- May 21, 2007
- Messages
- 39,143
//
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