Dear Mr. President - I need a bailout (really)

[Sematary]

I know - it sounds ludicrous, but it's true. When my tenants were unable to pay their rent last winter, it made it so that I was unable to keep up with my bills because they weren't paying theirs. On top of that, I had to expend hundreds of dollars I didn't have in order to try and evict them. Needless to say, my credit rating took a hit as did the remainder of my liquid assets. So.......
I need a bailout. Now I realize your buddies on Wall Street are pretty important and that something needs to be done (*cough, not really), but they aren't the only ones who have problems. My wife and I work ridiculous amounts of hours and we came to the conclusion that we can't even afford to buy a fu**ing cup of coffee at Dunkin Donuts in the morning any more because it is too much of a strain on our budget. So please - Mr. President, and members of Congress, while you are busy ignoring your constituents and the constitution in your rush to drive us into a deeper recession for a longer period of time, I'd really like to ask for some help. I'm not as needy as your Wall Street friends - I only need about half a mil to pay off ALL of my debts including my two buildings, my credit cards, my cars and my loans at the bank. Once that is taken care of I will have plenty of cash to put in the bank so that the bank can once again use it to help ease the credit crunch. What do you say? I don't think it's too much to ask and it will help the economy (mine).

Signed,
A screwed over taxpayer

 

[micahnelson]

To: Henry Paulson, Ben Bernanke, Etc Etc Regarding the Prospect of Proactive Economic Stability:

Dear sirs,

It has come to my attention that the Federal Government, through the Treasury, has authorized the Federal Reserve to take actions that will insure the stability of the American economy. I fully support this measure. I believe that keeping markets fresh with funds is the best way to keep American businesses competitive.

It is in that spirit that I write this letter. For the past 15 years I have become something of an institution to the American economy. Through the Credit Line programs offered by Bank of America, Visa, Mastercard, and American Express- I have injected tens of thousands of dollars into the American economy through such high quality producers such as Best Buy, IKEA, Sears, Macy’s, Kay Jewelers, among countless others. My investments have been instrumental in the advancement of the stock prices- and therefore the 401ks and Mutual funds that now provide retirement security for millions of Americans. My actions, and the similar actions taken by millions of Americans, have helped create the greatest economy the world has ever known.

Among my many investments, I have added real estate to my portfolio. I purchased a home to act as both an investment an usable asset for the duration of my occupancy. I used loan services provided by institutions provided by Wall Street firms such as Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, Countrywide, etc. These services allowed me to purchase a home that, if I had to actually pay for it, I could never afford. These programs created the greatest boom of wealth in decades. As unamerican media outlets began to question the stability of such investments, the market encountered a slight correction. As wise members of the House Finance committee, the Federal Reserve, and the Treasury have rightly concluded- these investments must be protected.

As I understand it, Wall Street firms have been permitted to trade their bad investments at face value US Treasury Bonds. This is a wonderful program, and my interest in it has prompted me to write this message.

Just like these large firms, my ability to spend is vital to the American economy and I am “Too big to fail”. I would like to cash in my risky investments for Treasury Bonds. I will ship to you my SUV that has lost 40% of it’s value to be exchanged for face value in Bonds. My Electronics, DVD collection, and Fancy Clothes- investments that appeared sound at the time- I will also send to you in return for their full original value in Treasury Bonds. My house, which has lost half its value, will also have to be bailed out at full original market price. These are necessary steps to keep the economy alive.

Since Congress and the Fed have been so willing to assist Billion Dollar firms, I am sure they will jump at this opportunity to provide the same solution to another integral part of the economy. You see, it isn’t just the reckless investment firms, or the unaccountable fund managers that need bailing out. It is the spendthrift consumer that keeps injecting capital back into the system. Currently I am facing a liquidity crisis. The city is threatening to shut off my water if I do not pay the utility bill. How am I to provide economic stability under such circumstances? Thank you in advance for giving me the ability to continue helping the economy through wild spending, in the same way you have given banks the green light to continue helping the economy through wild lending.

Regards, The American Consumer

 

[cheapseats]

To: Henry Paulson, Ben Bernanke, Etc Etc Regarding the Prospect of Proactive Economic Stability:

Dear sirs,

It has come to my attention that the Federal Government, through the Treasury, has authorized the Federal Reserve to take actions that will insure the stability of the American economy. I fully support this measure. I believe that keeping markets fresh with funds is the best way to keep American businesses competitive.

It is in that spirit that I write this letter. For the past 15 years I have become something of an institution to the American economy. Through the Credit Line programs offered by Bank of America, Visa, Mastercard, and American Express- I have injected tens of thousands of dollars into the American economy through such high quality producers such as Best Buy, IKEA, Sears, Macy’s, Kay Jewelers, among countless others. My investments have been instrumental in the advancement of the stock prices- and therefore the 401ks and Mutual funds that now provide retirement security for millions of Americans. My actions, and the similar actions taken by millions of Americans, have helped create the greatest economy the world has ever known.

Among my many investments, I have added real estate to my portfolio. I purchased a home to act as both an investment an usable asset for the duration of my occupancy. I used loan services provided by institutions provided by Wall Street firms such as Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, Countrywide, etc. These services allowed me to purchase a home that, if I had to actually pay for it, I could never afford. These programs created the greatest boom of wealth in decades. As unamerican media outlets began to question the stability of such investments, the market encountered a slight correction. As wise members of the House Finance committee, the Federal Reserve, and the Treasury have rightly concluded- these investments must be protected.

As I understand it, Wall Street firms have been permitted to trade their bad investments at face value US Treasury Bonds. This is a wonderful program, and my interest in it has prompted me to write this message.

Just like these large firms, my ability to spend is vital to the American economy and I am “Too big to fail”. I would like to cash in my risky investments for Treasury Bonds. I will ship to you my SUV that has lost 40% of it’s value to be exchanged for face value in Bonds. My Electronics, DVD collection, and Fancy Clothes- investments that appeared sound at the time- I will also send to you in return for their full original value in Treasury Bonds. My house, which has lost half its value, will also have to be bailed out at full original market price. These are necessary steps to keep the economy alive.

Since Congress and the Fed have been so willing to assist Billion Dollar firms, I am sure they will jump at this opportunity to provide the same solution to another integral part of the economy. You see, it isn’t just the reckless investment firms, or the unaccountable fund managers that need bailing out. It is the spendthrift consumer that keeps injecting capital back into the system. Currently I am facing a liquidity crisis. The city is threatening to shut off my water if I do not pay the utility bill. How am I to provide economic stability under such circumstances? Thank you in advance for giving me the ability to continue helping the economy through wild spending, in the same way you have given banks the green light to continue helping the economy through wild lending.

Regards, The American Consumer

Brilliant.