marriage

[BetterCallSaul]

I have a wife for 7 years now- been having some issues I suppose; nothing serious, but worthy of consideration that merits pauses and reflection, and counsel.

So I think to myself, "That's cool- I will just ask a good husband about his marriage."

So that was maybe 7 or 8 weeks ago. I still can't think of a good husband that I know. Which is to say, one who is happy with his wife, and not commiting adultery.

Which leads me to fear that marriage is a total scam, and that I am doomed. Not that the wife is anything but lovely, but the institution itself truly feels like a means for the ruling class to farm out enforcement to unpaid agents who are nevertheless invested in my conformity to its dictates.

What do you folks think of it?

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I am asking about this because I just read this article that someone posted on Facebook, and I think that it's filled with all of the typical bullshit cliches that I hear all the time and that literally mean nothing to me- all of, entirely worthless and obvious advice.

http://afterjujuman.wordpress.com/2...vorcing-my-wife-of-16-years-by-gerald-rogers/

(from article)

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

Obviously an outer-party level, upper-middle class guy to give such advice; most of the couples that I know are lucky to even have off of work at the same time, let alone have money to NEVER STOP DATING! like they are 16. Filed: worthless

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

I object to this line of thinking in principle; there is such a strongly entrenched, kid-with-his-ears-plugged-and-chanting sort of mantra that dominates relationships in America (probably in a lot of places) that Love is some finite resource that can't be spread around or shared, and has to be bottled and quantified and monopolized by one recipient- seems like the opposite of Love to me.

Also what about like...your friends? Your mother? I don't understand the impulse to only let one person understand you, and, imagine that people who cling so fiercely to this idea are actually terribly unhappy or insane.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

Sadness. Why should every day be a battle against some kind imagined resistance?

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

delusion and insanity

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

lol Would this advice work for Al Bundy?

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

ludicrous- abusers literally try and impose this idea on people and its a definition of emotionally abusing them...


you get the idea.

 

[ManOfSteel]

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011

Hope this helps!

 

[otherone]

I was married for twenty years, I've been divorced for 7. IMO, the above advice is nonsense. Women aren't prizes, they're people. If you put yourself in a subordinate position by constantly trying to "win her", she will lose all respect for you. A marriage takes TWO people deeply committed. If your spouse isn't into it as much as you, your marriage is destined to fail. Mine did, for what it's worth. And no, there was no infidelity.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011

Hope this helps!

thanks but not at all...

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I was married for twenty years, I've been divorced for 7. IMO, the above advice is nonsense. Women aren't prizes, they're people. If you put yourself in a subordinate position by constantly trying to "win her", she will lose all respect for you. A marriage takes TWO people deeply committed. If your spouse isn't into it as much as you, your marriage is destined to fail. Mine did, for what it's worth. And no, there was no infidelity.

So what was it then?

 

[jdmyprez_deo_vindice]

I just recently came out of a major marital issue which had resulted in requests for a divorce and other terrible things. Some of what you quoted from the article is very true and some is total bunk. I am sorry to hear you are having marital problems but I can assure you that you are not alone. It seems to be an epidemic right now with most of the couples I know of breaking up, divorcing, separating or just at each others throats. I know many here are not of a Christian faith but there is something in the Holy Bible which gave me strength going through what I went through:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13:4-8&version=NIV

 

[otherone]

So what was it then?

to what degree was, "Oh yeah- this ass..." a factor?

I don't understand....

 

[Nirvikalpa]

Sounds like you need better friends more than marriage advice. Then again, birds of a feather do flock together...

Also what about like...your friends? Your mother? I don't understand the impulse to only let one person understand you, and, imagine that people who cling so fiercely to this idea are actually terribly unhappy or insane.

That's not at all what the author is saying. He/She is not saying to let only one person "understand you," but that there should be things you share with your wife and your wife only, and that she she hold a place separate in your heart than your friends or your mother. Likewise, there are things you will share with your friends and your mother that you won't share with your wife.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

My marriage isn't really "having trouble." That was my bad, poor communication.

What I mean is, the nature of it as a scam is more and more evident to me, despite no issues with our actual relationship.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

That's not at all what the author is saying. He/She is not saying to let only one person "understand you," but that there should be things you share with your wife and your wife only, and that she she hold a place separate in your heart than your friends or your mother. Likewise, there are things you will share with your friends and your mother than you won't share with your wife.

semantics. Whatever- what about people's feelings is supposed to be all private and reserved for one person? That's not how I relate to people.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

:x

 

[Nirvikalpa]

My marriage isn't really "having trouble." That was my bad, poor communication.

What I mean is, the nature of it as a scam is more and more evident to me, despite no issues with our actual relationship.

Simply put, it seems your wife is the one that has to worry... pretty evident.

 

[evilfunnystuff]

Obviously an outer-party level, upper-middle class guy to give such advice;

or

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Simply put, it seems your wife is the one that has to worry... pretty evident.

well my point is that marriage seems rather skewed to favor a woman's interests, so of course she would be the one to worry about awareness of this, right?

 

[BetterCallSaul]

or

huh?

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Sounds like you need better friends more than marriage advice. Then again, birds of a feather do flock together...

I think that you are maybe being unfair and willingly ignorant- I bet that you would also have trouble finding even one happily married couple over the age of say, 40, in your own life. Or you know better liars, or, are more gullible and willing to accept peoples' pretending and polite claims at face value.

 

[otherone]

And otherone- I meant, at some point, did the arousal machinery just become dulled and unreceptive because, you know, it long ago memorized every detail of every sexual aspect of the wife's appearance, and it's just jaded or something? There must be like a bio-chemical timeline for the intensity of such reactions.

I suppose that would depend on the relationship. Sex is only one part of a marriage. What people at the beginning can't know is how profoundly each partner changes throughout their lives. 20 years is a long time, and if you BOTH aren't deeply committed to the marriage, then it will fail. Many people, when reaching middle age, want to affect change in their lives, and believe they would be happier without that big sack sitting on the couch next to them. Divorce is too easy now.

 

[Nirvikalpa]

I think that you are maybe being unfair and willingly ignorant- I bet that you would also have trouble finding even one happily married couple over the age of say, 40, in your own life. Or you know better liars, or, are more gullible and willing to accept peoples' pretending and polite claims at face value.

You are not understanding the reason why your spouse should hold a special place in your heart, and you're calling me ignorant?

Alright Perfidy. Whatever you say.

Note: I know a lot of people who are over 40 and have healthy, happy marriages. Like anything in life it is exactly what you make of it, and it's not easy. It's something you'll have to work on every day. Some think that's worth it and some do not. I also know a lot of younger, unhappy couples - and they should not have been married in the first place.

 

[loveshiscountry]

semantics. Whatever- what about people's feelings is supposed to be all private and reserved for one person? That's not how I relate to people.

Reserving some things for one person, makes it special.