First Draft. NH Adv. by LLepard. Comments

[jgmaynard]

Lawrence, thank you very much for all your hard work.

However, even I as a Ron Paul fanatic couldn't manage to get through that much text without getting bleary-eyed. My experience with advertising is that white space is a very good thing. If it were me, I'd hit just two things for a NH ad - End the Income Tax and End the War. The less people have to read, the more people will read it.

As for the evolution paragraph, I entirely understand what you are saying. And NH is THE state where that would play the best (only 30% of NH residents describe themselves as religious). And it would probably get Ron a boost in the Independent vote here. However, rather than single out evolution, perhaps you could say the same thing, only more generalized: "In an increasingly technological world, where important decisions need to be made about questions about science (including nuclear power, global warming, etc.), Ron Paul will analyze those subjects with reason and logic independent of dogma or political gain." or something like that...

Just a suggestion.

JM

 

[jdmyprez_deo_vindice]

Please dont

I am a RP fanatic but also a Christian. I have talked to a lot of Christians who have come to support Dr. Paul and I sincerely believe that the line about evolution may undo the work that has been done in bringing conservative Christians on board. Everyone is entitled to believe what they want and millions in this country believe in creationism or some form of it and that one part will totally negate all the other points made in the ad.

 

[burningfur]

I vote to take this part out. Even though I agree with the statement itself, I recognize that the subject is just too polarizing. Plus it really has no place in a political argument.

Then there is another republican candidate who doesn't believe in evolution, and literally believes the world was created in six days. If we are going to replay the Monkey/Scopes trial at the Presidential level, we are surely lost. Anyone who does not believe in the theory of evolution, as proven by science, is immediately disqualified by me as not being capable of critical thought. I am not saying people are not allowed to think "magically", I am just saying that I do not want one of these people running my country.

This will greatly offend Christians, real or otherwise.

I believe the world was created according to Genesis, 6 literal days.

If I were to read that and just be a Christian who didn't know much about the candidates, I would throw the ad out and go support Huckabee just to spite you.

I'm dead serious. This does not belong in a political ad. I can not be clearer.



I mean no disrespect to you, you've done a lot of good for the grassroots with all the money you've donated and the USA Today Ad, but you are going to alienate every person who DOES believe in creationism/intelligent design.

 

[austin4paul]

The ad will reach Americans that read. Those that don't (majority, unfortunately) will not take the time to read it. I did read it...again, as I'd seen the first draft on the Daily Paul a few days ago.

I agree with Linda. Take out the evolution agrument. Ron is running as a Republican and we don't want to alienate anyone over this, because the rest of your arguments will resonate well.

Other suggestions:

1) I would add under the GWB quote about the Constitution "just a (expletive deleted) piece of paper." -- give the reader a better sense of what was actually said.

2) I would add the names of the other candidates after each veiled reference. Most Americans aren't following the election as closely as we are, and it helps to let people know who you're referring to. Name names.

3) When you talk about having bases in the Mideast for years, perhaps a reference to how many other bases we currently have around the world? As I've mentioned this to people, they really are surprised to hear how many troops we have stationed in Europe, as an example. Do we really STILL need to pay for troops in Germany, or are we just supplementing their national defense at the US taxpayer's expense?

4) I'd also suggest when you mention Americans wanting to end the war, a reference to the fact that Americans overwhelmingly voted in a Democratic congress so they would END the war, and they truly disappointed the nation by instead continuing the war.

That's it for my thoughts. I think you are truly a generous and noble person to give this gift to our country. I - and my children who cannot yet vote -- thank you.

 

[PatriotOne]

I would remove the word "nearly".

The mistakes that were made are nearly criminal.

 

[Visual]

I'd say for a short answer, jostle around the paragraphs making the most intriguing first. As someone who read's papers and is lazy, if the first paragraph isn't intresting, I won't bother with the rest of the article.

For my lazy tastes, if I wasn't a RP fan, the beginning isn't intresting enough to me to make me want to read the whole thing. A good picture (or better yet, a diagram or chart) and some quoted quips (like newsweek) would help too.

And have a condensed version of what RP stands for in some table or chart just so incase they are too lazy or don't have the time, they can get the general information on RP.

 

[Carole]

First of all. Well done. Beautifully done.

I do agree with your wife about the one negative paragraph she suggests you not include. You actually cover it in a much more positive manner in the third paragraph.

"The America that I grew up in believed in following Judeo-Christian values, and yet made room for those of different faiths and backgrounds. "

This definitely keeps the message positive and does not come close to attacking anyone, something that some people might equate to negative television ads. The more positive the better.

When you format it, try to limit each paragraph to a few sentences with proper spacing between the paragraphs for easy readibility. I have always found it difficult to read too many single-spaced lines of type and especially when there are too many sentences or lines per paragraph. The spacing between paragraphs is very helpful also.

I only suggest that one or two of the longer paragraphs might be split into two to help the reader. Looking forward to seeing the final product.

You have written an eloquent letter which, I believe, captures what many, many Americans think and believe, but may not always be able to articulate.

Thank you

 

[slantedview]

2) I would add the names of the other candidates after each veiled reference. Most Americans aren't following the election as closely as we are, and it helps to let people know who you're referring to. Name names.

3) When you talk about having bases in the Mideast for years, perhaps a reference to how many other bases we currently have around the world?

These are great suggestions.

Being Ron Paul supporters, we're obviously very familiar with common statements from Ron such as "we're in 127 (or whatever) countries around the world", but most voters will be unfamiliar with these statements. I'd say it would be good to repeat them wherever possible, for the benefit of the un-initiated.

 

[USAF Vet Dan]

My 2 cents

While I think it is impeccably written, I think it is much, much too long. Its been my experience in writing speeches and articles that paring down a draft such as this often brings clarity. It takes a lot of work to edit it to say the same thing with fewer words, but the reader can more easily stay on point. The impact will be greater.

I'll not speak to the finer suggestions that have been made here as I think they all hit on some good points.

By the way, Llepard, you are one of my heroes in this Revolution. God bless you, Sir.

 

[Exarel]

This will greatly offend Christians, real or otherwise.

I believe the world was created according to Genesis, 6 literal days.

If I were to read that and just be a Christian who didn't know much about the candidates, I would throw the ad out and go support Huckabee just to spite you.

I'm dead serious. This does not belong in a political ad. I can not be clearer.



I mean no disrespect to you, you've done a lot of good for the grassroots with all the money you've donated and the USA Today Ad, but you are going to alienate every person who DOES believe in creationism/intelligent design.

Completely agree

 

[nbhadja]

I agree with your thoughts on evolution, but unfortunately there are quite a few people out there who don't want to hear the truth and get turned off by it. So because of this I would leave the evolution part off.

 

[DJ RP]

Um, hate to break this to you dude, because it annoyed me a bit when I saw it, but there is a video out there where ron paul is asked if he believes in evolution and he says he does not accept the theory.

Judging by your paragraph I hope you still support Ron Paul It was definitely the first thing he'd said that made me go "wait... WHAT?" but I still support him because he is so right on everything else and I agree that it is not a political opinion so doesn't affect what he'll do in office.

 

[DrNoZone]

In all respect, bad idea. The vast majority of people who see this ad WILL NOT READ IT! Imagery with some text is a MUCH better idea.

 

[Ron2Win]

I would change Mr. Smith goes to Washington to "One of us, goes to Washington"
I thought, who is Mr. Smith??


It is long and wordy, and hard to read. But that maybe to the lack of formating.

Anyways, GREAT letter.

and I agree, don't mention the evolution paragraph either.

I would like to donate also to help in future adds. You shouldn't bear the burden by yourself.

 

[burningfur]

You speak twice about "eye for an eye", but do you understand what this actually means?


It is compensating someone if you take something from them.



Here's a good explanation of it.



---

"When the Bible says ‘an eye for an eye,’ it encourages us to take the law in our own hands by avenging wrongdoing."

Matthew 5:38 is so often misquoted by the world. Many believe it is giving a license to take matters into our own hands and render evil for evil. In reality, it is referring to civil law concerning restitution. If someone steals your ox, he is to restore the ox. If someone steals and wrecks your car, he is to buy you another one...a car for a car, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. The spirit of what Jesus is saying here is radically different from the "sue the shirt off the back of your neighbor" society in which we live.

---

It is not, taking matters into our own hands and beating someone else up if they beat us up. It is now to forgive the person and turn the cheek.

 

[burningfur]

I agree with your thoughts on evolution, but unfortunately there are quite a few people out there who don't want to hear the truth and get turned off by it. So because of this I would leave the evolution part off.

You guys are so funny. I could say the same to you. Watch I'll edit your paragraph.

I agree with Ken Ham's thoughts on creationism, but unfortunately there are quite a few people out there who don't want to hear the truth and get turned off by it. So because of this I would leave the creation part off.


---

See? Wasn't that fun?

---

 

[burningfur]

In all respect, bad idea. The vast majority of people who see this ad WILL NOT READ IT! Imagery with some text is a MUCH better idea.

I'll have to admit, I had a hard time concentrating on reading that much text.

Better formatting is a must.

Peace and thanks for doing all this stuff for the campaign! My dad was really impressed when he saw the USA Today ad and even more impressed when he found out that it funded by a single supporter! Needless to say, he's voting for Ron Paul!

 

[Benaiah]

I would leave the evolution part out of it.

I'm sure that Dr. Paul believes in Creation.


Darwin said in On the Origin of Species to disregard the theory of evolution if we didn't find fossils of missing links in 100 years. It's been 100 years and we have not one single fossil of a missing link. All we have are a jawbone here, a tooth there, a foot over there.

Yeah, I'd leave the evolution part out.


"Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools."

 

[european]

my comments:

1. listen to Linda! <--

2. maybe make crucial parts or sentences bold. this is done in many popular magazines or newspapers. a person then easily can chose between reading the full article or just the headlines from within the text.

3. the whole Ron Paul movement is unconventional. putting in an ad with 3k+ words fits in nicely.

EDIT:
i talked about you the other day to some of my friends. they all were amazed that someone does such a thing for his country. they havent seen the ad themselves, but they do wonder why you did it, and do wonder about ron paul. and you are their hero already

 

[burningfur]

my comments:

1. listen to Linda! <--

2. maybe make crucial parts or sentences bold. this is done in many popular magazines or newspapers. a person then easily can chose between reading the full article or just the headlines from within the text.

3. the whole Ron Paul movement is unconventional. putting in an ad with 3k+ words fits in nicely.

Great points.

No. 3 is awesome, I didn't even think of that. No other campaign is doing this. Unique and powerful. Very cool.