# Lifestyles & Discussion > Open Discussion >  Post a Joke, Best Joke gets a +Rep!

## DamianTV

Just finish this line:

*"A guy walks into a bar..."*

I'll give whoever puts who I think has the funniest joke a +Rep!

(I just need some good new jokes, getting sick of recycling the same old crap)

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## pcosmar

Who put that there?

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## Bruno

I'll try to clean it up a little:  

A guy walks into a bar with a small box, sets it on the bar, and orders a drink.  The barfly at the end of the bar gets curious, walks up to him, and asks what's in the box.  

"This is the world's most amazing frog", he says.   

"What so amazing about it?" says the barfly.  

"This is the only frog in the world that can perform incredible oral sex on a woman."  

She slaps him across the face and walks back to her drink.  After a few more shots, curiosity get the best of her again.  

"Ok," she slurs, "if this frog can perform oral sex, prove it!"  

"All right, let's go back to my place", he says.  

She proceeds to take off all her clothes and lays down on the bed.  The man places the frog between her legs.  Nothing.  It just sits there. 

"Hey, is this frog going to do me, or what?!?", she demands.  

"I just don't get it", he says, as he moves the frog to the side of the bed.  

Pointing at the frog sternly, he says, "Alright, now pay attention, I'm going to show you just ONE MORE TIME!"

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## YumYum

"A guy walks into a bar..."

and ends up in rehab.

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## Wesker1982

Two old women are standing in an endless line-up to buy bread. One says to the other: What a terribly long line! The other replies: Yes, but just imagine  in the capitalist countries, the government doesnt even distribute the bread!

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## jmhudak17

A guy walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic, and it is destroying his family.

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## Kludge

> A guy walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic, and it is destroying his family.


Hold on - I can beat that.

A guy with a wife (who stays at home out of necessity) and five kids (all of who are handicapped) walks into a bar... but it's after 2am so he can't legally purchase any alcohol. After a half-hour of boredom, he leaves, only to be hit and killed on the road by a drunk driver.

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## Bruno

> Hold on - I can beat that.
> 
> A guy with a wife (who stays at home out of necessity) and five kids (all of who are handicapped) walks into a bar... but it's after 2am so he can't legally purchase any alcohol. After a half-hour of boredom, he leaves, only to be hit and killed on the road by a drunk driver *in a clown suit*..


fixed

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## pcosmar

> "A guy walks into a bar..."
> 
> and ends up in rehab.


Rehab is for quitters.

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## pcosmar

Why don't cannibals eat clowns ?


They taste funny

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## dannno

My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex..






















































I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

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## Bruno

lmao, good one!

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## Icymudpuppy

> My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex..
> 
> I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.


Contrary to what you may have seen on porn sites, real lesbians aren't attractive.  I get hired by lesbians ALL the time to solve their pest problems.  The best looking of them so far looked a bit like Susan B Anthony, which is to say that while they might have been attractive as teenagers, and while they have kept their figures, their bitterness at the world has turned their features harsh.

The cheerful lesbians are all fat and rather manly looking.

The lesbians in your porn shows are really hetero, who do girl on girl scenes for the money.  A few of them may be bi-curious, but they aren't full on lesbian.

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## Icymudpuppy

As god breathed life into Adam, Adam awoke, and God asked "Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"

Adam said, "Let's have the good news."

God replied, "I have seen fit to give you both a brain and a penis."

Adam was ecstatic, "WOW! That's GREAT news!  What could possibly be bad after that?"

God answered, "Unfortunately, you can only operate one at a time."

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## PeacePlan

What do you call an anorexic women with a yeast infection?





































Quarter Pounder with cheese...

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## dannno

> Contrary to what you may have seen on porn sites, real lesbians aren't attractive.  I get hired by lesbians ALL the time to solve their pest problems.  The best looking of them so far looked a bit like Susan B Anthony, which is to say that while they might have been attractive as teenagers, and while they have kept their figures, their bitterness at the world has turned their features harsh.
> 
> The cheerful lesbians are all fat and rather manly looking.
> 
> The lesbians in your porn shows are really hetero, who do girl on girl scenes for the money.  A few of them may be bi-curious, but they aren't full on lesbian.


Wow, you think my sole experience with girls who are attracted to each other is from porn sites?? I live in CA.. there are a lot of girls who are a lot more than bi-curious who are really hot.. it is harder to find really hot girls who are just straight lesbian, but there were quite a few at my college a few years ago.

In fact there is girl on girl action that occurs in my very house almost on a weekly basis.. both girls are bi and very attractive. But the point is a 'bi' girl can decide to date a lesbian or another 'bi' girl and effectively be my lesbian neighbors.

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## Deborah K

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a

conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said
" So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the
curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed
in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what?s the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners'
couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a

pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry
her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So,
it's nutsoff for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped !

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## Guitarzan

> In fact there is girl on girl action that occurs in my very house almost on a weekly basis.. both girls are bi and very attractive. But the point is a 'bi' girl can decide to date a lesbian or another 'bi' girl and effectively be my lesbian neighbors.


Best joke of thread thus far!

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## nayjevin

Why did the frog cross the road?






because he was stapled to the chicken.



--


Knock knock.

Who's there?

Smartburglars.

Smartburglars who?

Smartburglars dont knock.

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## Danke

A guy walks into a bar and sees some chimpanzees telling a joke:

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## Deborah K

> A guy walks into a bar and sees some chimpanzees telling a joke:


heheh cute!

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## Bruno

> *Contrary to what you may have seen on porn sites, real lesbians aren't attractive.*  I get hired by lesbians ALL the time to solve their pest problems.  The best looking of them so far looked a bit like Susan B Anthony, which is to say that while they might have been attractive as teenagers, and while they have kept their figures, their bitterness at the world has turned their features harsh.
> 
> The cheerful lesbians are all fat and rather manly looking.
> 
> .


Among the most ridiculous generalizations I've ever read here.  I've met many very attractive lesbians and bi-sexual women, none of them porn stars.  

You should have said, "I've only met unattractive lesbians.  Your results may vary."

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## Deborah K

C'mon guys - get off the lesbo-train derail!  I wanna read some jokes I can use.

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## Seraphim

You're one to talk with you're bestiallity smut...


JK, I laughed at the human-dog doggy style joke.


Hump hump hump.





> C'mon guys - get off the lesbo-train derail!  I wanna read some jokes I can use.

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## Bern

*The Aristocrats!*

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## Bruno

A Koala Bear walks into a bar...

..sits down and orders a drink.  A sexy, scantily clad woman walks up to him and says, "Hey, big fella, wanna date?"  

The Koala Bear shrugs his shoulders, says, "Sure!" and accompanies her back to a nearby hourly motel.

She take off all her clothes, and the Koala Bear proceeds to perform oral sex on her.  After about half an hour, he gets up, and starts to walk out the door.  

"Hey!! Where are you going?"  she screams.  

"I'm leaving," says the Koala Bear.  

"You can't just leave!  I'm a prostitute!" says the prostitute.  

"I don't understand," he says.  

She throws a dictionary at him.  "Look up _prostitute_ and read the definition to me."  

Thumbing through, he says, "Ok, _Prostitute_, a woman who gets paid for sex."  

"See!  She says. 

"Well, $#@! you, I'm a Koala Bear.  Look it up and read it back to me."  

"_Koala Bear_," she read, " a little furry animal that eats bush and leaves."

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## Deborah K

> You're one to talk with you're bestiallity smut...
> 
> 
> JK, I laughed at the human-dog doggy style joke.
> 
> 
> Hump hump hump.


  me has naughty sense of humor

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## Deborah K

> A Koala Bear walks into a bar...
> 
> ..sits down and orders a drink.  A sexy, scantily clad woman walks up to him and says, "Hey, big fella, wanna date?"  
> 
> The Koala Bear shrugs his shoulders, says, "Sure!" and accompanies her back to a nearby hourly motel.
> 
> She take off all her clothes, and the Koala Bear proceeds to perform oral sex on her.  After about half an hour, he gets up, and starts to walk out the door.  
> 
> "Hey!! Where are you going?"  she screams.  
> ...


  I'm sending that one to my Mom.

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## dannno

"I wish there was an infestation of Koala Bears.. it would be the cutest infestation ever!!" -R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg

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## Guitarzan

Donald Rumsfeld walks into a bar and sees George Bush sitting there. 

He sits down next to Bush, and tells Bush he has some unfortunate news...that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq that same morning. 

Bush immediately throws his head down into his arms and starts weeping uncontrollably...

Rumseld, knowing Bush to be a person that didn't show his emotions often, was dumbfounded by Bush's reaction, and asked why he was so shaken by this marginal news.

To which Bush looked up sobbing and asked, "Just how many is two brazilian?"

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## Deborah K

> donald rumsfeld walks into a bar and sees george bush sitting there. 
> 
> He sits down next to bush, and tells bush he has some unfortunate news...that 2 brazilian soldiers were killed in iraq that same morning. 
> 
> Bush immediately throws his head down into his arms and starts weeping uncontrollably...
> 
> Rumseld, knowing bush to be a person that didn't show his emotions often, was dumbfounded by bush's reaction, and asked why he was so shaken by this marginal news.
> 
> To which bush looked up sobbing and asked, "just how many is two brazilian?"


omg!!!   Lmao!

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## Bruehound

I just sent out my resume to some free market think tanks because I have always wanted an invisible hand job.

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## Bruno

> I'm sending that one to my Mom.


My mom loved that joke.

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## heavenlyboy34

*A  rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up  and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"*  A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender  says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"   * The Screwdriver  responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"* * Guy walks into a bar and sits at a  table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she  returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he  replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five  strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two  pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says,  "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had  in here yesterday..."*  A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a  hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting  everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns  to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot  everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks  up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats  shoots and leaves."! * A guy walks into a bar and asks  for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. The bartender  sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the  floor. He then takes the last one in the and does the same. The bartender asks  him, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, " Well the first shot always  tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"*
*A  priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a  brothel. They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the  brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says  the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into  the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such  temptation", says the pastor.
In a little bit, they see a priest enter the  brothel.
 "It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used  so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.*
*A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any  helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No,  we only have plain."*
* 
 A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are  sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman,  "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I  pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub  back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the  second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs  and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that  really happened to you?"

 "Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens  to me sister all the time!"*
* Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "So. Why the long face?"*
* A guy walks in.........ok, he  did not walk in, he was already there. One guy says, "I slept with my wife  before we were married, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know; what was  her maiden name?".* 
* A woman and a duck walk into a  bar.

 The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

 The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a  duck."

 He says, "I was talking to the duck."*
* So a guy walks into a bar,  looking really moody and orders immediately a double-whiskey. Then he starts  rambling on about how lousy a wife he's got, until the bartender finally says:  "You know, I don't understand what you're complaining about. All the other guys  in here only have compliments about your wife."* 
Skunk walks into a bar and he says, "Hey where did everybody go?"
E-flat  walks into a bar, The bartender says, sorry, we don't serve minors......
* A  potato walks into a bar and all eyes were on him!*
* A cowboy walked into a bar and  ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked,  "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."  "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.  "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt,  brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
 "Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they  hanging him for?"*
* 
 "Rustling," said the bartender.*
Two  guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions  have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the  Rotary Club."


How do you get a one-armed Pollack out of a tree? 

Wave at him

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## heavenlyboy34

OP-are politically incorrect jokes allowed in here?  I have more of those off my head than clean ones.

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## Dr.3D

Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.

One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."

The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."

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## Guitarzan

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper asks, "You have drink named Steve?"

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## Bruno

> Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.
> 
> One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."
> 
> The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."


I lol'd!

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## Deborah K

A seventy-five year old White guy, his hair was completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

The nurse says: "She had twins."

He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."

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## Dr.3D

> I lol'd!


Thanks. 

It's hard for some people to understand the dual meaning that joke has.

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## Deborah K

> Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.
> 
> One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."
> 
> The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."


heeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

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## YumYum

I used to be a Jehovah's witness, so I'll tell this one.

The Jehovah's witnesses headquarters is in Brooklyn, New York, and it is called The Watchtower and Bible Tract Society. 

Anyways, one of the brothers working at the Society's headquarters approaches another brother and says "I've good some incredibly good news and some bad news! What do you want to hear first?

"The good news", said the other brother.

"Your not going to believe this, but Jesus himself called the Watchtower headquarters!!"

"Oh!! That is absolutely fantastic!!", said the other brother. "So, what is the bad news?"

"He called from Salt Lake City."

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## dannno

> I used to be a Jehovah's witness, so I'll tell this one.
> 
> The Jehovah's witnesses headquarters is in Brooklyn, New York, and it is called The Watchtower and Bible Tract Society. 
> 
> Anyways, one of the brothers working at the Society's headquarters approaches another brother and says "I've good some incredibly good news and some bad news! What do you want to hear first?
> 
> "The good news", said the other brother.
> 
> "Your not going to believe this, but Jesus himself called the Watchtower headquarters!!"
> ...



SALT LAKE CITY?!?!

Get a rope.

That really chaps my hide.

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## Dreamofunity

Why are there so many beastiality jokes...

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## heavenlyboy34

Best joke of the thread-the waiter joke

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## Gaius1981

- Know knock.

- Who's there?

- A neoconservative

- A neoconservative wh.. *BOOOOM*

.......

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## nayjevin

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a sack of potatos?





jokes about michael jackson are tasteless

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## Fox McCloud

This is an economist's joke, so, if you guys don't get it, that's fine.

A plane crashes on route to an island---the only three survivors are an economist, physicist, and chemist--they all manage to make it to shore along with a number of large boxes of food.

Upon setting up a  shelter and fire, they open the crates only to find that all the food is in tin cans. Immediately they begin discussing and debating the proper way to open it. The physicist says "we hurl the cans down from a peak on the island approximately one-hundred foot tall; the  force of the blow, once it hits the ground, should break the cans open". The chemist protested that  it was an inferior and work intensive method, to which he stated "if we merely heat the cans to boiling point, it will generate enough steam to cause the cans to expand, and thus, rupture, allowing access to the contents inside."

After a few more minutes, the physicist and chemist pause, then one asks the economist "how would you open the tin cans?"

The economist thinks for a moment, then lifts a finger and says "Assume a can opener".

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## polomertz

A man lost in the countryside finds himself upon a farmhouse.  Inside he finds a family just sitting down for dinner.  The father welcomes the weary traveler to the table and says he can stay the night.  While eating the man notices a pig with a peg leg wandering the farm.  "What's with that pig with the peg leg?" the man asked.  The farmer replied, "oh that's one special pig... One day we fell through the ice on that pond over there and that little pig came running with ropes and a sled and got us all out of there." 
"but how'd he get that peg leg?" the man asked again.
"that pig is one helluva animal!" the farmer exclaimed, "my boy fell in the well and that pig pulled him right out, no problem!"
"the leg sir, what about the leg?". The farmer again went on about the pig, "one day the barn caught on fire and he came pulling buckets of water and put it out before losing any of our animals!". One last time the man asked, "so how'd he get that peg leg?"
To which the farmer replied, "oh, such a great pig like that, you just can't eat all at once."

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## Bman

Why do blondes have big belly buttons?






















Their boyfriends are stupid to!

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## Danke

> Why do blondes have big belly buttons?  Their boyfriends are stupid to!


Blonde jokes now?


Why do Blondes prefer cars with tilt-wheel steering?

More head room.

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## Dr.3D

> Why are there so many beastiality jokes...


I dunno, why are there so many bestiality jokes?   Waits for the punch line.

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## teacherone

Ala John Stewart

What's the difference between the New York Times and Barack Obama?


One's black and white and full of lies and the other's a news publication I've never read.

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## Acala

A guy walks into his lawyer's office and his lawyer says "Sit down Bill.  I've got good news and bad news.  Which do you want first?"

"Let's have the bad stuff first, Tom."

"Well, I have reviewed the contract and the complaint in this matter and my opinion is that you don't have any defense.  You are going to lose your business.  And, because you didn't incorporate like I told you to, you are also going to lose your home and all your savings."

Bill puts his face in his hands and burst out sobbing.  After a minute he suddenly looks up and says "Wait a minute . . . what's the good news?"

"Well" says the lawyer "did you see that new blonde receptionist out there?  I $#@!ed her last night"

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## Acala

A guy walks into his doctor's office and the doctor says "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Johnson, but you have cancer and alzheimer's disease."  Johnson looks distressed for a minute and then brightens up and says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

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## Acala

Why can't Smokey the Bear have children?

Because every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.

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## Acala

An old man totters into the pharmacy and wanders around for a while.  Finally the pharmacist says "can I help you?"

The old man says "I suppose you might.  Where do you keep the condoms?"

"On that end cap over there, sir"  And then, being a curious sort, the pharmacist says "Are those for your use sir?"

The old man says "well, I don't see how that is your business, but yes they are."

Now the pharmacist is really curious.  "If you don't mind me asking, sir, how old is your wife?"

"Who said she's my wife?"

"Pardon me.  How old is your girlfriend?"

"She's 78, same as me, Mr. Nosy."

Now the pharmacist is really perplexed.  "Well, sir, at her age there is no way she could conceive.  You don't need those."

The old man shoots back "Well I KNOW that ya durn fool!  She just likes the smell of burning rubber!"

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## Acala

A woman goes to see her lawyer.  After they were together in his office for a few minutes she says "Please kiss me!"

The lawyer says "You know I can't do that."

After a few more minutes the woman pleads more passionately "Oh, please kiss me!!!"

Again the lawyer says "I've told you a dozen times that I can't do that!"

A few more minutes pass and the woman says "Oh, why can't you kiss me?

The lawyer responds "I can't kiss you because it would be unethical.  I shouldn't even be having sex with you."

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## MN Patriot

> Why did the frog cross the road?
> 
> because he was stapled to the chicken.


A frog???    You totally screwed that one up. Better let a pro handle this one.

Why did the *punk rocker* cross the road?

Because he was stapled to a chicken. 

Another one I almost killed a guy with:
Why do dogs lick their balls?









Because they can.

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## emazur

I don't know if I'd call this a joke but it's the funniest damn thing I've read in a while:

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## heavenlyboy34

> A woman goes to see her lawyer.  After they were together in his office for a few minutes she says "Please kiss me!"
> 
> The lawyer says "You know I can't do that."
> 
> After a few more minutes the woman pleads more passionately "Oh, please kiss me!!!"
> 
> Again the lawyer says "I've told you a dozen times that I can't do that!"
> 
> A few more minutes pass and the woman says "Oh, why can't you kiss me?
> ...


lmao!  that's a great one.

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## heavenlyboy34

What do you call 3 Irishmen sitting on the front lawn?
Fertilizer.
How do you $#@! a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot
What do you call a fat girl with a yeast infection?
a Whopper with cheese.

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## Guitarzan

How do you know when a prostitute is full? 










Her nose is running.

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## Working Poor

> Two men were sitting on a park bench when a dog came over and starting licking it's self.
> 
> One of the men looked at the other and exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."
> 
> The other man responded, "Perhaps you should pet him first."


I heard the punch  line say: 


i DO TO BUT i DON'T THINK HE WOULD LET ME...

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## Dr.3D

> I heard the punch  line say: 
> 
> 
> i DO TO BUT i DON'T THINK HE WOULD LET ME...


I suppose that would work just as well, or perhaps even better. 

Something along the lines of:  "So do I, but I doubt he would let me."

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## Icymudpuppy

A Battalion commander (Lt Colonel) in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure?

The X.O. (Major) chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

The Logistics officer (captain) said it was 50-50.

The colonel's aide, (lieutenant) responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir," the enlisted man said, "if there was any work involved, you officers would have me doing it for you."

----------


## eduardo89

A recent survey suggested that over 90% of women kiss with their eyes closed

No wonder it's so hard to catch a rapist.




No matter how much you give a homeless person for coffee.... you never get that coffee.

----------


## DamianTV

> OP-are politically incorrect jokes allowed in here?  I have more of those off my head than clean ones.


Hell yea they are! 

(Im still reading thru all the jokes on here so havent picked a winner yet...)

----------


## Gaius1981

- What's the difference between a neoconservative and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

- How many public union activists does it take to paint a house? It depends on how hard you throw them.

- What gets louder as it gets smaller? A politician in a trash compactor.

----------


## DamianTV

> A Battalion commander (Lt Colonel) in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
> 
> He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure?
> 
> The X.O. (Major) chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
> 
> The Logistics officer (captain) said it was 50-50.
> 
> The colonel's aide, (lieutenant) responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
> ...


We have a Winner!  +REP

This is definitely my favorite!  Some damn good ones in there, even if they are just $#@!ed up!

---

A Marine General, an Air Force General, and a Navy Admiral are all arguing about which branch of the Military has the most Courage.

The Marine General proclaims that Marines definitely have the most courage because they are willing to die at any time for their country.  He calls over to the the nearest PFC and yells to him "You!  Private!  Shoot yourself in the head!"  The PFC responds immediately "Sir!  Yes Sir!  Right away Sir!" and proceeds to shoot himself in the head, and unsurprisingly dies instantly.  

The Marine General boasts "Now thats Courage!" to the other two high ranking officers standing there.

The Air Force General responds "Bah!  Thats nothing!  He didn't even feel it!  Watch this!" and calls to the nearest aircraft and orders the pilot to jump out without his parachute.  The Pilot responds immediately "Sir!  Yes Sir!  Right away Sir!" and jumps from his perfectly good aircraft and falls several thousand feet to his imminent death.  

The Air Force General gloats "Now thats Courage!".

The Admiral just shakes his head in disbelief, and says "Ok, watch this guys."  He calls down to the first Seaman Recruit he sees and shouts to him "You!  Seaman Recruit!  Go get me a cup of coffee!" and pauses, "Now!".  The two Generals look at each other with a puzzled look on their faces as the Seaman Recruit rudely responds to his Admiral "$#@! you!  Get your own $#@!ing coffee!  $#@!head!".  

The Admiral looks back to the two Generals with a glare in his eye and says "Now thats Courage!"

---

There is some good stuff in here.  Should we keep this thread going?

----------


## nayjevin

Chuck went to vegas with his family and while he was there he made a $100 sportsbet.  He won, but decided he'd been lucky.  Still he found a fascination with it.

So he decided he'd learn a little, and before he got done with the book he'd checked out at the library about it he was hooked.  It was all he could do to finish it before he rushed out to find a bookmaker.

Pretty soon he had a place to make bets, and so this time he placed two.  $100 each on two football games.  The book he had read had given him some tips on finding the edge in football, and he'd watched quite a bit of the game himself, so he thought that'd be a good place for his money.

Well Sunday came around, and once the games were done he had lost both bets.  So he was out the $100 he'd won in Vegas, plus a hundred more dollars.  Dejected, Chuck thought and he thought about what he was going to do.  Finally he thought, 'In Vegas I got lucky, and here I got a little unlucky.  But before I put down any more money, I'm really gonna figure out this sportsbetting stuff.'

So he went back to the library and checked out a few more books.  He learned about statistics, off-nights, and home field advantages.  And then he watched games, this time basketball.  It was his favorite sport, and one he thought he could learn all about.  For a whole basketball season, he watched every game he could.  And then, just when the time looked right, he placed his bets.  They were sure fire he thought - 4 bets of $100 each on 4 different games.  But when the games came around, he'd lost all four bets, and was now out $500.

This time Chuck was upset.  He knew he'd gotten very unlucky, and was determined as ever to get his money back.  This time he'd choose his ace in the hole - baseball - a game he'd played himself.  He knew it inside and out already - but this time it wasn't enough.  Without rest, Chuck studied the game like a religion.  He taped and rewatched them all.  He barely ate, he barely slept.  He made charts, built computer programs to calculate probabilities, studied statistics, and more.  And then finally, he knew he was ready - so he placed 8 bets of $100 each on 8 different games.

He had been so consumed and so was now so emotionally invested that he couldn't watch the games himself.  But the day after his final bet was over, his bookie called him.

'Chuck, I've got bad news.  You lost all your bets and you owe me $1300.'

'Damn,' Chuck said.  'I was so sure of those bets!  I'm the unluckiest guy in the world.  Give me one more bet, double or nothing.  Put it all on one more baseball game - tonight.  If I lose, I pay you tomorrow.'

'There's no baseball tonight.  And besides, you lost 8 baseball bets, you really wanna bet baseball?'

'Alright basketball,' Chuck replied.

'No basketball either.  And besides, you lost 4 basketball bets.  You really wanna bet basketball?'

'Alright make it a football bet then,' Chuck said.

'It's wednesday, there's no football.  And besides, you lost the football bet.  You really wanna bet football?'

'Fine.'  Chuck said, 'What else you got?'

'Well, there's 3 hockey games you can bet on.'

'HOCKEY?' said Chuck, exasperated: 'WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW ABOUT HOCKEY?'

----------


## bunklocoempire

Why do mothers have ugly children?

















Why don't you go ask your mother.


What do you tell a tramp with two black eyes?






















Nothing, you already told her twice.


Bunkloco

----------


## heavenlyboy34

how do you get a one-armed pollack out of a tree?
Wave at him
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce!
Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
Someone dropped a quarter
What happens when a jew with an erection walks into a wall?
he breaks his nose

----------


## DamianTV

Ok, well since it looks like some people wanna keep the thread going, I'll give another +REP in a couple of days, starting this set from post #69 by Gaius1981 (just to be fair to him since I didnt read his before I picked a winner) and just continue on from there.

---

How do you catch a Unique Wabbit?  Unique up on it!  (unique = 'you neek', like 'you sneak' but without the 's', the way a young child would pronounce it)

How do you catch a Tame Wabbit?  Tame way!

----------


## pcosmar

What do you call a Deer with no eyes?














No ideer.


What do you call a deer with on eyes and no legs?








Still no ideer.

What do you call a dog with no legs?














Doesn't matter, It won't come when you call it anyway.

What do you call a cow with no legs?









Ground Beef.

----------


## driller80545

Why do women have two sets of lips?
So that they can piss and moan at the same time!

----------


## heavenlyboy34

So, a blonde housewife is feeling extremely depressed and angry about her life in general.  Her husband tells her that he's been cheating on her.  She gets out her gun and points it at her own head.  Her husband says, "no, don't do it!", and the blonde says, "Shut up!  You're next!" :collins:

----------


## heavenlyboy34

> Why do women have two sets of lips?
> So that they can piss and moan at the same time!


lolz...reminds me of a similar one-why do women have two holes?  So that when they're drunk you can carry them like a six-pack.

----------


## Dr.3D

Okay, guess I upset some Marines.  LOL
It's an old Navy tradition.......

A Marine and a Sailor walk into the head together.   The Sailor unbuttons the 13 buttons on  his fly and relieves himself.   The Marine having a zipper on his fly is already finished relieving himself and is washing his hands.   The Sailor having buttoned up his fly begins walking toward the restroom door, when the Marine says; "Hey Swabby, in boot camp they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak."     The Sailor replies; "In boot camp, they taught us not to piss on our hands."

----------


## pacelli

I'm not good at jokes, but every time I think about the headline, "*Trump wins republican nomination for 2012*", I just laugh myself silly.

----------


## DamianTV

Good $#@! guys!  Keep em comin!

----------


## fatjohn

- So a guy comes into a bar ...

- Oh wait it was a giraffe!

- So a guy comes into a giraffe ...

----------


## Dr.3D

A bum is sitting in an English pub when a gentleman enters.  The bum asks the gentleman if he would buy him a drink but instead the gentleman tells him he will buy him a drink if he will listen to a little story.   The bum agrees and the gentleman tells his story. 

"An equestrian, a cyclist and a pedestrian were traveling down the road when from the other direction a young lady approaches.    With which of the three was she acquainted?"

The bum thinks about this for quite some time and finally the gentleman says, "The answer is quite simple, the horseman knew her."

The bum laughed and laugh while drinking his drink.  The gentleman leaves the pub and another man enters.   The bum walks up to him and says; "I'll tell you a story if you'll buy me a drink."   The man agrees and the bum tells his story.   

"A man on a horse, another on a bicycle and one on foot are going down the road and from the other direction a woman approaches.   Which of the three coming toward her did she know?"

The man thinks for a few seconds and the bum starts laughing, "Ha ha ha, you'll never guess, the answer's horse $#@!."

----------


## heavenlyboy34

A father wants to keep his son from sleeping around with women.  So, he tells his son, "they have teeth down there, son".  The thought of the scares the daylights out of the boy, and he remains abstinent till he meets his wife.  On the wedding night, the fellow's wife gets naked in their bed and summons him to her.  "oh no!," he says, "you have teeth down there!"  His wife laughs and invites him to inspect down there.  After a thorough investigation, the fellow says, "you don't have any teeth, but your gums are in terrible condition!"

----------


## Guitarzan

Take my wife...please. 


She gives great headache.

----------


## Theocrat

One day, Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What's wrong, Adam?"

"I don't have anyone to talk to, God," Adam replied.

So God said, "I'm going to give you a companion, and she will be called a 'Woman.' This Woman will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "How much would this Woman cost me?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

So Adam asked, "Um...what can I get for just a rib?"

And the rest is history.

----------


## Dr.3D

The Nuns at a convent went to town to buy supplies.   On their way back, their automobile ran out of fuel and they had to walk down the road a quarter mile to a gasoline station to get more.   When they got there, they were told, all there was to contain the gasoline for the trip back to the automobile was an old bedpan.

The nuns after transporting the bedpan full of gasoline back to their automobile were carefully pouring it's contents into the fuel tank when a Priest and a Rabbi, sharing a ride back to the hotel from a conference, saw them.   

The Priest looked over at the Rabbi and said; "Don't you wish your people had faith like that?"

----------


## Theocrat

A priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "I'd sure like to screw him."

The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

----------


## Liberty4life

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

----------


## heavenlyboy34

> a priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "i'd sure like to screw him."
> 
> the rabbi replies, "out of what?"


hahahaha!!! Lmfao!!

----------


## Original_Intent

What do you call a legless water skier?
Skip.
What do you call him when he lets go of the tow rope?
Bob.
What do you call a legless and armless door to door salesman?
Mat.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene.
A Japanes woman with only one leg?
Irene.
What do you call a man with no car?
A taxi.

----------


## nayjevin

What did the Shepherd say when he heard his sheep were targeted for redistribution?

'Let's get the flock out of here.'



What's the difference between a politician and a dirty diaper?

None.  They both need changed when they're full of $#@!.

----------


## TCE

"Today before sex with my girlfriend, I spoke Parseltongue to her vagina because I had to prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry."

----------


## heavenlyboy34

> What do you call a legless water skier?
> Skip.
> What do you call him when he lets go of the tow rope?
> Bob.
> What do you call a legless and armless door to door salesman?
> Mat.
> What do you call a woman with one leg?
> Ilene.
> A Japanes woman with only one leg?
> ...


 In that vein, what do you call a man with no legs?
Neil.

----------


## Bruno

> In that vein, what do you call a man with no legs?
> Neil.


And his wife with no legs?  

Eileen.

----------


## KCIndy

An oldie, but I can't help but chuckle each time I read it: 





The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,'  says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and used them to 'bite' his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


...

----------


## Jim Casey

What do you call an airplane that never goes anywhere?

A boring 747.

----------


## heavenlyboy34

> And his wife with no legs?  
> 
> Eileen.


Original_Intent already wrote that in the post above mine, sorry. ~shrugs~

----------


## DamianTV

> A priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "I'd sure like to screw him."
> 
> The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"


+Rep!  I have beer in my nose after that one!!!

---

My bad joke...




> I recall my first time with a condom.  I was 16.  I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy.  In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for. 
> 
> She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.  She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.  
> 
> I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' 
> 
> So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.  She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure I apparently still looked confused.  
> 
> So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.  It was.  'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it.  Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.  She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.  'Do these excite you?' She asked.
> ...

----------


## Bman

> A priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "I'd sure like to screw him."
> 
> The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"


I got flamed a few months back for saying that very joke on the board.

----------


## DamianTV

Well, its not up to the admins on this thread.  Well, within reason, but it made me laugh so it got the +rep this round.

So, uh, Round 3?

----------


## Bman

While visiting England, Obama is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. 

Obama asks how she knows if they're intelligent. 

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." 

Obama watches as the Queen phones David Cameron and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" 

David Cameron responds, "It's me." 

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Obama?" 

Obama nods: "Yes. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" 

Obama, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Vice President to the test. Obama summons Joe Biden to the White House and says, "Joe, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." 

"Why, of course. What's on your mind?" 

Obama poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" 

Biden hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" 

Obama agrees, and Biden leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of the senior Democrat senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Biden calls Hillary Clinton at the State Department and explains his problem. 

"Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" 

Hillary answers immediately, "It's me, of course." 

Much relieved, Biden rushes back to the White House, finds Obama, and exclaims, "I know the answer! I know who it is! It's Hillary Clinton!" 

And Obama replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb $#@!, it's David Cameron!"

----------


## specsaregood

Why do so many tree-hugging hippies play the didgeridoo?

--Because it is the closest they can get to actually blowing a tree.

----------


## Anti Federalist

On a small plane, making an over the ocean trip, are a Mexican, a Texan and a Frenchman. 

Sudden mechanical failure forces the plane's occupants to frantically throw out everything they can, to lighten the load.

Still too heavy, the plane continues to lose altitude.

With a dash of gallantry, the Frenchman steps toward the open door, shouts "Vive la' France!!!" and jumps out of the plane.

Stunned, and wondering what do to do next, as the plane is still losing altitude, the Texan bravely steps up to the open door.

Shouting fearlessly into the wind, he hollers at the top of lungs, "Remember the Alamo!!!!"....























...and chucks out the Mexican.

----------


## Anti Federalist

Picture the scene...

A suburban back yard, with the police leading a man away in handcuffs, obviously the owner of the home, who has a compound bow and a quiver of arrows on his back.

Lying face down, in a pool of blood, is a woman in a dress, obviously the man's wife.

Sticking out of her back are a number of arrows.

As he is led away, the cops ask, "why did you kill her?"

The husband replies, "Well, I found out it works just like acupuncture....






















...now that pain in my ass is gone!"

----------


## eduardo89

> A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
> 
> The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
> 
> "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
> 
> The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
> 
> Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
> ...






> A priest and a rabbi were eating dinner together at a restaurant. All of a sudden, the priest sees a young boy bending over to pick up some money. The priest says, "I'd sure like to screw him."
> 
> The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"


+1 to both of you

----------


## heavenlyboy34

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?'' 

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!'' 

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.'' 

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' 

''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. 

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

----------


## RiseAgainst

How do you top a car?








You tep on the brakes.

----------


## kill the banks

What You Get For 20 Bucks



Bill Clinton is out on his morning jog when he sees a hooker. As he 
passses her, he yells "20 bucks!" 
"No way," she answers. 
The following morning Bill is jogging with Hillary. As they pass the 
same hooker on the street she says, "See what you get for 20 bucks?"

----------


## Ben Bernanke



----------


## kill the banks

dumb blonde joke:

'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.

----------


## heavenlyboy34

> dumb blonde joke:
> 
> 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.


I think that one was told earlier in the thread, but still funny. 

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

----------


## heavenlyboy34

A bunch more:
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday. 

Q. How do you confuse a blonde? 
A. You can't, they have always been like that. 

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? 
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. 

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make? 
A. A wind tunnel. 

Q. How do you confuse a blonde? 
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner. 

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish? 
A. She drowns it. 

Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat? 
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. 

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex? 
A. She opens the car door. 

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? 
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!! 

Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them. 

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

----------


## ryanmkeisling

> Wow, you think my sole experience with girls who are attracted to each other is from porn sites?? I live in CA.. there are a lot of girls who are a lot more than bi-curious who are really hot.. it is harder to find really hot girls who are just straight lesbian, but there were quite a few at my college a few years ago.
> 
> In fact there is girl on girl action that occurs in my very house almost on a weekly basis.. both girls are bi and very attractive. But the point is a 'bi' girl can decide to date a lesbian or another 'bi' girl and effectively be my lesbian neighbors.


I lived with some girls in Boston who were like this, they let me play too.  I worked a chef job 90 hrs a week, between that, the coke and those girls, I slept 4 hours in a whole year.  To be in yer 20's....

Here's a joke I herd back in that time...

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?














getting her back in the wheelchair.

----------


## DamianTV

> There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?'' 
> 
> ''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!'' 
> 
> The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.'' 
> 
> To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' 
> 
> ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. 
> ...


Winner!  (picked due to Liberty Orientation, and Cops are Dicks!)

Been about a year, but I guess this is Round 5?

Ok, on to the next set of terribly horrible jokes!

----------


## Working Poor

What is the Brunette mating call?

Have all the blondes left yet?

----------


## CasualApathy

A vote for Newt is a vote for the people!

----------


## fisharmor

> The economist thinks for a moment, then lifts a finger and says "Assume a can opener".


A  mathemetician, a physicist, and an engineer are all locked in prison  cells with water and 30 cans of food, with  no can opener.
A month later, the guards check on the  mathemetician.  He's used the cans as a primitive abacus and figured out  pi to 1000 places... and is stone dead.
They check on the physicist,  and he's figured out the exact trajectory to throw the cans at the wall  and pop them open, and is well fed and alive.

They check on the engineer, and he's gone.




> What's the difference between the New York Times and Barack Obama?
> One's black and white and full of lies and the other's a news publication I've never read.


What's the difference between Simba from the Lion King, and Barack Obama?
One's an African Lion, and the other's a lyin' African.


What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
_Nobody_ eats parsley.

What's the difference between refrigerators and women?
Refrigerators don't fart when you pull the meat out.

What's the difference between looking for your lost golf ball, and Lady Godiva?
Looking for your golf ball is a_ hunt_ on a_ course._

What's the difference between a hooker with diarrhea and an epileptic oyster shucker?
The epileptic oyster shucker _shucks_ between _fits_.

An Irish girl comes home from college and says "Ma, I got me a case o' VD."
Her mother replies "Put it in the cellar, yer father'll drink anything."

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two.  The trick is getting them in there.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hung on his dick.
The bartender asks "What's with the wheel on your dick?"
"Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

A man walks in a bar and orders a drink.  Before he can drink it, a tiny man jumps out of his pocket and kicks his drink over.
He orders another, and the tiny man kicks it over again.
Bartender: "What's going on here?"
"Well, years ago I found a magic lamp and was granted one wish.  So I wished for a 12 inch prick."

----------


## Napolitanic Wars

A blond walks into a bar and the bartender says "I heard your pregnant. Congradulations!"
The blond says "Thanks, but I'm not sure I'm the mother."

----------


## specsaregood

//

----------


## Todd

Since there have been some good military jokes..here's another:


Army Retirement

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body. 

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my balls."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeant Major's penis and began to work back.

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your balls?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied... .........."Vietnam."

----------


## heavenlyboy34

IDR if I posted this one, but here goes:  What happens when a jew with an erection walks into a wall?  He breaks his nose.

----------


## Johnny Appleseed

blind man walks into bar swinging a dog over his head bartender says "what gives?" dude says "just looking around"

Greece fires are the hardest to put out....

----------


## Napolitanic Wars

A priest a rapist and a pedophile walks into a bar...

That was the first guy.

----------


## Drex

They announced the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, and tomorrow the winning dog gets to ride on the roof of Mitt Romney’s car.” –David Letterman

----------


## Miss Annie

Ok, I will take a crack at this..... 

A man was having a talk with God.  He asked, "God, why did you make women so beautiful"?  
God replied, "I did that so that you would like them".  
The man then asked God, "God, why did you make women so curvy"?  
God replied, "I did that so that you would like them".  
The man then asked God, "Well God, why did you make them so dang dumb"? 
God replied, "I did that so they would like you".   ......

----------


## thoughtomator

So the Republican Party walks into a Santorum nomination...

----------


## heavenlyboy34

How do you get a Polish girl pregnant?  Cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest.  How do you $#@! a fat girl?  Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

----------


## heavenlyboy34

So, a rabbi is ready to retire.  He has a huge jar full of foreskins, and decides to take it to a craftsman to see if he can make something useful out of it.  The craftsman takes the jar and says "I'll work on it and have something for you in the morning".  The rabbi comes back in the morning, and the craftsman hands the rabbi a wallet.  "That's it?," says the rabbi, "there was hundreds of foreskins in that jar!"  The craftsman says "when you rub it, it turns into a briefcase".

----------


## Edward

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

----------


## Mckarnin

> One day, Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What's wrong, Adam?"
> 
> "I don't have anyone to talk to, God," Adam replied.
> 
> So God said, "I'm going to give you a companion, and she will be called a 'Woman.' This Woman will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
> 
> Adam asked God, "How much would this Woman cost me?"
> 
> God said, "An arm and a leg."
> ...

----------


## Time for Change

I cant believe this is not here yet...

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar.....
The bartender asks, 

"What will it be, Mr. President?"

----------


## MsDoodahs

Didn't read the thread, so my apologies if this one is already listed...this was one of my late uncle's favorite jokes.


A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.  As he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. 

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper replied, "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms."

The trooper asks, "Why do they call them circle flies?"

"Well," said the farmer, "they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. 

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?" 

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer.  I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horses back end."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "*Hard to fool them flies, though*."

----------


## Bruehound

I sent my resume to all the free market think tanks because I have always wanted an invisible hand job.

----------


## Danke

A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

----------


## Schifference

what is better than roses on a piano? 

2 lips on an organ

----------


## Working Poor

A man decided he wanted a vasectomy so we went to a doctor and the after examining him doctor told him he would be called when there was an opening. About a week later the doctor called and told him to come in. when the man arrived he was greeted by the mot beautiful woman he had ever seen and she told him to follow her. he did and when they arrived he told him to take off his clothe and to put on the gown provided. he id a he was told and when he ha the gown on the woman told him to lay down on the table. The woman then took off her clothes an got on top of him and proceeded to give him the best sex he had ever had in his life! He asked what he had done to deserve such treatment and the woman said that it had been discovered that the operation went better if the man ejaculated right before the procedure. After dressing the woman  got him up on his feet and took him to another room that as full of men  jacking off. The man asked why they were doing that and why was she not taking care of them as well she replied oh because you have Blue Cross/Blue Shield and the other guys have Obamacare.









c

----------


## heavenlyboy34

How do you get a one-armed Pollack out of a tree? Wave at him.
What do you call 3 Irishmen sitting on a lawn?  Fertilizer.

----------


## heavenlyboy34

what has six legs and shouts "ho de do! ho de do! ho de do!"?  3 blacks running for the elevator.  
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?
Got me, but it can sure pick lettuce!

----------


## Danke

Sex - Harley Davidson

A man is in a position to buy a Harley Davidson, and after much consideration opts for a very nice model. The salesman is very pleased and offers the man a few words of advice. He tells him to always carry a jar of Vaseline in his pocket and if he knows it is going to rain to smear the Vaseline all over the bodywork of the bike in order to prevent rust. The man drives his Harley off and is most pleased.

A few weeks later the man and his girlfriend drive the Harley to her parents house where the man is to meet them for the first time.

The girlfriend tells the man that they have a rule in her house that the first person who speaks after dinner has to wash the dishes. 

He walks in and sees that every room is stacked to the ceiling with dirty dishes. He thinks to himself that the stakes are pretty high at this point. His girlfriend leads him into the dining room, careful to not step on the dishes, where her parents are waiting silently.

They have a lovely meal and afterwards there is nothing but silence from all around the table. This silence goes on for about an hour and the man decides that he has to do something to make someone break the silence, so he grabs his girlfriend and kisses her passionately, still no one says a word. He then decides that he's going to have sex with her right there on the dining room table. Again no one says a word. Getting very frustrated at the continued silence he decides to have sex with the mother on the table, nobody says anything. 

Just as he finishes with the mother, he sees rain clouds gathering outside.

He runs over to his pants and grabs the tube of vaseline and the father says, "All right, all right, I'll do the damn dishes!!"

----------


## vechorik

Al and Hal decided to go camping in the wilderness for two weeks. After about the 6th day, they got bored.
They decided they would split up. Al would hike north. Hal would hike south. They would meed that night at camp and discuss their day.

At the campfire that night, Al talked about his day. He hiked north, found a beautiful stream with deer drinking and nibbling grass along the banks of the stream. He sat there for hours admiring the beauty and the sounds of water splashing over the rocks. He said he felt invigorated after his day in the sunshine, admiring nature.

Hal, who hiked south, said he walked what seemed like miles and miles. Finally, he came upon a railroad track. Tied to it, he found a young woman with the most beautiful figure he had ever seen. He gently untied her, laid her in the soft grass and they made love for hours in every way imaginable.

"Gosh!" said Al. "Your day sounds a hundred times better than my day. Did she give you a blow job?"

"Nah" said Hal. "I couldn't find her head."

----------


## Danke

> Al and Hal decided to go camping in the wilderness for two weeks. After about the 6th day, they got bored.
> They decided they would split up. Al would hike north. Hal would hike south. They would meed that night at camp and discuss their day.
> 
> At the campfire that night, Al talked about his day. He hiked north, found a beautiful stream with deer drinking and nibbling grass along the banks of the stream. He sat there for hours admiring the beauty and the sounds of water splashing over the rocks. He said he felt invigorated after his day in the sunshine, admiring nature.
> 
> Hal, who hiked south, said he walked what seemed like miles and miles. Finally, he came upon a railroad track. Tied to it, he found a young woman with the most beautiful figure he had ever seen. He gently untied her, laid her in the soft grass and they made love for hours in every way imaginable.
> 
> "Gosh!" said Al. "Your day sounds a hundred times better than my day. Did she give you a blow job?"
> 
> "Nah" said Hal. "I couldn't find her head."


Reminds me of one of my favorite songs:


*DEAD WHORE* 

(Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)

I $#@!ed a dead whore by the roadside,
I knew right away she was dead,
The skin was all gone from her tummy,
The hair was all gone from her head.

Dead whore, dead whore,
I knew right away she was dead, was dead.
Dead whore, dead whore,
I knew right away she was dead.

And as I lay down there beside her,
I knew right away I had sinned,
So I put my lips to her sweet pussy,
And sucked out the load I shot in.

Sucked out, sucked out,
I sucked out the load I shot in, shot in,
Sucked out, sucked out,
I sucked out the load I shot in.

----------


## nayjevin

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shock_v...value_as_humor




> The term *off-color humor* (also known as *dirty jokes*) is an Americanism used to describe jokes, prose, poems, black comedy, blue comedy and skits that deal with topics considered to be in poor taste or overly vulgar by the prevailing morality of a culture. Most commonly labeled as "off-color" are acts concerned with a particular ethnic group or gender. Other off-color topics include violence, particularly domestic abuse; excessive swearing or profanity; "toilet humor"; national superiority or inferiority; "dead baby" jokes; and other topics generally considered impolite or indecent.  Generally, the intent of off-color humor is to induce laughter by  evoking a feeling of shock and surprise in the comedian's audience. In  this way, off-color humor is related to other forms of postmodern humor, such as the anti-joke. In the 1990s and modern era, comedians such as George Carlin and Dave Chappelle use shocking content to draw attention to their criticism of social issues, especially censorship and the socioeconomic divide. The highly-praised television show _South Park_ also popularized the use of offensive humor, for which the show has become infamous. The Aristocrats  is perhaps the most famous dirty joke in the US due to its high shock  value and is certainly one of the best-known and most oft-repeated among  comedians themselves.


Presence of wiki definition does not equate to legitimacy.

I believe shock humor to be the calling card of an opportunist.  Provoking reactions on the fringes of social acceptance leads to increasing extreme methods.  Jokes which allow comfortable laughter and positive warmth are superior to those which force discomfort and nervousness.

George Carlin and Dave Chappelle are not good examples of shock humor, IMO.  South Park is, but is in no way limited to that method.  Bill Hicks, also employed shock humor, but never or rarely on subjects where he is objectively wrong: the uncomfortable points he made were often scathing comments on a society not ready for the truth.  This should be distinguished from 'dead baby' humor and other forms of jokes which draw legitimacy to acts that are clearly morally wrong.

----------


## J-Reg

> Donald Rumsfeld walks into a bar and sees George Bush sitting there. 
> 
> He sits down next to Bush, and tells Bush he has some unfortunate news...that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq that same morning. 
> 
> Bush immediately throws his head down into his arms and starts weeping uncontrollably...
> 
> Rumseld, knowing Bush to be a person that didn't show his emotions often, was dumbfounded by Bush's reaction, and asked why he was so shaken by this marginal news.
> 
> To which Bush looked up sobbing and asked, "Just how many is two brazilian?"


 OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEST JOKE EVAAAAAAA!!!

----------


## heavenlyboy34

The current banking crisis explained

I bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

I replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
I said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

I said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

I said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with me and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'

I said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

I said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

I have now been offered a job with the Royal Bank of Scotland.

----------


## opal

another dinosaur thread to resurect!!


_You:_ hi
_Stranger:_ hi
_You:_ name?
_Stranger:_ chun wu, at your service
_You:_ alexander goldberg
_Stranger:_ sup
_You:_ u kno… i never forgave u koreans for attacking pearl harbour
_Stranger:_ uhh?... im chinese… and that was the japanese who attacked it
_You:_ chinese, japanese, korean … whats the difference
_Stranger:_ …….
_Stranger:_ u serious?
_You:_ yeah
_Stranger:_ ……
_Stranger:_ u kno i never forgave u jews for sinking the titanic
_You:_ that was an icegerg
_Stranger:_ goldberg, greenberg, iceberg.  whats the difference!

----------


## RockEnds

I have a good friend whose property line is also the Iowa/Missouri line.  According to him, he was out checking his traps one day when he came across a coyote with his leg trapped tight.  He wasn't sure if it was a Missouri coyote from his brother's place or an Iowa coyote from his own farm.  So he called the Missouri DNR to come up and have a look.  The guy checked out the coyote and the trap, and scratched his head.  The trap was right on the line, and there was just no way to know where the animal had come from.  My friend, not being satisfied with that answer, called the Iowa DNR.  The guy came down, took one look at the coyote and the trap, and without much thought at all, proclaimed it to be a Missouri coyote.  So my friends says, "How can you tell?  The trap's right on the line."  The Iowa DNR guy says, "Oh, that's easy.  The coyote chewed off three legs.  The only leg left is the one in the trap."

----------


## nayjevin

Did you hear about the new Nuclear Defense Technology?

We're going to put signs up at the border that say 'Nuke Safe Zone.'

----------


## heavenlyboy34

Damn, talk about a necro-bump!

----------


## CaptUSA

Ok, here you go...

An Japanese man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 20,000 yen. He receives $720 in American currency. 

After spending a week in New York, he only spent half of his money so he goes back to the exchange to change his money back into yen.  This time, he gives the clerk his $360 in American currency expecting to get 10,000 yen back, but he only gets 8,500 yen back. He doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when I give you half of last week?" 

The clerk replies, "Sorry, fluctuations." 

As he prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "No!  Fluck you Americans!"

----------


## opal

what's a fish say when it swims into a stone wall?




.





.





.




.



dam

----------


## phill4paul

It's not really a traditional joke. I have a friend that "goofs" people. At parties, on nice properties, he will get attention and then look around and comment on how clean the owners keep their property. How nice it is. He will then throw his empty Coors Light can over in some bushes. Those of us that know him realize it is a goof and that he will collect them later. You should see and hear the reactions of those not in on it. Lol.

----------


## 2young2vote

I poured spot remover on my dog.


Now he's gone.

----------


## nayjevin

> I poured spot remover on my dog.
> 
> 
> Now he's gone.




"I've been listening to subliminal message tapes for people who tape the weather report while on vacation."

"Sometimes when I'm bored I like to run a slinky down the up escalator."

"I bought used paint... it's in the shape of a house.  Then I went to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."

"This morning when I woke up, everything I own had been stolen... and replaced with exact duplicates."

----------


## Natural Citizen

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really             hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured             him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a             bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here,             I'll show you what I mean."

            Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver,             "Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home, " said Cheney.

            Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney             then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess             I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please."

            The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over             and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you             go! Don't worry about their opinions!"

            Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and             whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of             a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called             instead!


A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a             beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few             sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the             biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the             bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few             minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared             on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a             customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over             to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said,             climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope,"             the bartender replied. "Horse country!"


George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get             the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I             have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your             brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

            Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought             everybody had two sides to their brain?"

            The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is             very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right,             while on the right side there isn't anything left."


When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of             heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.             Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted             into paradise.

            And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're             Picasso?"

            Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was             convinced and let him in.

            When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the             gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter             said.

            Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

            St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and             Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're             George W. Bush?"

            Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

            St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."


 (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday             destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of             his books have been lost.

            Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was             devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.


Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were             set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill             Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before             the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad             fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the             confusion. 

            Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was             reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before             the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell             apart and Al slipped over the wall.

            The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was             thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a             disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the             blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were             raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled,             "Fire!"


Before the inauguration, George W. was invited             to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. 

            After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President             Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to             see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

            That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.             "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own             personal gold urinal!"

            Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White             House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his             discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the             President had a gold urinal.

            That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary             turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your             saxophone."


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to       tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She       says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how       she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right       questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

      She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this       question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this       child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds       ,"It's me, ma'am."

      "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and       says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

      "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

      Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of       the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms       to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a       question for me."

      "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

      "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child       is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

      Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back       to you?"

      Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other       senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several       hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,       Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

      "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a       child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

      Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

      Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know       the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

      And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb $#@!, it's Tony Blair!"


Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to             discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to             take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked             Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the             waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the             quiche."


In a Veteran's Day speech, President Bush vowed, 'We       will finish the mission. Period.' Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't       have to read the punctuation marks.


George W. Bush and his driver were going to             Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road             suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He             went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a             beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God,             what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm             George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."


As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses." Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass." Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


Bush and Powell are slaving in the hot sun digging a hole while Rice is sitting under a tree drinking iced tea. Bush says to Powell, "hey, how come we're out here sweating and she's over there relaxing"? Powell shrugs and says "I dunno George why don't you go ask  her." Bush climbs out of the hole he's been digging and wanders over to Rice and says "Me and Colin want to know why we're workin' our butts off and you're relaxing under this tree". "Well George", Rice says, "it's like this."

"You ever heard of a thing called Smarts"? "Smarts", George says, "what's that"? Rice says, "Here I'll show you how it works". "Now I'll hold my hand up in front of this tree and you punch it as hard as you can, okay?" Bush sensing a great ooportunity eagerly agrees. He gathers all of his strength and punches with all of his might but Rice moves her hand just in time for George to bust his on the tree. "Now you understand how Smarts works George" Rice asks.

"Gheeez", Bush replies, "that's pretty neat". Swelling with confidence Bush goes back to his hole and tells Powell, "hey, this is neat, the reason we're working is because of a thing called Smarts". "Smarts"' Powell says. "What's that." Bush replies, "now I'll hold my hand up in front of my face and you...


Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."

----------


## Dary

//bad taste

----------


## bolil

USDOJ...

not all jokes are funny.

----------


## mrsat_98

A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?
" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that' s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That' s really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That' s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...has any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor took off his glasses and said, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asked, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"Ahmed replied, "$#@!, from way back there I thought you said 'goats!'"

----------


## acptulsa

The guy who owns Congress is anti-establishment.

And the guy who has been paying Congress to screw us over is the populist we should trust to fix the problem.

Pretty funny, huh?

----------


## trey4sports

What's difference between me and my couch?  














My couch pulls out

----------


## Sola_Fide

Donald Trump 2016

----------


## Lucille

LOL  Sola_Fide wins the thread.

----------


## JK/SEA

what did the grape say when it got stepped on?..


didn't say anything, just gave out a little wine.

----------


## Suzanimal

How are Martinis like breasts?














Three's too many and one's not enough.

----------


## acptulsa

> The guy who owns Congress is anti-establishment.
> 
> And the guy who has been paying Congress to screw us over is the populist we should trust to fix the problem.
> 
> Pretty funny, huh?





> Donald Trump 2016





> LOL  Sola_Fide wins the thread.


What?

How does _he_ win for giving away the punch line to _my_ joke?

----------


## Sola_Fide

> What?
> 
> How does _he_ win for giving away the punch line to _my_ joke?


It's best not to take the internet too seriously

----------


## acptulsa

> It's best not to take the internet too seriously


With God as my witness, that's the best advice I ever saw you offer someone.

Done!  Thanks.

----------


## Lucille

> What?
> 
> How does _he_ win for giving away the punch line to _my_ joke?


LOL  I didn't read it that way and you know I love ya, but as a stand-alone joke "Donald Trump 2016" wins.  Brevity is the soul of wit!

----------


## acptulsa

> Brevity is the soul of wit!


That's as may be.  But we should also remember that the longer someone waits to laugh last, the louder he is when he finally laughs best.

Especially at this point of the campaign.

----------


## opal

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?






















.
.
.
.
.









Nobody's sure but there are some great big holes all over Australia

----------


## acptulsa

Gotta rep fisharmor for this one:




> I wish I ran into this two weeks ago

----------


## Working Poor

What I want to know is if a man says or does something and there is no woman around to hear or see him,
is he still wrong?

----------


## francisco

> Donald Trump 2016





> LOL  Sola_Fide wins the thread.


No, it's not funny. At all.

----------


## TheTexan

Gary Johnson

----------


## Suzanimal

What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?


















One slip of the tongue and you're in deep $#@!.

----------


## tommyrp12

Where do you find a dog with no legs?


















Right where you left him.

----------


## juleswin

What's the difference between your wages and your penis? 






























I can find lots of women who will blow your wages.

----------


## acptulsa

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.







Says, 'This stuff goes right through me.'




> I eat parsley all the time.   Chopped with a bit of olive oil, salt and red pepper makes a great topping to throw on an already hot pizza.   Mixes well with many red-sauced pastas at serving time.    Chock full of vitamin K, loaded to the gills with it.


I don't get it.

----------


## juleswin

A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat

----------


## TheTexan

> A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Says, 'This stuff goes right through me.'


-rep

----------


## Danke

Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Texas? 







A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA

----------


## Natural Citizen

> Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Texas? 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA


Ah crap. That was funny. You dumb ass. I wasn't even expecting it. But it was the first thing I saw when I clicked on the thread.

Seems like I must spread some rep around first, though. Or so says the bot.

----------


## Ronin Truth

*Q:* What kind of wood doesn't float?











*A:* Natalie.

----------


## Suzanimal

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 










Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

----------


## mrsat_98



----------


## Danke

> How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> 
> Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.


What is the difference between a woman and a light bulb?





You don't need a coat hanger to unscrew a light bulb.

----------


## Suzanimal

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? 












She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

----------


## Anti Federalist



----------


## Anti Federalist



----------


## Anti Federalist



----------


## Anti Federalist



----------


## Danke

Q: What do a Marine and a submarine have in common? 














A: A sailor will go down on either one!

----------


## Suzanimal

A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends. "What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Mercedes." "Why both?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Mercedes when she returns the ring." And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?" And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go $#@! herself."

----------


## acptulsa

> Would you support Trump if he picks Rand Paul as VP?
> 
> Just curious...


..

----------


## erowe1

A doctor says to his patient, "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but you only have 5 minutes to live."

The patient asks, "Is there anything I can do?"

The doctor says, "Well, I guess you can boil an egg."

----------


## francisco

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

 It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

 When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

 The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

 The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

 Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 

 The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" 

 The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

 The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell

 him."

 Guido trembles and signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

 The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"  



The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

----------


## erowe1

This chick told me she was pregnant and that's why she had been gaining so much weight. I said, "You've been pregnant for 5 years?"

----------


## Theocrat

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar together. The bartender sees them and asks, "What is this? A joke?"

----------


## acptulsa

A hermit who had always been a good and kind man, but had never belonged to any organized religion, died and went to heaven.  St. Peter said, 'We're awfully glad to have you here, but I'm in a quandary.  I'm not sure where you would best fit in.  Let's try with the Judaic sects, the Jews and Christians and Muslims, the people who recognize the names Job and Moses and Abraham, and let you see what you think.'

So the man stayed there a time, and St. Peter came to check on him.  'I love it here,' said the hermit, 'but I don't really feel like I fit in.  I don't want to offend anyone.  Maybe I should try another group.'

So St. Peter put him in with the Buddhists and Hindus and the Eastern sects.  And after a time, he came to check on the hermit.  'It's wonderful here,' he said.  'I have no complaints at all.  But I feel maybe I don't fit in even as well as with the other group.  Did you say there was a third group?  Perhaps I should try that?'

St. Peter hemmed and hawed, and prevaricated a bit, and finally said, 'We can try it if you want.  But you must be very scrupulous to go along with the crowd.  You must work very hard to fit in and not make waves.  And you must never, never, ever tell about the things you've seen so far.  I need your solemn vow about this!

'You see,' said the saint, 'the third group is the Baptists, and they think they're the only ones up here.'

----------


## Suzanimal

How are martini's like breasts?











One is not enough but three is too many.

----------


## francisco

> How are martini's like breasts?
> 
> 
> ...One is not enough but three is too many.


There's no such thing as too many breasts, as long as they come in pairs

----------


## Danke

> How are martini's like breasts?
> 
> 
> One is not enough but three is too many.


 My mom never breast-fed me. She told me she just wanted to be friends.

----------


## satchelmcqueen

any of these should qualify as it took $#@!ing guts to get up there vs typing them lol

----------


## susano

> Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a
> 
> conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said
> " So why are you here ? "
> 
> The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the
> curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed
> in the middle of my owner's bed."
> 
> ...



OMG, I lol'd all the way through that.

----------


## susano

> Donald Rumsfeld walks into a bar and sees George Bush sitting there. 
> 
> He sits down next to Bush, and tells Bush he has some unfortunate news...that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq that same morning. 
> 
> Bush immediately throws his head down into his arms and starts weeping uncontrollably...
> 
> Rumseld, knowing Bush to be a person that didn't show his emotions often, was dumbfounded by Bush's reaction, and asked why he was so shaken by this marginal news.
> 
> To which Bush looked up sobbing and asked, "Just how many is two brazilian?"



Hahaha!

Fits the Bush I knew and hated.

----------


## Icymudpuppy

I used to be into Sadistic Necrophilic Bestiality, until I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

----------


## Dary

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon and says that she wants breast reduction surgery.

The Doc has her disrobe and after examining her he says, "Are you sure?  You've got the nicest breasts I've ever seen, and I've been in the business a long time.

The woman says Yes that she is sure, that she has been thinking about it for a while now and that is what she wants.

So the Doc says OK, but first he will have to numb them.

The woman says OK, do what you have to.

The Doc grabs both her tits, shoves his head between them and shakes his head from side to side...

Num, num, num, num, num.

----------


## Danke

Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?







A: Crust

----------


## tod evans

> Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A: Crust


Cheese.

----------


## Danke

> Cheese.



Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?






A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

----------


## tod evans

> Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

----------


## Danke

> 


Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?







A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

----------


## Theocrat

I was writing down a joke with my pencil, when, suddenly, the tip broke. Then I realized there was no point to it.

----------


## Danke

> I was writing down a joke with my pencil, when, suddenly, the tip broke. Then I realized there was no point to it.


Q: What is the ultimate rejection?





A: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

----------


## Theocrat

> Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep.


Danke, I heard you got fired from a calendar factory for taking a day off.

----------


## tod evans

> Danke, I heard you got fired from a calendar factory for taking a day off.


I heard it was for coming in too early.......

----------


## Danke

> I heard it was for coming in too early.......


Some people thought it was premature.  But it was from often using the back door and not punching in.

----------


## Suzanimal

> Cheese.


mushrooms

----------


## CCTelander

So, this guy slides up to a bar and says, "Bartender, line me up 9 shots."

Bartender looks across and asks, "What's the occasion?"

Guy says, "Well, I've just had my first blow job."

The Bartender reaches across the bar, claps the guy on the shoulder and says, "Congratulatons! Have a tenth shot on the house to celebrate."



















The guy replies, "Thanks anyway, but if the first nine don't get that taste out of my mouth, I doubt another will make a difference."

----------


## Danke

> So, this guy slides up to a bar and says, "Bartender, line me up 9 shots."
> 
> Bartender looks across and asks, "What's the occasion?"
> 
> Guy says, "Well, I've just had my first blow job."
> 
> The Bartender reaches across the bar, claps the guy on the shoulder and says, "Congratulatons! Have a tenth shot on the house to celebrate."
> 
> 
> ...

----------


## Schifference

Clinton will be the best president we have ever had!

----------


## pcosmar

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?











,,,








A Synonym roll.

----------


## NorthCarolinaLiberty

The following conversation took place after a recently deceased Pakistani man knocked on the gates of Heaven for about 5 minutes.

St. Peter: May I help you? 
Pakistani man: Im here for Jesus.
St. Peter: Jesus, your taxis here!! 

----------


## Suzanimal

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?












Full

----------


## fedupinmo

A Bank Robbery

Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. 
There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's 
tainted.

The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much 
better but again - no money.

The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.

"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to 
the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and 
nutritious this time.

A couple of minutes later in comes John.

"It is definitely a bank!"

"What exactly did the sign say?"

"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!"

----------


## Occam's Banana

I like dead baby jokes.


Q: How do you make a dead baby float?

* *




A: Get a glass of root beer and add two scoops of dead baby.



Q: How do you unload a truck full of dead babies?

* *




A: With a pitchfork.




Yeah, I'm goin' to hell ...

----------


## Natural Citizen

> What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...


eeeeyew. That's just nasty.

----------


## Suzanimal

> I like dead baby jokes.
> 
> 
> Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
> 
> * *
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Those jokes never get old.

----------


## Danke

> eeeeyew. That's just nasty.


If you don't like any nasty on RPFs, just but her on ignore.

----------


## Suzanimal

> If you don't like any nasty on RPFs, just but her on ignore.

----------


## timosman

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber




> A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
> The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
> The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
> On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
> John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation.
> After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

----------


## tod evans

Food in the 50's from my Ma;




Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname.

A take-away was a mathematical problem.

Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All chips were plain.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. 

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.

The three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties...were elbows, hats and cell phones!

----------


## Suzanimal

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

----------


## heavenlyboy34

Old gags from the 2009 vintage...

Blonde Logic
> 
> Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking 
> and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther 
> away, Melbourne or the moon?"
> 
> The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
> You see Melbourne ...?????"
> __________________________________________________  __
> 
> Car Trouble
> 
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. 
> She tells the mechanic it died.
> 
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 
> She says, "What's the story?"
> 
> He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
> 
> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
> __________________________________________________  __
> 
> Speeding Ticket
> 
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her 
> very nicely if he could see her license.
> 
> She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your 
> act together. Just yesterday you take away my license 
> and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
> __________________________________________________  __
>  
> River Walk
> 
> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river 
> and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 
> "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
> "How can I get to the other side?"
> 
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river 
> and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
> __________________________________________________  __
> 
> At The Doctor's Office
> 
> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office 
> and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
> 
> "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
> 
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast 
> and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed 
> even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; 
> likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. 
> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
> 
> The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
> 
> "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
> 
> "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken".
> __________________________________________________  __
> 
> Blonde On The Sun
> 
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. 
> The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" 
>  
> The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
> 
> The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first 
> on the Sun!"
> 
> 
> The Russian and the American looked at each other 
> and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! 
> You'll burn up!" said The Russian.
> 
> To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. 
> We're going at night!"
> __________________________________________________  _______
>  
> In A Vacuum
> 
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
> She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. 
> Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls 
> your name, can you hear it?"
> 
> She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
> __________________________________________________  _
> 
> Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes !!
> 
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired 
> two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. 
> The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex 
> and one was named Timex.
> 
> Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming 
> dogs like that?"
> 
> "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. 
> "They're watch dogs!"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask 
over is mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, 
surgical procedure. 

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath Nurse', 
he mumbles, from behind the mask. 

'Are my testicles black?' 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here 
to wash your upper body 

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' 
Concerned that he may split his sutures from worry about his testicles, 
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. 

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in 
the other, lifting and moving them around. 
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, 
Sir !!' 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very 

closely...... 


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

----------


## Suzanimal

My son told me a joke today...

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?







He had no_body_ to go with.

----------


## Suzanimal

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?









Kkkkkkkkktttt
she needs to work on her gag reflex

----------


## opal

Lunch With The Pope 

  President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega  yacht.  The Pope accepted; and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the  Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.


 It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down, and it  just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling  to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never  mind, boys, I'll get it."


 The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the  water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into  the yacht and handed the Pope his hat.


 The crew was speechless.  The security team and the Pope's  entourage were speechless.  No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.




 But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

----------


## DamianTV

Wow!  This thread is still alive?  Well, might as well keep it going?  :P

----------


## fatjohn

> Wow!  This thread is still alive?  Well, might as well keep it going?  :P


Yeah, I just made myself laugh with a joke I wrote 6 years ago. Oh the power of the internet...

----------


## jllundqu

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

HellifIKnow...

----------


## jllundqu

THought this would be appropriate given the times we are in:

----------


## fisharmor

What do you call alternative energy sources that have been proven cost effective?



Energy sources.

----------


## timosman

What is the difference between ass-kissing and brown-nosing?

Depth perception.

----------


## DamianTV

> What is the difference between ass-kissing and brown-nosing?
> 
> Depth perception.



* *




Nice way to cleverly hide the answer by changing the text color!

----------


## tod evans

Son just gave birth to another government employee and wiped with policy...

----------


## JK/SEA

Hillary Clinton thought she was going to win...

she didn't.

-insert canned laughter here-

----------


## mtr1979

A millennial, a fake news reporter, and a SJW walk into a bar.  What does the bartender say to them?  Get the f#@k out!

----------


## Iowa

One day an elderly couple was out for an afternoon drive had to and stopped for gas. 

 Attendant: " Would you like me to check the oil?" Wife: "What did he say?" Husband: "He wants to know if I want the oil checked."

  Attendant: "Would you like me to top up the washer fluid?" Wife: "What did he say?" Husband: "He wants to know if I want the fluids topped up."

  When the attendant heard them talking, he asked, "By the way, where are you from?"  The husband replied, "We are from New York."  "Oh," said the attendant. "Years ago I was in New york and had the worst love affair ever."

  The wife said, "What did he say?" Husband: "He thinks he knows you."

----------


## shakey1

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' 
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President. 
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. 
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. 
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. 
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. 
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' 
The father says, 'good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' 
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep $#@!.

----------


## Schifference

Hillary Clinton indicted.

----------


## opal

*A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?”*
*"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old man.*
*The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”*
*As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.*
*A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.*
*Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.*
*Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.*
*Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.*
*Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.*
*The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.*
*"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"*
*"No sir," said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”*

----------


## shakey1

Stock Market Alert

 Normally I avoid discussing any advice received from our broker, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another market crash.
 Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
 American Can
 Interstate Water
 National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company
 Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American  Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.  You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

 It's a tough market out there.  Be careful.

----------


## tod evans

*Why did God make women 30% smarter than cows?*













_So when you play with their tits they don't $#@! on the floor._

----------


## William Tell



----------


## Occam's Banana

> [...] "I would have gotten out today." Then the fight started!!


  Fixed.  Joke Telling 101: Never step on the punch line.  /joke-nazi

----------


## Schifference

Why did the girl want to dance with the mushroom? He was a fungi!

----------


## specsaregood

> Why did the girl want to dance with the mushroom? He was a fungi!


Why are dogs bad dancers?    _They have two left feet._

----------


## Original_Intent

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Good evening, Mitt."

----------


## Anti Globalist

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew.

----------


## Schifference

I am a person of color that is entitled to housing and food. Tomorrow I will wake up early and work hard all day long.

----------


## wizardwatson

*Joker:  Why did the chicken cross the road?*
Jokee:  Why?
*Joker: To get to the ugly person's house.
Joker:  Knock knock...*
Jokee:  Who's there?
*Joker: The chicken.*

----------


## Anti Globalist

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi.

----------


## Danke

A LESSON: DON’T TEXT UNLESS IT’S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY

“Hi Fred, this is Richard next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself any longer without you knowing this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife without you knowing about this. In fact, much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard.” Neighbor’s response: Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He looked down at his phone and discovered a second text from Richard. “Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured if out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife”. Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all!”

----------


## Sonny Tufts

A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankees fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army. While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death!

With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "Its my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping".

The Cubs fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so after some thought he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.

The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "OK please tie two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankees fan crying like a baby.

The Red Sox fan was the last up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have two wishes".

The Red Sox fan replied, "My first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes". "You are very brave," said the Sheik. "100 lashes so be it. And your second wish?"

"Tie the Yankees fan to my back."

----------


## Danke

An old sailor from New Hampshire walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old sailor sighs and tells him, "My ship hit an iceberg and a mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the sailor, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."


Next up, an Injun, and African  joke followed by a slut joke.

----------


## Danke



----------


## Suzanimal

A German is on holiday in the US, getting wasted at a bar. He walks outside and starts taking a leak on the side of the building. An American woman walks by, looks at what he's doing, and says "Ugh, gross."

The German man looks up, smiles, and says "Danke"

----------


## Danke

> A German is on holiday in the US, getting wasted at a bar. He walks outside and starts taking a leak on the side of the building. An American woman walks by, looks at what he's doing, and says "Ugh, gross."
> 
> The German man looks up, smiles, and says "Danke"


*DamianTV owes ya a +rep for that one.*


When I was living in Germany, I heard that a lot.  No HB, it  wasn't at  gay bars.

----------


## Danke

A loose Georgia woman  walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits to hide her third nipple.Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

----------


## Suzanimal

> A loose Georgia woman  walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits to hide her third nipple.Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
> The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
> "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."


At first, I thought I could relate to this woman but then I got to the part about not shaving to hide the third nipple and ya lost me. I shave and I'm proud of my third nipple. 

-rep

----------


## tod evans

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely..

                So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

                Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.




God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.



He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.'

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you !

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'



Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'


'An arm and a leg.'



Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib ?'

----------


## shakey1

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

----------


## tod evans

A kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog. He goes to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The man at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts $100 bill on the counter and the man replies, ok what do you want? The kid says, I want to have sex with the girl here that has the most STD's I can get. We don't have women like that here sorry buddy. The kid then puts another $100 bill on the table. Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left. The kid comes out of the room after awhile and as he's walking out the front door the man stops him. Hey kid, why in the world would you do that? You basically just killed yourself. The kid looks up at him and says, I'm going to go home and $#@! my babysitter. My parents are going to come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will $#@! the babysitter. My dad will come home and he will $#@! my mom. My dad will leave for work in the morning and the mail man will come and my mom will $#@! the mail man and that's the mother $#@!er who ran over my frog.

----------


## Jan2017

my guess is that some sleuth here on RPF already knows or could at least guess this -  but anyways . . .

*How did Bill Gates come up with the name for Microsoft* ?
(Hint : joke is common in colleges from sororities to engineering students (I think) LOL


 answer in 5 . . .4 . . . 3 . . .2 . . . (weeks days hours minutes)


(Edit in ans. )
_ He looked between his legs._

----------


## Anti Globalist

Obama was a great president.

----------


## Suzanimal

My son told me this one...

How does a crazy person get through the forest?


* *




They take the psycho path.

----------


## timosman

> My son told me this one...
> 
> How does a crazy person get through the forest life?


ftfy?

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why do cows have no feet?

Because they lack toes.

----------


## tod evans

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas
somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though..."

----------


## shakey1

*Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?* 

*Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of  Switzerland* 

*Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.  He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.* *The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.* 

*As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'* 

*'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'* 

*The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn**.* 

*About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.* 

*The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed  straight to bed.* 

*The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and  continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.* 

*When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'* 

*'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house  looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.* 

*The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'* 

*The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his  hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'*

----------


## Dr.3D

The next day after taking her grandchildren to the drive in movies, a woman pulled into a filling station where an attendant wearing a hearing aid approached her.

He asked her what she wanted and she replied;  "*Fill it up and do you have a rest room.*"

Seeing popcorn all over the back seat, the attendant said, "*Just pull it over to the air tower and I'll blow it out for ya.*"

----------


## tod evans

An Arab,  a Mexican and a Georgia girl are   in Olde Towne Tavern in Lawrenceville

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass  to pieces...
 He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces...
  He says, 'In the Arab World we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The cool Georgia girl, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
 Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Georgia we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

----------


## Anti Globalist

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

----------


## Jan2017

(Repeat) because it is what I feel now on UNIX/FortranIV WATFIV  "internets" . . .

How did Bill Gates come up with the name for his new company . . . 'microsoft' (?)

----------


## Jan2017

> Obama was a great president.


LOL




> (Repeat) because it is what I feel now on UNIX/FortranIV WATFIV "internets" . . .
> 
> How did Bill Gates come up with the name for his new company . . . 'microsoft' (?)


He looked between his legs.

----------


## Anti Globalist

My friend David lost his ID.

Now we just call him Dav.

----------


## Danke

> LOL
> 
> 
> 
> He looked between his legs.


His chair was small and soft?

----------


## Schifference

John McCain was a great American Hero!

----------


## Anti Globalist

And Mitt Romney was the reincarnation of Thomas Jefferson.

----------


## Jamesiv1

Guess what.

Chickenbutt.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

----------


## DamianTV

> Guess what.
> 
> Chickenbutt.


So, whats up?  A chickens butt when it eats!  
(think about it...)

----------


## Danke

What's the difference between *Batman* and a *Injun  man*? 
*
Batman* can go to the store without *robin*

----------


## Danke

Sorry if posted before in this thread.

----------


## AZJoe



----------


## AZJoe



----------


## Anti Globalist

What did the deer say when he left the gay bar?

"I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there."

----------


## Working Poor

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Confucius say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.

Confucius say: Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

Confucius say: Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is "Negligent"

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was out standing in this field.

----------


## tod evans

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
__________________

----------


## heavenlyboy34

> *DamianTV owes ya a +rep for that one.*
> 
> 
> When I was living in Germany, I heard that a lot.  No HB, it  wasn't at  gay bars.

----------


## Anti Globalist

How does a crazy person walk through a forest?

He takes the psychopath.

----------


## tod evans

The good old days are slowing slipping away from us...


THE NEW ANT and the Grasshopper, Two Versions:


The ANT 
AND THE 
GRASSHOPPER   

This one is a little different.... 
Two Different Versions ... 
Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION

The ant works 
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper 
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm 
and well fed.

The grasshopper has 
no food or shelter, so he 
dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:   

Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN 
VERSION

The ant works hard 
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house 
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant 
is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper 
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be 
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving..

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN,   
and ABC show up to 
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper 
next to a video of the ant 
in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. 
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.


How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper 
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears 
on Oprah 
with the grasshopper 
and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green ...'

Occupy the Anthill stages
a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the
Black Lives Matter group singing, We shall overcome.

Then Reverend Al Sharpton  
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper 
while he damns the ants. He later appears on MSNBC to complain that rich people do not care.

Former President Obama condemns the ant 
and blames 
Donald Trump, President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the 
Pope 
for the grasshopper's 
plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer   
exclaim in an interview on The View 
that the ant has 
gotten rich off the back of the 
grasshopper , 
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts 
the Economic Equity & 
Anti-Grasshopper Act 
retroactive to the beginning of 
the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number 
of green bugs and, 
having; nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar 
and given to the grasshopper .


The story ends as we see the grasshopper 
and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, 
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken 
over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses 
bringing the rest 
of the free world with it.


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote in 2018.

----------


## Swordsmyth

The Trix Rabbit, Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun were all found dead this week after having been drowned face down in oversized bowls of milk.


Police believe a cereal killer is responsible and have asked the public to exercise extreme caution.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

----------


## Schifference

> The Trix Rabbit, Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun were all found dead this week after having been drowned face down in oversized bowls of milk.
> 
> 
> Police believe a cereal killer is responsible and have asked the public to exercise extreme caution.


I thought Clinton to blame prior to punchline.

----------


## Todd

My favorite:


A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. 
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. 
The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned.

Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. 
As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. 
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. 
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. 

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. 
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. 
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "I guess yours is raisin, too?" 

"No," stammers the old man: "but it's a quiverin'!"

----------


## Swordsmyth

> I thought Clinton to blame prior to punchline.


Perhaps you are right about the cereal killer's identity?

----------


## Anti Globalist

A horse walks into the bar.  The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

----------


## CCTelander

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on a highway outside Washington D.C. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have taken the entire US Congess hostage and are demanding a $100 million dollar ransom. If they don't get it they intend to douse them all with gasoline and light them on fire. We're going from car to car asking for donations."

"How much is everyone giving on average?"

"Roughly a gallon."

----------


## Anti Globalist

How do you organize a party in space?

You planet.

----------


## Danke

An anarchist and a self identified Libertarian walk into RFPs pretending not to be a leftist.

----------


## Swordsmyth

> An anarchist and a self identified Libertarian walk into RFPs pretending not to be a leftist.


And then they tell everyone that the way to change things is to not vote without starting a revolution.

----------


## fedupinmo

Centuries ago, the pope decreed that Jews in Italy had to convert or  leave. There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope  offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the  Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope  won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people  picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as  the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed  that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.

Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.

The  pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He  responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one  God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head  to show him that God ruled from Heaven above. He responded by pointing to the  ground to remind me that the Devil also has a dominion below. I pulled out the  wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled  out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every  move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.

"I  haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he said to me that we had  three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells  me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him  that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

----------


## fedupinmo

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married 
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a 
trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they  were 
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in  the 
lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the  
closet  to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're 
married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own $#@!ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted. 

_The End_

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why did Timmy cross the road?

To suck dick for crack.

----------


## AZJoe



----------


## Anti Globalist

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

----------


## AZJoe



----------


## Anti Globalist

What kind of concert costs 50 cents?

50 cent plus Nickelback.

----------


## tod evans

Subject: First year veterinary student

First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor. 

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body.

" For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. 

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. 

Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

----------


## AZJoe



----------


## specsaregood

> What kind of concert costs 50 cents?
> 
> 50 cent plus Nickelback.


uhm, shouldn't that be:  _"What kind of concert costs 45 cents?"_

----------


## Suzanimal

Irish Prostitute

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

----------


## DamianTV

> uhm, shouldn't that be:  _"What kind of concert costs 45 cents?"_


New Maths.
 @Suzanimal - I owe you a +Rep!

----------


## tfurrh

There are three types of people in this world: Those that can count, and those that can't count.

----------


## TheTexan

A guy walks into a bar

and sues the building for leaving a bar out in the open like that

----------


## Danke

> A guy walks into a bar
> 
> and sues the building for leaving a bar out in the open like that


On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends. He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped." A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape. When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!

----------


## Suzanimal

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

----------


## Anti Globalist

How many dead babies can you fit in a bathtub?

27.

----------


## Danke

> How many dead babies can you fit in a bathtub?
> 
> 27.


You have a small tub.

----------


## Anti Globalist

I like my coffee how I like my women.

Without a penis.

----------


## Anti Globalist

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartenders asks "Why the long face?"  The horse does not respond because it is a horse.  It can neither speak nor understand english.  It is confused by its surroundings as it gallops out of the bar.

----------


## Anti Federalist

> A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married 
> to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a 
> trans-continental train.
> 
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they  were 
> both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in  the 
> lower.
> 
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 
> ...


A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. 

However, if she is post menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Where did Susie go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

----------


## Suzanimal

Anti Globalist wins this thread. 

I love his jokes. 

_You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Anti Globalist again.
_

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why did the old lady put roller skates on her rocking chair?

Because she had Dementia.

----------


## fedupinmo

> There are three types of people in this world: Those that can count, and those that can't count.




There are two types of people in this world: Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

----------


## Anti Globalist

How does Moses drink his tea?

Hebrews it.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

----------


## Occam's Banana

> What do you do with a dead chemist?
> 
> Barium.


Before or after you molybdenum?

----------


## Anti Globalist

What do you call someone who has one arm, one leg, and an eyepatch?

Names.

----------


## Suzanimal

It tried to tell my friend the dead baby in a bathtub joke but she wouldn't hear it and then I tried to tell her some baby in a blender jokes and she didn't want to hear those, either. Then I tried to tell her a man with no arms and no legs joke and she said I needed help. WTF? What kind of person doesn't like man with no arms and no legs jokes? 

What do you call a _men_ with no arms and no legs on your window? Curt-n-Rod

----------


## shakey1

> It tried to tell my friend the dead baby in a bathtub joke but she wouldn't hear it and then I tried to tell her some baby in a blender jokes and she didn't want to hear those, either. Then I tried to tell her a man with no arms and no legs joke and she said I needed help. WTF? What kind of person doesn't like man with no arms and no legs jokes? 
> 
> What do you call a _men_ with no arms and no legs on your window? Curt-n-Rod






> What do you call a _men_ with no arms and no legs


third base.

----------


## Anti Globalist

If you split 300 pounds of rice with 30 people in Africa what does each have?

Aids.

----------


## AZJoe



----------


## Dr.3D

> 


Looks like she has found an interesting place to put her napkin.

Maybe she thinks that will keep the spaghetti sauce out of her hair.

----------


## AZJoe



----------


## AZJoe

When they ask for an ipad -

----------


## AZJoe



----------


## Anti Globalist

Whats white on top and black on the bottom?

Society.

----------


## Suzanimal

> Whats white on top and black on the bottom?
> 
> Society.


I'm not sure what to make of this joke. The first time I read it, I was like  but I kept coming back and rereading it and, for some reason, it got funnier and funnier until I was laughing and snorting. Maybe it's my flu brain but another +rep for AG. Laughter is the best medicine, after all.

----------


## Anti Globalist

> I'm not sure what to make of this joke. The first time I read it, I was like  but I kept coming back and rereading it and, for some reason, it got funnier and funnier until I was laughing and snorting. Maybe it's my flu brain but another +rep for AG. Laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Well its been said that laughter can increase your overall lifespan.  Don't know exactly how true that is but if thats the case you can personally thank me for adding a couple more years to your life.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why did the boy cover himself with gift wrap?

His mom told him to live in the present.

----------


## Occam's Banana

> Well its been said that laughter can increase your overall lifespan.  Don't know exactly how true that is but if thats the case you can personally thank me for adding a couple more years to your life.





> Why did the boy cover himself with gift wrap?
> 
> His mom told him to live in the present.


You owe me at least a year for that one ...

----------


## Dr.3D

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice?






Polaroides

----------


## Suzanimal

> Well its been said that laughter can increase your overall lifespan.  Don't know exactly how true that is but if thats the case you can personally thank me for adding a couple more years to your life.


I suspect your jokes are just cancelling out my poor lifestyle choices. 




> Why did the boy cover himself with gift wrap?
> 
> His mom told him to live in the present.


This one's just okay. I generally prefer my jokes to be complete nonsense. I think my favorite is the dead babies in the bathtub joke. I tried telling it to my friend and she wouldn't even let me get to the punchline. She doesn't like dead baby jokes. I might have to reevaluate our friendship. 

Another thing I love is saying idioms all wrong and mispronouncing words on purpose. Try it, you should see the looks people give you. Back when I was dating, I used to do it to poor men who asked me out on dates. It used to crack me up that no one ever corrected me, lol. I remember poor Mr A taking me out for "I-talian" food and saying "par-me-see-n". Poor man was biting his lip trying not to smile. The trick is to be very serious when you say it and you can't slip up and say the right way or you'll ruin it.

----------


## Suzanimal

> What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Polaroides


I can't believe you had to explain that one to me the other night in chat. Maybe it was because I was using the handle Willie with tan lines and not Suzanimal. I was too busy testing the theory that tan lines work in all Willie Nelson songs.

----------


## shakey1

What's brown & sounds like a bell?

DUNG!

----------


## Superfluous Man

> What's brown & sounds like a bell?
> 
> DUNG!


What's brown and sticky.




A stick.

----------


## CaptUSA

> What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Polaroides


Do they get those near their ice holes?

----------


## Suzanimal

> What's brown and sticky.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A stick.


This is a keeper. I'm going to tell it at work tomorrow. Where the heck is Damien? These jokes are gold.

----------


## Suzanimal

The stick joke went over well and I got the chance to tell the dead babies in a bathtub joke but no one got it. o_O

My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbor..
All I could yell was "GET THE $#@! OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

----------


## Anti Globalist

How do you stop a baby from crying?

Hit it with a brick.

----------


## Dr.3D

> How do you stop a baby from crying?
> 
> Hit it with a brick.


The way I heard that, it was like this.


How do you stop a baby from crying?


Give it a bust in the mouth.

----------


## Danke

A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. 

The bar tender notices all this and asks, "Hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" 

The guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up $#@!ing!" 

The bartender is like "oh cool! what salon do you work at?" the guy says,

"I work at a funeral home."

----------


## specsaregood

What kind of dinosaur keeps you awake all night?

* *




A Brontosnorus

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why did the skateboarder pick up so much speed going downhill?

He was inclined to go faster.

----------


## Danke

GRAMMAR LESSON

Is it Complete, Finished or Completely Finished ?

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words- "Complete or Finished" ?

In a recent linguistic competition held in London, and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: "How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand"?
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED....

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE". "When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED". "And when the right one catches you with the wrong one....you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world, and a case of 25 year old Scotch.

----------


## Anti Globalist

When is a door not a door?

When it is a-jar.

----------


## Warrior_of_Freedom

Elizabeth Warren

----------


## Suzanimal

Three people are hanging out together. One is Puerto Rican, one is a vegan, and the last one does crossfit. How do you know which is which?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.


TRUTH! I work with three Puerto Ricans and they mention it at least once in every conversation. I get it - you're Puerto Rican and in case I forget, I see the little flag hanging from your rear view mirror when I leave work. o_O

----------


## Anti Globalist

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

----------


## Anti Federalist

I was in my office getting a book the other day.

It fell off and hit me in the head.

I blame my shelf.

----------


## TheTexan

What is a Mexicans favorite sport?

Cross country.

----------


## Anti Globalist

How does a dentist prepare for a roller coaster?

He braces himself.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What does a cowboy with bad gas say?

Darm tootin'!

----------


## Danke

I  was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.






I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

----------


## Dary

Did you hear about the guy who was found dead in his bathtub filled with milk and a banana shoved down his throat?


Police say it was the work of a cereal killer.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Did you ever hear of the nut cracker who had no nuts to crack?

----------


## Suzanimal

> Did you ever hear of the nut cracker who had no nuts to crack?

----------


## Dary

After getting stagger drunk at the bar the guy says to the bartender "Do you know where I can get f*cked?"

The barkeep says "Yeah.  Go across the street to the hotel and knock on the door of room 101."

So the drunk staggers across the street and knocks on the door of room 101.

A voice from inside says "Yeah, what to you want?"

The drunk says "I wanna get f*cked".

The voice from inside says "OK. Slip a 50 under the door".

So the drunk slips a 50 under the door.

After 5 minutes waiting, the drunk knocks on the door again.

The voice from inside says "Yeah, what do you want?"

The drunk says "I wanna get f*cked!"

The voice from inside says "What? Again?"

----------


## Dary

Guy wants to buy a horse so he finds this Mexican who has one for sale.

But when the guy shows up, the Mexican tells him "Senior, the horse, she no look too good".

Guy says "She looks fine to me.  I'll take her."

Two days later he brings the horse back and says "What's the matter with you?  You sold me a blind horse."

"I told you Senior, the horse, she no look too good."

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why did the alien throw beef on the asteroid?

He wanted to make it to be meaty-or.

----------


## Suzanimal

> Why did the alien throw beef on the asteroid?
> 
> He wanted to make it to be meaty-or.


Finish the nutless nutcracker joke, please.

----------


## Anti Globalist

> Finish the nutless nutcracker joke, please.


The joke is already finished.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What do you call a musician with problems?

A very trebled person.

----------


## Suzanimal

> The joke is already finished.


I don't get it. - rep

----------


## Brian4Liberty

Bernie Sanders.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Beto O'Rourke.

----------


## Anti Federalist

> Finish the nutless nutcracker joke, please.

----------


## Anti Federalist

So, I met an actual pirate the other day.

Strange thing about him though, he had a full sized ship's wheel stuffed down the front of his pants.

I asked him, "Jeez, shipmate, isn't that uncomfortable, a ship's wheel in your pants?"

He said:
















"Yarrr, it's driving me nuts".

----------


## Anti Federalist

I went to a very emotional wedding this weekend.

Even the cake was in tiers.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What is the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every day.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why can't Peter Pan stop flying?

He could never land.

----------


## Suzanimal

4 people go on vacation together.
One of them speaks English, another speaks French, the third speaks Spanish , and the last speaks German. They see a crowd gathering in the street and go over to see what’s going on. There is a performer in the middle of the crowd. He notices that the four are struggling to see him so he stands on a box. He asks them “ can you guys see me all right?” And they reply in turn “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What did the cheetah say when she was falsely accused by the lioness?

You've gotta believe me, I'm not lion.

----------


## Suzanimal

> What did the cheetah say when she was falsely accused by the lioness?
> 
> You've gotta believe me, I'm not lion.


But she's a cheetah.

----------


## Slave Mentality

The teacher writes I aint had no fun in months. on the chalk board and asks the class how to fix it. 

Little Johnny hollers out Get a new boyfriend!

----------


## CCTelander

Have you heard they're going to stop selling shredded cheese?







Wait....





Wait for it...





They want to make America grate again.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Julian Castro

----------


## Anti Globalist

Which dance will a chicken never do?

A foxtrot.

----------


## tod evans



----------


## Origanalist

What's black and doesn't work?

















































Decaf coffee you racist jerk.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Lyndon B Johnson

----------


## tfurrh

> What's black and doesn't work?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Adding that to my repertoire.

----------


## Anti Globalist

How did the owl feel when he lost his voice?

He didn't give a hoot.

----------


## 5Points

Why was the grizzly cold?

----------


## 5Points

He had bear feet.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

I heard the reception was amazing.

----------


## Swordsmyth

An old priest lay dying in a Hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. 
He motioned for his nurse to come near. 
“Yes, Father?” said the nurse. 
“I would really like to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest. 
“I’ll  see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the  request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Chuck  and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest 
As they went to  the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old priest  wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t  help but agree. 
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the  priest took Nancy‘s hand in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left.  There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.  Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen,  why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?” 
The  old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after  our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” The old priest continued... “He died  between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same!"

----------


## Mach

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault!

----------


## Anti Globalist

At the career fair, why didn't the wizard go to the booth on predicting the future for a living?

Because there would be no prophet in it.

----------


## mrsat_98

BREAKING NEWS !

MSNBC REPORTS...

TO HELP THEM, DONALD TRUMP WILL TURNOVER A STOOL SAMPLE TO MSNBC, BECAUSE THEY CANNOT FIND CRAP ON TRUMP

----------


## Danke

man sees woman with the most buetifule set of mambahangers and he is struck.
So he goes up and tells her "I'll give you 5 dollar if'n I can bite ur tits."
of course she says no f'n way perv get lost.
So he follows her around and the price keeps going up, finaly he proposed 1thousand dollar.

She looks around and they dive into an alley where the perv liks, smells, kisses, nuggies her ample bosom buddies and she gets irritated and asks:
"Why don't you just bite them and get it over with?" his reply?
"Oh no, that would cost too much."

----------


## RJB

Schumer and Pelosi once asked Trump how he sleeps at night as horrible as he is.

He responded, "naked and next to a super model."

----------


## tod evans

I think this is hilarious! I NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE!!!



1. 
 In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.



2.
   Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts.  And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"  And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."  And they gained 10 pounds.  And Satan smiled.



3.
   And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.   And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.  And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.



4. 
 So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."  And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.  And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.



5.
   God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."  And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.  And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.  God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake" and said, "It is good."  Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."



6.
   God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.  And   Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.  And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.



7.
   Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.  And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them.  And Man gained pounds.



8.
   God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.  And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.   Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!"  And Satan said, "It is good."  And Man went into cardiac arrest.



9.
   God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

10.
   Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System.



Amen

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why does a fighting fish keep its eye open?

So it can sea an-enemy.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why can't Amy Winehouse drive?

Because shes dead.

----------


## CCTelander

What's the first thing a cannibal does after dumping his girlfriend?









































Wipes his ass.

----------


## Anti Federalist

So a pirate walks into a bar.

The first thing the bartender sees is a huge ship's wheel, stuffed down the front of the pirate's trousers.

The bartender asks, "hey, that looks awful uncomfortable".

The pirate replies, "Yarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

----------


## PursuePeace

What's brown and sticky?


* *




a stick

----------


## tfurrh

I found a machine that will do half of my work for me.

I bought two.

----------


## Swordsmyth

> I found a machine that will do half of my work for me.
> 
> I bought two.


Bigamy is illegal.

----------


## Anti Federalist

> Bigamy is illegal.

----------


## Swordsmyth

> 


So the laws against bigamy are there to protect us from bee-stings?
I never knew that.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Joe Biden

----------


## sam1952

> Why can't Amy Winehouse drive?
> 
> Because shes dead.



Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
















Because she’s a woman.

----------


## CCTelander

I really should go on a diet but I've got way too much on my plate right now...

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

----------


## Danke

*Sex Education*

This 16 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!" says the mother.

A few hours later the father comes home and the mother says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why Mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"All right! That's my boy!" says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about sixteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting."

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad.

His son replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

----------


## Anti Globalist

What happened to the rancher who lost his cattle?

Nobody's herd.

----------


## r3volution 3.0

Our 3rd grade teacher got us all together one day, and she said: "You show me a tropical fruit, and I'll show you a $#@! from Guatemala."

...o wait

..that wasn't her

...that was a guy I met in the Army

...I always confuse those two people

----------


## Anti Globalist

What was the dentist doing in Panama?

Looking for a root canal.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why did the teacher write on the window?  

Because the lesson needed to be clear.

----------


## shakey1

Two dogs & a cat were waiting outside the pearly gates waiting to get into heaven. St Peter had the day off, so God was minding the store on this day.
God looks to the first dog & says "Why do you deserve to get into my kingdom?".
The dog replies "Well, I've always been a good boy, & I saved two kids from drowning.".
God tells him "Of course, come in & sit beside me."
God looks to the second dog & says "Why do you deserve to get into my kingdom?".
The dog replies "Well, I've always been a good boy... & I didn't save any lives, but I never bit anybody.".
God said "Well... ok, you can come in as well.".
God, then turns his gaze to the cat saying "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?".
The cat looks at him & says "I think you're in my chair".

----------


## Anti Federalist

I carved 3.1415969 into a pumpkin for Halloween.

It's now Pumpkin Pi.

After Halloween I'll toss it out the window.

It will then be Pi in the sky.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Cory Booker

----------


## tod evans

Subject: Beer and the Wheel



The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.  

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. 

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. 

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 

1. Liberals. 
2. Conservatives. 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. 

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. 

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. 

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons. 

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. 

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. 

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, dentists, physicians, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. 

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. 

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers.  

And there you have it. Just saying!

----------


## Danke

The Hitchhiker 

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

----------


## Origanalist

> [FONT="]The Hitchhiker [/FONT]
> 
> A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"


Damn, I thought I was having a bad day.....

----------


## Origanalist

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Judy............Judy"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again..

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a Rabbit in Kansas."

----------


## Anti Globalist

Bernie Sanders

----------


## Danke

> Damn, I thought I was having a bad day.....

----------


## Anti Globalist

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to smoke.

----------


## Danke

> Damn, I thought I was having a bad day.....

----------


## Origanalist

> 


Oh damn, I am now forever grateful.

----------


## Schifference

> 


That guy is on top of the world. She is gone away from home often. When she is home she is drunk. She is mostly incoherent and she has lots of money. Mr. Polosi loves Nancy very much.

----------


## Danke

I was having sex with my gf the other night.  I decided to pull out and put it in her vagina, wow, it fits like a glove.

----------


## Anti Globalist

> I was having sex with my gf the other night.  I decided to pull out and put it in her vagina, wow, it fits like a glove.


Where were you putting it before?

----------


## Danke

Curly was pretty worried. His girl friend was pregnant and he was going to have to take a blood test to see if he was the father. He was scared $#@!less when he went in to take the test but when he came out he was all smiles.
"Can they prove you're the father?" asked his buddy Larry.
"Ain't no way," replied Curly, "the dumb-ass nurse took the blood sample from my finger!"

----------


## tod evans

HERE IS WHY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA APPEAR CONFUSED

Chief Heather Fong is the first SFPD female, lesbian chief of police.
Theresa Sparks, a former male, is president of the San Francisco Police Commission, 
and CEO of a multi-million dollar sex toy retailer, and a transgender woman.
Sgt. Stephan Thorne, a former female, is the first transgender male SFPD police officer.

Where else are you going to find an Asian lesbian police chief, one deputy chief who is a woman who was a man, another deputy chief who is a man who was a woman, and a police commissioner who was a man is now a woman and whose full-time job is running a dildo store.
勞
Their Representative in Congress is Nancy Pelosi.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What is Moby Dick's dad's name?

Papa Boner.

----------


## tod evans

LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA - CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS MAY APPLY

"Lemon Pickers Needed" read the ad in the newspaper


Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master's degree in Agriculture from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.

The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.

"However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"



  "Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."



She started work yesterday.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breath out of that thing?

----------


## tod evans

CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind schedule, public authorities announced. “As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,” Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy blizzard, which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning at peak murder times. “Unfortunately, we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings today and assure concerned murderers that they will be able to resume slayings by the early afternoon.” At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago’s South Side.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why don't witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip on their broom.

----------


## Anti Globalist

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

----------


## Valli6

https://cdn.quotesgram.com/small/48/...59ed26624b.jpg

----------


## Anti Globalist

What does a perverted frog say?

Rub-it.

----------


## PursuePeace

What did one elevator say to the other elevator?

I think I'm coming down with something.

----------


## NorthCarolinaLiberty

Q: Why is so much toilet paper being sold?

A: Because when someone sneezes, a hundred progs $#@! themselves.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Why do women have boobs?

So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.

----------


## Suzanimal

What does a farmer say when he can't find his tractor?


* *




"Where's my tractor?"

----------


## Anti Globalist

Joe Biden.

----------


## Danke

> What does a farmer say when he can't find his tractor?
> 
> 
> * *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Where's my tractor?"

----------


## Suzanimal

What is blue and smells like red paint?


* *




Blue paint

----------


## Suzanimal



----------


## DiverseSegregation

For a politician what is the difference between today and tomorrow?

----------


## tod evans

Likely a true story..................

Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

Brad is a registered California Democrat.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Kamala Harris is a great and admirable woman.

----------


## Danke

Two cannibals caught a missionary and cooked him. One started eating at the head, the other at the feet.

After a while, one looked up and asked, "How ya doin'?"

"I'm having a ball!"

"You are eating too fast."

----------


## Anti Globalist

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

----------


## tod evans

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.

----------


## Occam's Banana

An interviewer asked an Amish man why it was that the Amish community did not experience the epidemic of Covid-19.

The Amish man answered, "Well, we don't have TVs."

----------


## Danke

>

----------


## Anti Globalist

Joe Biden will be a great president that will not sell us out to foreign interests.

----------


## Occam's Banana

https://twitter.com/MarkBFadel/statu...35393632882690

----------


## Anti Globalist

Kamala Harris is a good candidate to become the first woman president.

----------


## Anti Globalist

Joe Biden is the greatest president this country has ever had.

I would say belated April Fools, but with this current administration it's April Fools day everyday.

----------


## tod evans

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
 His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
 Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

----------


## Occam's Banana

The "f" in "communism" stands for "food".

----------


## Occam's Banana

https://twitter.com/TechAmazing/stat...38641504419840

----------

