Fifth Draft of USA Today Ad -- Really about final!!

[TennesseeVol4RP08]

Excellent!

I think we need to attack. But, thankfully, it is not up to me. I would make more enemies than friends. Treason should be taken ALOT more seriously.

 

[jpinkerton]

Anyone else think the white looks like a tombstone?

 

[TennesseeVol4RP08]

No

I like it . the white looks fine. the message is strong.

 

[Stealth4]

2 Items, 1 specific, 1 general

Specific: First "...warned" item is a sentence that does not read well. I suggest "all too often become enemies who take the lives of your brave soldiers" insread of "all too often become enemies you've enabled to take the lives of your brave soldiers"

General: Bottom of the page on the left, the bulleted list - put something in there that Ron Paul is for friendship with all nations, true free trade - right now it does sound a little isolationist.

Otherwise great job and thank you for allowing us to submit comments!

 

[Dan D.]

I don't think it's absolutely necessary to have the FF's facing inward, but I do think that after the typos and the lobbyist line were corrected, the first draft was one of the best.

Ron's picture should be at the same size as the others. The message may be what's important, but we need to get the man elected. Facial recognition is important.

 

[Stealth4]

Facial recognition is important.

agree

 

[Ethek]

Agreed, I had the same urge as Libertarian on the last draft.

 

[Man from La Mancha]

Anyone else think the white looks like a tombstone?

Could a be very effective mental image, considering our Republic is dying.

.

 

[MRoCkEd]

The Second Draft Was Fine

 

[jenninlouisiana]

I miss the part about " a government that is big enough to give you what you want is..... to take everything you have..." I thought that was powerful.

But....... I think it is so generous of you to do an AD, and that is the most important aspect of this.

 

[work2win]

Can I vote for the Third draft?

I think we hit a pinnacle with that draft. Now we're back to the Founders talking from beyond the grave.

 

[max]

this finished product is a watered down ABORTION...an empty shell of the original masterpiece than ran in New Hampshire..

The hook is gone....all the power words is gone...new shit was added to the founders letter which did not need to be..

This is an incoherent...non-flowing Frankenestein monster..

Read the original pre-abortion "consensus" version...and then compare to this bland Presidents Day sale add..

the abortion is a microcosm of America today...a consensus of "play it safe" foools bringing down the bold geniuses

 

[llepard]

this finished product is a watered down ABORTION...an empty shell of the original masterpiece than ran in New Hampshire..

The hook is gone....all the power words is gone...new shit was added to the founders letter which did not need to be..

This is an incoherent...non-flowing Frankenestein monster..

Read the original pre-abortion "consensus" version...and then compare to this bland Presidents Day sale add..

the abortion is a microcosm of America today...a consensus of "play it safe" foools bringing down the bold geniuses

I hear you Max, but it's going to be OK. Think big picture, think strategic. We want to win, not just make a point.

LWL

 

[fcofer]

So, that being said, I liked the layout and design of the ad, but thought I could improve it a little.

WOW! That was a real improvement in the layout, in my opinion! (Click acmegeek's name to see his layout in the earlier post.) I love the Statue of Liberty overlay -- it really draws the eye from a distance.

I think that the ad has gotten a LOT better in its mainstream appeal, and I also agree with those who say that we should include information rather than trying to be merely catchy -- it's information that actually gets people interested (at least the kind of people we want right now).

I support the wording in the earlier draft about thousands fighting and dying with no real connection to our national security -- that does reassure the reader that Ron Paul is not for "abolishing the military", as per that ridiculous Face the Nation question.

Thanks again, llepard! No matter what gets run now, it's going to be excellent and I am convinced that we are going to gain a lot of supporters (and a lot more teaparty cash) from this! This is awesome!

 

[gworrel]

Document writing by committee is not impossible but it does take time and patience. It may sometimes get worse before it gets better. Those who are so critical would do better to offer specific suggestions instead of just throwing up their hands.

An informative piece can do more to persuade than a simple image ad with slogans. I think the important thing is to keep it simple and the writing must be very clean. It probably makes sense to have this checked over by a professional writer or editor.
Please do not "just run it" to be done with it. Sometimes it takes many drafts and a lot of work to come up with a piece that has the clarity and quality that makes it look as effortless and powerful as the first draft, but without the mistakes and flaws. Thanks.

 

[Pete Kay]

this finished product is a watered down ABORTION...an empty shell of the original masterpiece than ran in New Hampshire..

The hook is gone....all the power words is gone...new shit was added to the founders letter which did not need to be..

This is an incoherent...non-flowing Frankenestein monster..

Read the original pre-abortion "consensus" version...and then compare to this bland Presidents Day sale add..

the abortion is a microcosm of America today...a consensus of "play it safe" foools bringing down the bold geniuses

I didn't even know this ad was on a 5th version already! After looking at your original ad Max, I have to agree. This final version is very awkward in the way that it is written. If it is going to have the Founders speaking to the the American people, then all the mentions of Ron Paul need to be taken out in the actual letter portion. It does not flow at all with having the Ron Paul points in paranthesis after each warning. This really jumps the gun and is breaks up the pace of the letter, causing disinterest. The ad should flow upwards towards a creshendo with Ron Paul being at the crest of it. Also the ad is not believable as an imaginary letter from the Founders because it does not use their language and style of writing.

I feel badly, since I was such a loud critic of the 1st draft. It did need to address the Founders speaking in first person issue, but it did not do it in a sastifactory way. I agree that the ad has lost its punch. I appreciate llepard taking advice and criticism, but I think the ad has become too much of a potpourri of ideas and lost it's focus. I'm sorry about that.

 

[Leslie Webb]

2 Items, 1 specific, 1 general

Specific: First "...warned" item is a sentence that does not read well. I suggest "all too often become enemies who take the lives of your brave soldiers" instead of "all too often become enemies you've enabled to take the lives of your brave soldiers"

Agree. "all too often become enemies you've enabled to take the lives of your brave soldiers" sounds awkward and unnatural. Use the suggested "all too often become enemies who take the lives of your brave soldiers" instead.

 

[Sol]

How many straw polls were there in total. It might be more informative to say "Ron Paul has placed 1st or 2nd in 27 of X straw polls..." in the line near the bottom.

 

[Proemio]

I hear you Max, but it's going to be OK. Think big picture, think strategic. We want to win, not just make a point.

LWL

That was nicely put, but terribly harsh in it's implication - uncalled for.

I'm confident that Max want's to win AND has the necessary good sense to get there.

And I'd love to know where you see the big picture in this travesty.

 

[cien750hp]

That was nicely put, but terribly harsh in it's implication - uncalled for.

I'm confident that Max want's to win AND has the necessary good sense to get there.

And I'd love to know where you see the big picture in this travesty.

well, i for one see the big picture as he is paying for this ad completely with his own money, therefore he decides what should go in and has all final decisions, lay off man. llepard is a great guy, i mean really, who else has done something this big? let him do it how he wants